Monday, December 28, 2015

Day 1: food addiction

Today I am heading into this weight loss journey yet again. But this time, I am coming at the angle of recovery.

My food addiction has spiraled out of control in 2015. I've been officially 'off the wagon' since the holiday season last year. I did so well getting on track last fall.  I was back in a size 16 jeans for God's sake!

But somewhere along the way I forgot (or ignored) a very important fact.

I'm a food addict. And the longer I relapse, the worse it gets.

I've been in denial. I've had every excuse in the book (injuries, surgery, relocation). I even reasoned that I could handle moderation because EVERYONE deserves treats every once in a while!

I even went 90 whole days with no sweets. And all that proved is that I'm not just addicted to sugary sweets like I thought.

I abuse food. Point blank. Period. If my drug of choice is removed, I will find another. In this case, it was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on my favorite white bread.

All food addicts acknowledge that white bread and refined flour is PRETTY MUCH the same as white sugar. Your body treats it the same. 

So, during the past week or so I have felt myself spiraling out of control. The food and sweets weren't even enjoyable any more. But I kept shoving it all down. And I felt like shit the whole time. Mentally and physically.

But I made a commitment with a fellow food addict that was also in a relapse. 

We committed to recovery. Starting today.

We both know the program (OA). We both have the books and literature. We just needed an accountability partner. And we promised to be just that.

I started coming up with my own personal plan of getting clean. I studied the facts (even though I already know them), but just as a reminder...

It hasn't been too bad, except I really don't know how to eat anymore. The things I used to eat (when sugar-free) I don't want anymore (chicken, meat). All I really want are green smoothies but I know that will get old. Even after all these years of dealing with this disease, I still struggle with what to eat. But I know what NOT to eat, so I must start with that. 

I'm disappointed in myself for letting it go this long. But I won't live there. I can only move forward and look forward to what I know recovery feels like. The land of no heartburn, less body pain, and clarity.

I can do this.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Merry (day after) Christmas!

Wow, it's been a long time. I love blogging but it seems like lately (the last few years) life has got in the way of me doing it consistently. I guess with social media like Instagram and Facebook I feel like I am making a connection. But sometimes I feel like I really need to blog to get all of my feelings out. I don't blog or journal nearly enough.

Yesterday was Christmas, and this has been a hard holiday to get through. This was my first Christmas without my mother living. Even though I have not been around her for the last five Christmases, I was able to talk to her on the phone. Hearing her voice was very important. Christmas was always a big deal for us as a small family. My mom always struggled financially being a single parent but Christmas was always a big event for her. 

This was our first Christmas as a family in Florida. I may seem very strange to have such warm weather and sunshine for this holiday but I'll take it. We spent the afternoon at the beach and it truly helped my spirit. 

Besides not having my mother or father for Christmas, another thing that is making me very UNhappy is my weight and body image. Although I have tried and been on track several times this year I am not where I want to be. I am actually heavier than I have been in a long time. My feet hurt, my sciatica is acting up, my knee hurts, the list goes on. I am having to take ibuprofen all day just to manage.

When will I stop doing this to myself?

I have so many goals. So many dreams. But it all goes back to weight loss. How will I ever fulfill all of my hopes and dreams if I can't get this one thing right?

I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday and we were talking about recovery. I know that some people disagree but food addiction is a real thing. Just like drugs and alcohol, food addiction will rob you of your hopes and dreams. It will make you sick. It will make you broke. It will isolate you from friends and family. It will keep you from living the life you deserve.

I have basically been in relapse for an entire year. There are certain foods that I just can't have. I used to think it was just sugar that I was addicted to, but after being abstinent from sugar and sweets for 90 days I realized that it went farther than that. I am addicted to food, and until I get a handle on that again I will not be successful with weight loss.

2015 brought me to my happy place. Besides my weight and career, I am actually happy with just about everything in my life. I love living in Florida. I am in a happy relationship. The future seems so bright.

It's time for me to get back to the basics. I know what to do, I just have to do it.