Day 1: food addiction

Today I am heading into this weight loss journey yet again. But this time, I am coming at the angle of recovery.

My food addiction has spiraled out of control in 2015. I've been officially 'off the wagon' since the holiday season last year. I did so well getting on track last fall.  I was back in a size 16 jeans for God's sake!

But somewhere along the way I forgot (or ignored) a very important fact.

I'm a food addict. And the longer I relapse, the worse it gets.

I've been in denial. I've had every excuse in the book (injuries, surgery, relocation). I even reasoned that I could handle moderation because EVERYONE deserves treats every once in a while!

I even went 90 whole days with no sweets. And all that proved is that I'm not just addicted to sugary sweets like I thought.

I abuse food. Point blank. Period. If my drug of choice is removed, I will find another. In this case, it was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on my favorite white bread.

All food addicts acknowledge that white bread and refined flour is PRETTY MUCH the same as white sugar. Your body treats it the same. 

So, during the past week or so I have felt myself spiraling out of control. The food and sweets weren't even enjoyable any more. But I kept shoving it all down. And I felt like shit the whole time. Mentally and physically.

But I made a commitment with a fellow food addict that was also in a relapse. 

We committed to recovery. Starting today.

We both know the program (OA). We both have the books and literature. We just needed an accountability partner. And we promised to be just that.

I started coming up with my own personal plan of getting clean. I studied the facts (even though I already know them), but just as a reminder...

It hasn't been too bad, except I really don't know how to eat anymore. The things I used to eat (when sugar-free) I don't want anymore (chicken, meat). All I really want are green smoothies but I know that will get old. Even after all these years of dealing with this disease, I still struggle with what to eat. But I know what NOT to eat, so I must start with that. 

I'm disappointed in myself for letting it go this long. But I won't live there. I can only move forward and look forward to what I know recovery feels like. The land of no heartburn, less body pain, and clarity.

I can do this.

Merry (day after) Christmas!

Wow, it's been a long time. I love blogging but it seems like lately (the last few years) life has got in the way of me doing it consistently. I guess with social media like Instagram and Facebook I feel like I am making a connection. But sometimes I feel like I really need to blog to get all of my feelings out. I don't blog or journal nearly enough.

Yesterday was Christmas, and this has been a hard holiday to get through. This was my first Christmas without my mother living. Even though I have not been around her for the last five Christmases, I was able to talk to her on the phone. Hearing her voice was very important. Christmas was always a big deal for us as a small family. My mom always struggled financially being a single parent but Christmas was always a big event for her. 

This was our first Christmas as a family in Florida. I may seem very strange to have such warm weather and sunshine for this holiday but I'll take it. We spent the afternoon at the beach and it truly helped my spirit. 

Besides not having my mother or father for Christmas, another thing that is making me very UNhappy is my weight and body image. Although I have tried and been on track several times this year I am not where I want to be. I am actually heavier than I have been in a long time. My feet hurt, my sciatica is acting up, my knee hurts, the list goes on. I am having to take ibuprofen all day just to manage.

When will I stop doing this to myself?

I have so many goals. So many dreams. But it all goes back to weight loss. How will I ever fulfill all of my hopes and dreams if I can't get this one thing right?

I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday and we were talking about recovery. I know that some people disagree but food addiction is a real thing. Just like drugs and alcohol, food addiction will rob you of your hopes and dreams. It will make you sick. It will make you broke. It will isolate you from friends and family. It will keep you from living the life you deserve.

I have basically been in relapse for an entire year. There are certain foods that I just can't have. I used to think it was just sugar that I was addicted to, but after being abstinent from sugar and sweets for 90 days I realized that it went farther than that. I am addicted to food, and until I get a handle on that again I will not be successful with weight loss.

2015 brought me to my happy place. Besides my weight and career, I am actually happy with just about everything in my life. I love living in Florida. I am in a happy relationship. The future seems so bright.

It's time for me to get back to the basics. I know what to do, I just have to do it.

What a week...

This week has been hard, but also very eye opening as well.

Work-wise... It was one of the most difficult weeks of my career. My class changed from a 2/3 grade blend to a 1/2 grade blend. I lost 3 students and GAINED 6 students with no transition time, no collaboration with new or old teachers, no planning. It was hell. For me, and for my students.

But it is what it is. I've learned and keep learning that no one on my job level gives a FUCK. It's the most negative environment I've ever worked in. 

I've cried a lot. I'm so overwhelmed and frustrated. 

But I know why I am having this experience. It's to help me mentally get to the next level. 

I am destined for so much more. 

So, my coping strategy is to hang on to EVERYTHING positive. Which is a lot! My life is pretty great right now despite my job. 

And through reading/listening to A New Earth this week, I've (re)discovered that my reaction to the 'wrongs' at work have a lot to do with my ego anyway. 

Working from home and being my own boss is what I am working for.

I got my Mary Kay box this week!

I planned to dig into it yesterday but I didn't have time. I started my morning with Clyde at a breast cancer awareness event that his company sponsored.

We were looking pretty good in our pink! 

After that I went to the library with the kids, grocery shopped, and cleaned this apartment because it was super triflin'.

But now that it's clean I plan on making a special place in my room to set up by business. And I need to place my first order to get started. A few people have tried to be negative about Mary Kay this week because they say I'm not 'aggressive' enough to do it. Whatever. 

I'm also going to think more about doing the business end of Advocare, too. I started using my supplements again this week and could tell a HUGE difference. I really do love the products, and the company is solid. One more source of income couldn't hurt. 

I got this book from the library yesterday...

I don't know why real estate keeps calling my name since I've moved to Florida. But I'm hoping to learn more. Who knows!

I'll check in later with a recap of last weeks goals and some for next week!

Goals for next week...

Next week is go time! Now that I've got big goals it's time to align my weekly goals to help me accomplish them. I'm expecting something big next week and I'm so excited. 

I'm super sore after yesterday's workout. So strangely it has me looking forward to doing it again in the morning!

I am going to start taking my supplements again. Strangely, I found an Advocare shirt last night and tried it on this morning.

I actually thought it wouldn't fit at all even though it's a 2xl. I can't wait to post a pic where it is loose!

Transforming...

Today while at the gym, I had about a million things going on in my head. For the past week or more, changes have been brewing. Well, actually, changes have been HAPPENING for a while, but even MORE things lately.

For anyone who reads this that follows my other blog (SkinnyHollie), you already know that I recently relocated to Jacksonville, FL. Just because I always wanted to live in Florida and decided to just do it. Well, that one big step has completely been pivotal to a new way of living for me.

See... I was born and raised in TN. Never lived anywhere else. So moving to Florida was HUGE. Many close to me didn't really even think I would do it. But I did. And it was hard. It was expensive. And it completely removed me from my comfort zone.

And I love it.

I love the sun and the heat and the beach and the diversity. It's what I wanted, and I have such new, amazing experiences all the time. I love it here. I'm so glad I moved.

But there are a few things I don't like... I don't like living in an apartment. Which I already knew. But since we were moving here without no prior knowledge of the city, and also without knowing a soul, I didn't want to buy a house just yet. I wanted a chance to learn the city a bit before I sign up for something as big as buying a house. But I am already over apartment living. I'm ready to buy a house.

I also do not like my job. (Gasp). Don't get me wrong... I LOVE being a special educator. All I've ever wanted to be in my life is a teacher. But I feel like it's time to step away. Maybe for a time. Or maybe forever. I honestly can't say. Burnout was already happening in TN, and I was really looking forward to a change in educational systems and schools to renew my love for my career. But it hasn't. It's worse. I don't feel like I'm serving children anymore. I feel like I'm following rules that were made for general education students... rules that are more about increasing test scores and funding and not what is really best for kids. It's just different. And different in a bad way. Did I mention I took a pretty big pay cut?

Which has led me to think about changes. Changes that will take me WAY out of my comfort zone. Changes that will overcome my fears about being inadequate or not quite good enough.

I can't wait to ramble and share my new journey.

Please know... I have NOT given up on weight loss. I am still considerably overweight and have gained a LOT since moving to Florida. (I like to call it happy weight, lol). I am uncomfortable and I am already on my way to getting back on track. But at some point, it has become more than apparent to me that my transformation has to be both inside and out. And maybe this is why I can only get so far in my weight loss before I regress and regain.

I have been taking two steps forward and three steps back for a long time.

But I have learned so much along the way.

My transformation will include weight loss because I am truly trying to reach overall HEALTH. It's a promise I made myself when my mom passed away (she died on August 31). But it will also include overall self-improvement and stepping out of my comfort zone.

I'm so excited. The future is so bright.

Catching up...

Greetings from Florida y'all! So much has happened in the past month that it would take a whole novel to catch everyone up but I'll try.

I finished my 24 day challenge with a loss of about 20 pounds. I felt great and was really psyched. Not too long after that I found out that I needed to have a hysterectomy ASAP. Rather than be discouraged or set myself up for a setback I continued with good eating and had my surgery on June 10.

I am really convinced that doing the challenge before my surgery helped me with my recovery. Going in with a healthy body (or healthier) felt good.

When I got out of the hospital my recovery went better than normal. I was up and walking around within a day and experience little to no pain. I continued to eat as well as I could but it was hard because you must remember I was packing up my house to move to Florida at the same time all of this was happening.

I admit, a lot of pizza was eaten. You can't beat $5 pizza from Little Caesars when you're feeding 6 people on a budget. But I did cook as healthy as I could until about two days before the actual move. I was proud of myself for that.

My family and I have been in Florida since Saturday. So far unpacking and getting settled has been nice. I was without a stove for a few days because I forgot to get the gas service turned on, and my stove in my apartment runs on gas. But now I'm cooking and made sure to go ahead and stock my cabinets with healthy food.

I really feel like my lifestyle as far as eating and exercise will change dramatically down here in Florida. I feel a shift happening and maybe I have craved it for a long time. Maybe that is why the transition and the relocation went so smoothly. Maybe this is just my destiny.

Yesterday I wore a 2-pc swimsuit on the beach. First time EVER wearing one in public. But I was confident and felt great in my skin. Maybe it's the knowledge that I am on track and eating well at least 80% of the time. Maybe because in my own mind I know that I have had 1 million excuses as to why I could've fallen off track but I have not.

I feel great. And I'm looking forward to an awesome new life!

Day 14 - I'm 39 :)

Well, God has blessed me with another year! I'm super thankful to celebrate a birthday at such an exciting time in my life. Yesterday I was pretty much kicked out of my house all day so my landlords could show my house for rent. I'm technically leaving a month before my lease is up, so if they rent it before July 1 I save that rent. And they did... So it was worth it!

I made good food choices all day. And I skipped cake altogether which was HUGE for me. I've NEVER EVER had a birthday with no cake or sweets. I had this instead...

Major victory. 

I also made it to the gym today for the first time since starting the challenge. Better late than never, right?

I did a little meal prep today... Some siracha bbq chicken breasts, protein balls, and cut up a watermelon. Eating clean and making good choices is getting easier by the day. I feel my habits changing for the better.

I passed on cake for my birthday for God's sake!

My goal is to stay focused so I CAN enjoy delicious cake for graduation this Saturday. My friend, Allison, makes cakes that are truly worth it? So I will indulge then. But I'm ok with it because I've planned for a month. It's not done on an impulse. 

Lifestyle change, right?

Day 11 - Weigh in results

Not too shabby! Especially considering that I haven't exercised a single day (not counting just being active) and I'm bloated from my period. And yesterday I had a surprise dinner date for my birthday and didn't get in all my water! This challenge is working... And I'm pumped to see what the next 14 days has in store.

I stopped posting my food daily since the food police came out and started criticizing my choices. And I've been super busy ending the school year (I am done!).

Onward!

Day 4... Almost forgot!

Pre-breakfast: Fiber and spark 

Breakfast: 6 mini egg muffins, low-sugar oatmeal

Morning snack: banana, 2 protein bites

Lunch: Leigh's baked pasta, watermelon 

Dinner: turkey meatloaf, sweet potatoes and green beans.

Late snack: one protein ball

I'm doing this daily for accountability. It's 1 am and I'm laying here awake from ruthless cramping. And of course I'm hungry. Dinner was later than usual because I was meal prepping, so I didn't have a good snack like I usually do.

I made protein balls for the first time and ate one of them just to try them. Pretty good, but not as good as my neighbor made them. Mine are dryer, so I'll adjust the recipe next time.

Basically they are almond butter, honey, flaxseeds and oats. 

Next week is my last week of school and my last week of teaching at my current job. Lots of emotions, but I am still excited that the move is so close! We booked a moving truck on Friday, so it's getting real! 

But with end of the school year comes a lot of eating opportunity. Even if I dodge that bullet, I still have to wrestle with my birthday and graduation the following week. 

No matter what I'm still glad I did this challenge now instead of waiting. I desperately need to do something NOW. I need the accountability and routine. Even if I can't be 100% perfect.

Day 3 - On the go

Today's grub:

Pre-breakfast: Fiber and spark

Breakfast: 2 eggs, 3 slices center cut bacon, red potatoes. 

Morning snack: watermelon, 2 protein bites

Lunch: Leigh's baked pasta

Dinner: Mexican shredded chicken breast on 2 high-fiber wraps, watermelon.

Late snack: two rice cakes with peanut butter

Later snack: banana (worked late)

Today was SUPER busy from start to finish, but I made it with no cheats! This morning my baby did another fun run (in the rain). As you can see, it was a color run and she had a blast.

I came home and greedily ate what has become my favorite snack... I don't have the recipe yet for these protein balls, but I know they have oats and almond butter. I also know they are delicious and I think about them all day. 

I had time to come home for just a bit before we were off to TWO softball games. I am happy I thought to pack my "dinner" meal because look what HE went and got from concessions! That burger looked really good, but I was ok with skipping it. 

Overall I'm still feeling focused. No real cravings just yet. 

Good news.. I have TWO job interviews lined up for Tuesday. Prayers and well wishes are appreciated. I'd LOVE to have a job lined up before the move.

I also got news yesterday that I will be having a hysterectomy 10 days before I move. Timing SUCKS but it is what it is. I'll write more on it later... I'm still not 100% sure if my insurance will cover what I need for it to.

I think I just realized that food is about the only thing I can 100% control right now in my life. Too many variables, it seems. With work, with the move... even with my kids. I'm just happy that stress and emotional eating is not taking over.

Day 2 - eating clean

Today's food...

Pre-breakfast: Fiber and spark 

Breakfast: 6 mini egg muffins, pkg low sugar oatmeal. 

Morning snack: watermelon, 2 protein bites

Lunch: Leigh's baked pasta, strawberries

Dinner: Mexican shredded chicken breast on high-fiber wrap, slice of cheese, sweet potato and watermelon.

Late snack: two rice cakes with peanut butter

Felt like a lot of food, but I guess I'm conditioned for restrictions. I'm learning to eat every three hours... I have alarms set on my IPhone. One meal was eaten in the car, and I had to pack one to go. I'm dealing with a medical issue that has had me off work for two days. 

Stressed. Emotional. But not turning to food. 

Oh, and I was offered cake today. And turned it down.

I also made a new Facebook page... Not a 'Page' but an add-me profile. I feel like I'm starting over so it seems appropriate.

Advocare 24-day Challenge - Day 1

First things first... The scale.

Damn. Here I was fooling myself into thinking I was doing better, or maintaining. 

Yeah, right.

Next, measurements.

Equally depressing.

But it was all fuel for the fire. 

I skipped my morning coffee for a Spark. Which was fine except for the caffeine withdrawal headache all day. 

I have read that the fiber drink is nasty, but I was fortunate to get the new flavorless kind. Mixed it with Spark and couldn't tell it was even in there. 

Eating every three hours was a challenge... Because I'm in the habit of eating constantly? I don't know but I definitely wasn't hungry. 

Pre-breakfast: Fiber and spark 

Breakfast: 2 eggs, 3 slices center cut bacon, one bite each of banana and watermelon (banana was too soft, taste tested watermelon). 

Morning snack: watermelon, 2 protein bites

Lunch: Leigh's baked pasta

Dinner: Mexican shredded chicken breast on two high-fiber wraps, small amount of shredded cheese. Watermelon.

Late snack: two rice cakes with peanut butter

My Advocare coach, who is a good friend and neighbor, MEAL PREPPED for me yesterday! Talk about setting me up for success! She made some protein balls that are so good! She also made a whole-wheat pasta dish, egg muffins, and a bag of Mexican marinated chicken that you throw in the crockpot and shred.

It was all great and filling. I plan on making some turkey meatloaf muffins, but I should have enough meals to get me to Sunday. Then I will meal prep myself.

I'm giving this 120%!

Finding motivation... And a little Spark!

On some days - hell, weeks - I find bits and pieces of motivation wherever I can. As all of you know, I've been struggling BIG TIME for the past 6 months. I've regained a lot... Close to 30 lbs. but at least for the past few weeks I've stopped gaining and pretty much been holding around 290. Getting so dangerously close to 300 lbs again is so scary.

But my will to eat crap has been stronger than my will to give it all up. I just can't seem to get motivated.

Well, about a week or so ago I saw a post from my neighbor that she has been doing a challenge and drinking an energy drink called Spark. I've heard of Spark from another friend who was selling Advocare at the time. 

I contacted her about buying some because I felt like it might help pick me up in the afternoons when my energy levels go to ZERO around 2 pm. She directed me to another close neighbor who hooked me up with a variety box.

Let's just say that after a few days, I was hooked on Spark. Good energy without jitters, and I had no problem going to sleep at night. 

Fast forward to yesterday. My neighbor next door has signed up with Advocare to be a distributor, and my neighbor across the street had a get-together yesterday morning about the business and the products. She invited everyone to join her on what they call a 24-day Challenge and I signed up!

Now, let me be honest. I've tried several direct sales weight loss plans... Isagenix and Body by Vi to name two. Neither of them worked out well for me, and it made me very skeptical. But I also didn't invest any money with either of those plans (I was offered them for free) so I didn't have anything to lose, really.

But for this Advocare challenge, I'm financially invested. And I'm very excited to try it. I am praying that this is the boost that I need. A jumpstart to get back on track for good. Summer is so close and also the move to Jacksonville. I figure that 24 days will be well spent if I am doing something to get me back to where I need to be.

Hopefully my challenge kit will be here by Wednesday of this week. I will start it the day after I get it. My neighbor introduced me to a lot of good recipes yesterday at her get together and I am also going to start looking for ones of my own. I am going to give up coffee for 24 days and only drink a spark in the mornings. 

I am going to give it 100%. I'm going to do everything I can to make this work. This is totally different from anything that I've done in a long time.

Motivated

I have very exciting news that I finally feel comfortable enough to share...

I AM MOVING TO FLORIDA!

Crazy, huh? But yes, I have prayed and contemplated on this for years. In the last six months or so, I decided to start seriously considering this move. My oldest daughter and nephew both graduate from high school this year, and it's time to make a change. As a family, we are all excited. My college bound kids both decided to stay in Tennessee for college, but are excited to be able to visit a new home in Florida on school breaks and holidays.

Things have really been falling into place. This past weekend, I was able to find an apartment that is 37 MINUTES FROM THE BEACH! I'm so excited. Now, I just need to find a job, but I am in the application process for two school districts and I am not worried about finding something that is perfect.

My life is about to change in big ways! I have taken a huge leap of faith, but I am so excited for a fresh start.

After spending both Saturday and Sunday morning on the beach, I realized how easy it can be to lead an active lifestyle when I get down there. I can totally see myself taking long walks on the beach. There were also lots of bootcamps and group exercises going on. It was exciting.

I also noticed that EVERYONE on the beach is in a bikini or two-piece... no matter what the size. Which I think is pretty awesome. But I know that in my current condition, I'd be way too self conscious.

And the picture we took this weekend... Um, no. As cute as I felt in my maxi skirt and tank, the re-gained pounds really show. And it just made me feel... disgusted?

So when I got back on Monday I was motivated. Very motivated.

I don't have a PLAN per, se. But so far this week I've been counting calories and drinking water like it's my job. Oh, and I actually packed a gym bag and went to workout after school yesterday.

Small changes, but at least I'm doing SOMETHING.

What's next?

I'm still in somewhat of a slump about my weight gain, but for the past few days I've made a choice to stop with all the negativity, and just move forward the best way I know how. I started using MyFitnessPal AGAIN, but this time I went in and let the website recommend my calories and macros (I usually customize this for myself). It has me at 1900 calories. And so far, thats fine with me. I've gone over each day this week thanks to candy calories, but at least I'm tracking and TRYING.

I've got to try. I just can't NOT try. But eating 'normally' is actually ok. And tracking helps control the portions.

I am going out of town tomorrow, but first I have a doctor's appointment with my OB/GYN that also does nutritional counseling. I'm hoping they can give me some advice or direction. After low/no carb not working this time, I just feel so discouraged. I feel like my body hates me and I've really just abused it for so long that I'm a lost cause.

I called my insurance company last week and asked about resources for someone with an eating disorder, or help with nutrition and weight loss. Blue Cross Blue Shield was sorry to inform me that they don't offer help with anything like that, but I would be an excellent candidate for gastric bypass surgery. The rep was happy to refer me to a bariatric surgeon.

Damn. Not that I haven't thought about it lately. But I just don't think surgery will help me until I get the mental and emotional stuff right.

When it comes to food and sugar, I am totally unstable.

What pushes you?

Unfortunately, after three solid weeks of doing very low-carb/Adkins/Keto, I fell off the wagon. Oh, there are plenty of excuses to why, but it all started with a weigh in that made me very disappointed. In three weeks, I 'only' lost about 5 lbs. Nevermind that my clothes fit looser. Nevermind that physically I felt like a million bucks.

That scale pissed me off.

Low-carb always works. But this time, not so much. Not like it has in the past.

So what started as a "one day break", ended up as a week long free-for-all. Because there was no way I could start over with Easter in only a few days, right?

Right.

Just more excuses.

I guess rock bottom was Thursday. I ate a total of SIX Cadbury eggs and was absolutely SICK. But I still kept binging.

Friday-yesterday was better, but not weight-loss worthy.

This mornings weigh in...



Damn. Damn. Damn.

I am almost 300 lbs again.

Hell. NO.

So, low carb it is. Again. Because it works... maybe not so fast on the scale anymore. But it allows me control over this addiction. It allows me to feel full and satisfied and it helps with my cravings.

It was probably a sign that I ordered an Atkins diet book several weeks ago and it just came in the mail yesterday. More on those insights later.

But I just need to get a hold of something... something that will help push me. Maybe it's NOT seeing 300 on the scale again. But so far, nothing has been motivating me enough to get my ass in gear. My clothes are all too small. I have heartburn again. I hate my reflection in the mirror. I feel like shit.

But I still stuff myself full of food and sugar until I vomit.

Madness. Insanity. Stupidity.

All that.

I need to push. Push toward at least getting back into my size 18's. Back into the 260's.

My life literally depends on it.

2 weeks down - This may be getting easier

This is officially my third week of the low-carb lifestyle. Honestly, I have to admit that I already FEEL a lot better. My cravings are manageable or non-existent. I'm able to say "no" now, and it isn't the end of the world. Today I had an unplanned lunch out with colleagues at a Mexican restaurant. I ordered chicken fajitas will bell peppers only, no beans, no rice, no tortillas. Add cheese and guacamole and sour cream. I felt good about that choice and it was easy to skip the tortillas or the chimichanga I usually indulge in. I drank water instead of diet soda. It felt like a win.

Did I mention I FEEL better? Yes.

I  am definitely eating in a more 'keto' fashion than I had planned. But higher fat makes me so much more satisfied. 

I did weigh in after deciding that I hate the scale and I never want to weigh again. From Monday, March 9 to Monday, March 16 I went from 289.2 to 285.3. Not fast weight loss, but at least I'm going in the right direction.

I think my body is just like, "f*ck you" and doesn't want to give up the fat. I will keep going.

I am also running more, but I need to be consistent. Good weather is showing it's pretty face in Tennessee, so outside neighborhood runs will be easy. No excuse that the gym is too far away, and the elliptical is soooooo boring.

Back on track!

Again, lol!

I also did weights on Tuesday, and jogged yesterday and today. I'm feeling much better already, and the cravings are really getting better.

I'm on Spring break next week and I've made a goal to exercise EVERY DAY for at least 30 minutes. I'm also hoping to get my daughter in the gym with me, too. 

Onward!

Catching up...

Hey, ya'll! I'm sad to admit that I've neglected my poor blog again. The past month or so has been full of ups and downs.

With my life, and of course, my weight.

My weight is still up. This morning I weighed in at 289.2. But I am four days off carbs, so hopefully I will keep going down.

I kind of hit a rock bottom (again) and had to make the decision to drastically cut carbs (again).

My food addiction has been spiraling out of control for some time now. And I've had to face the facts (again) that I can't handle moderation. I can't have sugar if I'm going to get well. Again.

But I have learned that I don't need to starve. I'm still at 1800-2000 calories and happy right there. 

I just can't have the sugar.

I have made some really big LIFE decisions and being fat and unhealthy are not options right now. I want to feel good in my skin again. I need to be successful again.

I desperately want to reach my goal weight... whatever that is.

Today is day 5 and all my meals are planned out for the day (follow me on MyFitnessPal if you're not already).

I'm moving forward. One day at a time.

Eat more to weigh less?

I am feeling pretty good today. I'm back in my work slacks! Woo hoo!

I wore these pants a couple of weeks ago and was secretly scared all day that I was going to split my pants. I have three pairs of this same style pants from NY&Co. Although they are stretchy, my ass was just too wide. I could barely get them over my hips. They are still a little snug, but comfortable. Victory.

So, for the past week, I've been trying something I've never tried before to lose weight.

I've been eating more. Like, 2100-2400 calories per day. Crazy, for a habitual dieter like myself. Losing weight is supposed to mean starvation and elimination. But I've been doing neither.

I think I mentioned in my last post that The Gunnar Challenge and my coach (Jen) told me to heat more calories... 2100-2300 daily. But I didn't really think I would do it.

But then, my workouts continued to include weights. And they were intense sessions. And I was HUNGRY. So, I ate. But I tracked EVERYTHING. And I do try to avoid junky food (although my diet has NOT been perfect).

And I feel a difference. I've lost 7 lbs, but I'm not weighing daily. With lifting heavy weights, everyone says daily weighing can be a disaster. So I'm not.

But eating so much still feels... wrong. SO I looked up a few more calculators and got the same thing.

These are from scoobysworkshop.com/calorie-calculator/. I have followed Eat More to Weigh Less for a LONG time because the idea always intrigued me. Hell, I even felt a little envious that women could do such a thing and actually lose weight!

And this is one Jen gave us to use... I forgot the source.

So it does seem like eating more can make you weigh less. I'm going to keep going with it because I feel good. And I've been working out... hard. I'm already seeing progress with the weights. Last night was a huge victory when I was able to lift 60 lbs on the shoulder press machine. 25 lbs used to KILL me. 

I'm lifting HEAVY (for me) and I get such a rush from it. I'm HAPPY to go workout because I don't do the dreaded 45 min to an hour of cardio anymore. Usually about 20 minutes of cardio is all I do, and that is so I can practice running for a mile.

Today is supposed to be a rest day but I may go get a short workout in... I'm not overly sore or anything like that. I just feel good.

And that is awesome... to feel good again.

Mental mud

This Balance bar represents a successful day of eating for me. It's only 4 p.m. But this is a victory.

I have REALLY struggled with food this week.

With both my 60-Day coach and The Gunnar Challenge, my calories limits are high. Way higher than usual. 1800 - 2300 calories. My coach has me at 2100.

SO, like any person with a permanently ingrained diet mentality, I don't feel like I am on a diet. And since I'm not restricting anything, I've had a hard time.

Monday was ok... I was off from work, and my environment was controlled.

But Tuesday... damn. I got to work and realized that my desk was full of candy and junk. I ate candy and was so mad at myself. So I ate some more! I logged it, and went to the gym later than night for a brutal workout with my new "trainer". 

Wednesday (yesterday) wasn't much better. I struggled with salty snacks.

So I threw everything away. And I gave my assistant the "treat" stash of candy.

One good thing is that on both days I honestly logged all my food into MFP. 

This morning I got up feeling defeated, but an email "conversation" with my coach helped me realize WHY I am struggling, and that it's normal. Well, normal for people like us. It felt good to know I'm not alone.

Here is a snippet...

From Jen...

"I think you need to just take a deep breath and focus on what you can control which is your food. I know you're a busy mom and you work a lot.. Exercise may seem hard to fit in right now? Is this an issue? 

Also with your exercise is it something you are enjoying (I mean as much as one can enjoy exercise lol) or are you stressing the gym?

Also I know it can make for a lot of mental mud when you're eating foods that you associate with gaining, or a time you've had no control. So you have to just bite the bullet track them stay in your goal with them.. Or you'll never realize it's not the food it's the quantity and the sedentary lifestyle that's doing this to you. Trusting food is so damn hard but it's a process you're starting right now and you've got to let go and just go with it."

This was my reply...

"I think my struggle is definitely the food. I think I have been off the wagon for so long (eating whatever I want) that it's just really hard for me to reel it in without doing a restrictive diet or detox right off the bat. See, that's usually how I get going again. By being miserable for up to 10 days. It's how my brain is conditioned.

Workouts are actually great right now. I'm looking forward to my gym time... I have a new gym partner (my ex husband... long story) so it's been really fun. 

I can also see what you mean about the mental mud. I LOVE pumpkin oatmeal. But my brain tells me that carbs are off limits and that means I'm eating bad. I DO NOT trust food. Food seduces me and lies to me. It's my secret, married lover and our relationship is always ten kinds of wrong."

Today, I have stayed on track. I have only eaten the food that I packed. 

I told myself that this Balance bar would be my "treat" at the end of the day if I didn't mess up. And I didn't.

So right now, I'm feeling hopeful.

Let's get 2015 started...

This mornings weigh in just made me sick. Devastating. 

I have officially undone two years of hard work. I am back to my January 2013 weight.

Fock.

I also took measurements.

Waist - 46.5 in

Right arm- 18 in

Left thigh - 31.5 in

Hips - 52.5 in

Bottom belly/pouch - 55 in

Chest - 42 in

I'm just... Disgusted. But it's definitely motivation to make the necessary changes.

Today starts the Gunnar Challenge. I'm not THRILLED with it, but it's only day one. The calorie guidelines are all or nothing for my weight. I get the option of rapid weight loss (1200 calories - NO) or moderate -1-2 lbs/week - weight loss (2300 calories - too much). I chose moderate weight loss, but will stick with 1800-2000 calories, which is what MyFitnessPal suggests.

The meal plan is also disappointing. It's just too fancy and complicated for my tastes. I have five people to feed. The meals just aren't practical for me. So I will just try to modify.

I mean, I know how to eat clean. I have just been doing a crappy job of it.

I also start working with a 'coach' today... Someone personal. There is also a support group involved. I'm super excited about this, too, because this woman has successfully lost weight and kept it off. She doesn't offer meal plans she offers daily support. And I need that. 

I'm back in the gym and FINALLY doing weighs thanks to an unlikely gym partner (my ex husband!). Yesterday I had to admit to myself that I've been bs'ing with my workouts, too.

All the tools for success are in my face. It's now up to me to make it happen.

I can't believe I've allowed myself to backslide this far.

The Gunnar Challenge

Have you ever heard of the Gunnar Challenge? It's an 8 week challenge and I will be participating. 

I desperately need some sort of incentive and push right now. I hope this is it.

I was able to look over the site and tools earlier this week and I think I will like it. But I won't know everything until the challenge starts on Monday. But there is a meal plan and exercise plan. And lots of support.

This is a celebrity trainer with some high profile clients (the Kardashians!!!!). I mean, he has to be good, right????

I need a kick start. I need to get back to where I was before the holidays. I'm ready. 

You've got to be kidding...

Yesterday I felt very discouraged.

 I practically wore workout clothes to work because I knew that my daughter had a basketball game and my intention was to go directly to the gym afterward. I avoided sugar yesterday and ate well all day. I was feeling like I was on my way to being on track. 

And within one hour I hurt my knee and found out that my car needed an expensive repair. Two big hits.

I was getting up for my small chair in my classroom and twisted my knee the wrong way. It popped and then it popped again when I stood up so I thought it was going to be okay. And then the pain set in. It HURTS to put any weight on it.

On the way home from work I found out that my almost brand-new car (2012 model that I've had for less than a year) needs a pretty pricey repair on the ENGINE. A repair that would have been covered under the warranty 2000 miles ago.

And I cried again for the second or third day in a row. But I did not cheat. 

I suddenly wanted a bowl of cereal and candy and soda and cake. But I did not give in.

My knee is still hurting this morning when I walk so I will have to go to the doctor, and that really sucks. Do you know how absolutely embarrassing it is for me to go to the doctor about my knee because I am so self-conscious about my fat knees? (Yeah, I cried about that last night, too).  

My goal for the day is to not be discouraged. Yesterday kind of sucked, but there were also some good things that happened. Some definite signs that things are looking up. So I will not quit. Success is mine.

Happy (late) New Year!

I figured that I would let all of the "new year, new me" posts pass before I finally decided to blog something this year.

I'm kidding. I've just been procrastinating.

I haven't exactly been on track yet this year. I've pretty much been off the rails since Halloween, to be honest.

I have every excuse in the book. I've been stressed. I've been sick. I've been unmotivated. I've been happy. I've been sad. I've been depressed.

I woke up this morning and decided that I'm done making excuses. It's time for me to get my shit together.

I've gained so much weight. Like, 20+ lbs since November. I'm uncomfortable. My clothes are so tight. I'm out of breath and my heartburn is back. 

I'm miserable. 

But I am not doing anything about it. 

Because I'm obviously not miserable enough to make the changes I need to.

See, I want to eat. I still want what I want as far as food goes. I want 'moderation' but I can't make it work for me. So it pisses me off. And I just keep eating. 

I don't know the answers. Well, I do, but I don't like the answer.

I don't want to diet, and I don't want to eliminate anything. But all signs point to me doing both.

And it makes me mad.

I don't know why, with all the knowledge I've gained about weight loss and nutrition, that I still can't get this right. Why am I still banging my head against the wall?

I don't know. But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.