Tuesday, January 1, 2019

2019 - The year of TRUST

Last year I decided to choose a "word of the year" to set the tone for my goals for 2018. That word was INTENTION. And overall, I do feel like I was very intentional about pretty much everything in 2018. On purpose. And I am very happy with the year that I had. I did some very amazing things in 2018.

  • I started 2018 with a road trip from Florida to Missouri, through Tennessee, to see my family. (I love road trips)
  • I completed two 5k races and earned medals for each.
  • I consistently did bootcamp for seven whole months and in the process learned to love fitness, and proved that my body is stronger than I ever imagined.
  • I took a vacation with all four of my kids to Universal Orlando this summer.
  • I took another road trip to Nashville in July where I spent time with my bestie (swing dancing in the park) and attended an amazing retreat the following day.
  • I went to a Beyonce/Jay-Z concert with a good friend. I NEVER go to concerts, so this was totally out of my comfort zone. I had a blast.
  • I got a promotion at work. I am now in charge of our ESE (Special Education) department at our school.
  • I cleaned up my credit enough to buy a new car with no co-signer, and it's also a payment that I can afford and a car I really like. (I commute two hours a day so this is big for me)
  • I got my passport!
  • I used it to go to Mexico (alone) for weight loss surgery.
  • I jumped on a trampoline for the first time in 25 years.
This is just a rough list of my 2018 highlights. But yeah... I had a great year. And for that I am super thankful. Because 2016 and 2017 were rough.

So, going into 2019 I am also going to be very intentional, but am going to focus on some new goals. I now have the tools to dig deep into the core of who I am and what I want and how my life unfolds. To do this, I want to focus on TRUST.

I want to TRUST GOD. Yes, God. Over the last 5+ years I have strayed very far from religion. I no longer consider myself a Christian, and do not subscribe to one particular faith. But over the last few months, I have felt a pull. An unexplainable tug back to God and back to the relationship I used to have with the Source. I have been going to church again... That sort of started by accident. But I have been enjoying that space that is non-denominational and very liberal and open-minded. The pastor delivers a relevant message, and I have even dusted off my Bible to dig a little deeper. I don't know where the church journey will lead, but I feel like so far it is taking me in the right direction. I am able to take my current beliefs, and apply the teachings, and it seems very meaningful for the first time in many years. 

Last Sunday the message was about trusting God, and allowing the creator/source/divine to lead you in the direction your life needs to go in. And that really resonated with me. Because I have a few areas of my life that I have been trying to control and manipulate and it's not working for me. At all. So I am ready to put my trust in something bigger. Something beyond the physical realm. And I feel at peace with that. 

In 2019 I also want to TRUST MYSELF and my own divine nature. It is my belief that God is within all of us, and we are given tools such as our intuition to lead us. But if I don't trust myself and my own inner self, I miss those opportunities and make choices based on fear and what I think others want from me. I have spent a lot of time just numbing out (with food, social media) and going through the motions of life without really tapping into my own infinite potential. This year, I want to extinguish all habits that cause me to miss on my own internal signals and learn to trust myself fully. 

Last but not least I want to TRUST THE PROCESS when it comes to my weight loss journey. Since weight loss surgery, I have been super stressed about whether or not this tool will actually work for me. Am I losing enough weight? Am I eating too much? Why am I not losing weight as fast as others who had surgery the same day? I literally weigh myself daily and obsess over those numbers. I am not trusting the process. Deep down, I feel like I will be the one person out of thousands that this surgery won't work for. I feel like when it comes to weight loss, I will never reach my goals. 

And that negative thinking has to stop. This WILL work for me. I WILL reach my goal weight. And I will do it in 2019.

On November 1 (the first day of my pre-op diet) I weighed in at 308.8 lbs. On November 15 (the day of surgery) I weighed 299.8. And today, January 1, I weighed 276.4. I have lost 32.2 lbs in two months, 23.4 since surgery. Those are NOT bad numbers. The weight loss isn't SUPER dramatic like in some, but slow and steady still wins the race. 

I have been back in the gym doing 30 minutes of cardio for a couple of weeks. I know I am losing inches based on the fact I can wear smaller clothes, but I don't really see or feel any dramatic weight loss yet. But I do feel good. My energy is definitely back now that I am pretty much unrestricted in the types of foods I can eat. But I am definitely restricted in HOW MUCH food I can eat. And most meat is still very hard to digest. But guess what is so easy for me to eat? Sweets and junk food. I learned over Christmas just how easy it is for a WLS patient to slide back into bad food choices. After a few days of that I had to slap myself back onto the right path and get focused.

I have to be very intentional about my protein and water goals. And I do see more progress since I've added exercise. Oh, yeah... tracking calories is also a must-do habit. Because during the weeks I had stopped tracking, I stalled AND when I started back tracking I realized I had went from around 500 calories today to over 1000. That's a big jump for only a few weeks. AND I wasn't getting nearly enough protein. So yeah... this is definitely a learning curve. But I am giving myself grace because I am still learning and it's unrealistic to think I will do everything perfectly. 

In 2019, I have every intention of reaching 175 lbs. Yes, that's a little over 100 lbs for me to lose this year. But if I reach my 10 lb/month goal, I will get there. Now, who knows if I will want to STAY there (I don't want to look/feel TOO skinny) but I at least want to SEE and EXPERIENCE that feeling of reaching my goal weight. Then I can evaluate where I want to go from there. 

Happy new year to anyone who reads this! We all have the power RIGHT NOW to set the trajectory of how this year will go for us. It's never too late to have the life you dream of.