Friday, November 7, 2014

Binge - 1, Hollie - 0

It's almost like I knew... It was almost time for me to fall off a cliff.

Work stress is crazy. Single mom stress is crazy. And the holidays are coming, so the emotions are running high. To top it all off, I had to deal with a very hard incident on Monday (sorry, can't talk about it). I was in emotional meltdown mode all week.

I ate my last Personal Trainer meal on Monday, and to be honest, I really didn't have a solid "plan" for the rest of the week. I made some chicken breasts in the crockpot on Tuesday, got plenty of salad fixings. Splurged on almond milk and low-carb Greek yogurt, with the intentions of re-introducing some foods slowly. And it was all working.

Until yesterday.

First mistake... I went all day at work without drinking hardly any water. Not exactly sure why, since I'm usually guzzling all day. My left toe was hurting really bad and I was limping around and very uncomfortable. My daughter innocently surprised me with a small caramel Frappucino from Starbucks, and because my emotions and nerves were all over the place, I gladly sipped it until it was gone.

But I was okay with that small "cheat". And I was fully lying to myself.

I stopped on the way home from my after-school gig and got pizza and soda for my family.

And I ate half of a thin-crust pizza by myself. And washed it down with Coke Zero.

And I was HAPPY. It was like I had reunited with a long-lost friend. PIZZA! After 9 weeks, I missed my friend so bad. I was blissfully full and considered it a well-deserved cheat meal.

But then, it didn't end. I found my baby's stash of Halloween candy and started eating it as fast as I could. That's when I started feeling like crap. Because that wasn't cheating... it was binging.

Then I got emotional. And ate two bowls of Cocoa Krispies before bed.

Then I got sick. Then I panicked.

Then I confessed via Instagram and Facebook. For accountability...

Then I laid in bed for most of the night hating myself. Hating my body. Hating that food had such control over me and feeling so powerless to stop it.

Because I love food. Abstaining from it, or eliminating certain foods doesn't make me want it less. I STILL want that food. I miss it when it's gone and long for the day I'm skinny enough that I can enjoy it more often than I can now.

I feel so crazy and disordered sometimes. Why can't this just be easy? Why can't I be "normal" like everyone else?

But I woke up this morning determined to not look back. Yes, I slipped. And fell on my face. But I know that I can keep moving forward and get back on track. I know I can.

And I will keep trying every day until my body detoxes from this sugar and salt. Today hasn't been easy, but I've almost made it to the end. I WILL make it to the end.

I started tracking my food with My Fitness Pal today just for added accountability. My toe is still hurting so bad, and now my RIGHT knee is hurting, I think from limping so much. The pain and location really sucks because there is not much I can do at the gym as far as cardio that won't hurt like hell.

No matter what, I know I can't let myself lose control like that again. That was insanity, and after not being that crazy for 2+ months, it really felt strange. It scared me. I don't want to be that person. I want to stay in my size 16's and get even smaller. I'm well on my way, I just have to stay on course.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

November Weigh In

I'm both excited and nervous about November. Excited about new beginnings and another month of progress. Nervous because this will be the first month I've had to prepare and plan my food. I only have 2 more days of Personal Trainer Food. Then it's back to meal prep. It's ok. I know I've re-trained my eating habits for the better. 

Hopefully I will be financially set to cotinie Personal Trainer Food after the new year. I love the convenience and I've seen awesome results.

Can you see the inches lost? This is just for October! 

Here are my overall results from September until now...

I was so proud! Then I stepped on the scale...

Really? Yes. Imagine my surprise.

But not really. I gave up on scale progress a few weeks ago. Concentrated  on my pants and clothes. And also how amazing I felt. 

And I'm trying to not let this mess with my head. Onward! 

My challenges for November include no junk/cheats until Nov. 21 (daughters bday), no weighing, and 30 for 30 (30 min of exercise daily for 30 days). 

Let's do this!