Friday, February 28, 2014

Clean Slate

The past few days (weeks) have been hard, to say the least. I’ve experienced a small setback on this weightloss journey of mine.

This morning I woke up and looked at my “diet calendar” to see how many stars I accumulated this month. My “diet calendar” is located in my bedroom near my scale. I get gold stars each day I work out, green stars for each day I have eaten well and stayed within my calories.

Let’s just say that there are not many green stars this month. Not a lot of gold ones, either. But more gold ones than green, which is good because it means that I’m working out pretty consistently again.

Stress is not an excuse to eat like crazy, I know. But lately the amount of stress that I deal with from both my job and my role as single parent has been very overwhelming.

But this week, after dealing with a VERY crazy situation at home, I decided that enough was enough.

And I did some soul searching.

What’s really important in this journey? Is it the weight loss, or the overall health that I’m REALLY searching for? Is it more important to be perfect, or to be focused on my goals no matter what is thrown at me? I can’t be perfect… there’s no way that’s ever going to happen. But as long as I can wake up every morning with a decision to be healthy and happy, I think I’ll eventually get to where I need to be.

I’m (once again) stepping away from daily weigh-ins. It’s just too discouraging and I think it drives me insane sometimes. My daily goal will be to stay within my calories (still tracking on MyFitnessPal) and to exercise for at least an hour (cardio + weights) four times per week. I will continue to meal prep, but when I can’t, I will have a back up plan. I’ve decided to go back to keeping frozen meals like SmartOnes around for times when I don’t have time to meal prep and need something fast and convenient to eat. This way, I will be able to stay within my calories, and have the satisfaction of knowing I made a good choice. SmartOnes now offer gluten free and vegetarian meals… I’ll definitely be trying those.

That’s my immediate plan. And I think it will work. I’ve actually did quite well for the last three days, and I’m looking forward to staying control this weekend.

I think giving myself a clean slate will help me get focused and motivated. A setback doesn’t mean you are a failure. The only way to fail is to stop trying.

In the spirit of full-disclosure, I’ve partnered with the Smart Ones brand and received compensation for my participation in the clean slate project ( However, all opinions given here are fully my own.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Binge-eating and what's next

I've relapsed.

I should have seen it coming, and in many ways I think I did. And I tried to stay positive and avoid it.

But I have relapsed. And I'm having a hard time getting myself together.

Yesterday was a binge day like I haven't had in a long time.

It was pre-meditated. And I didn't regret it at all.

I sat down in my car with a huge piece of red velvet cake purchased from Kroger. And ate about half of it before I felt better. I ate the rest later in the privacy of my bedroom.

I cried before I went into the store. Cried over being fat. Cried over my foot pain (more on that later). Cried over hurt feelings from an ex. I cried over being lonely. And overwhelmed. I cried over money and bills.

And then I ate my cake.

And I felt better.

I told myself beforehand that I would NOT feel better. That it would make me feel worse. But it turns out that piece of cake was clarity. It was soothing and yummy and took my mind off all the shit that was making me unhappy.

Like it always does.

I came home, made a healthy dinner and meal-prepped for success this week. But honestly, I wasn't feeling any of it.

What's the use? I'm not losing weight. I don't feel any healthier or different. Hell, I proved to myself with that binge yesterday that I'm still the same FatHollie underneath it all. All these months of trying to get it right and I'm still the same food addict that I've been since the beginning of Hollie.

I went to the doctor a week ago and had a full panel of blood work done. There MUST be something wrong with my thyroid or hormones or SOMETHING that is prohibiting me from losing weight, right? Nope. All is normal. (That news, although great, was very discouraging because deep down I was hoping there was some sort of medical reason for my 9-month plateau).

I started having horrible foot pain on Sunday morning that hasn't gone away. I'm limping and it hurts to walk. So taking out all my frustration at the gym is a big NO right now. I thought about doing the bike but any foot movement is painful. (And this stresses me out because all I can think of is another medical bill).

I'm just having a rough time with this section of my life. I've pretty much accepted that I'll be single for a while. I've accepted that single parents struggle financially and that I'm blessed to be able to pay my bills on time. I've accepted a lot of things.

But I do NOT accept being fat. I figure that's the one damned thing I should be able to change. And my body is fighting against me.

Or is it just that I'm not doing enough? That I'm not consistent and I am not being honest with myself about my level of commitment. Maybe I'm not trying all that hard.

But I honestly think I am. And that's what makes me so pissed off.

I'm trying. And getting no results.

Then I binge like yesterday. And I feel like I'm back to the drawing board.

What can I do?

Well, I think it's time to start going back to OA meetings. I saw an OA friend at a church I was visiting yesterday and I took that as a sign.

I also think that maybe I just need to simplify things a bit. I'm overwhelmed with juicing and clean eating and no sugar and low carb and acidic foods vs alkaline foods, etc. I've learned so much that I feel the need to implement EVERYTHING. But I can't. It's expensive and time consuming. I'm running low on time and money. So I've got to find some type of happy medium.

I haven't weighed in over a week, and I'm not sure I want to. But I think I need to.

Not sure what to do about that.

I definitely need to get back to prayer, and get God back into this. I was focused while fasting. But I've fallen off. Big time.

I'm not quitting. I just have to get the courage to get back on the wagon. It's harder than it seems sometimes.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Day 35 - progress update

The month of January was good! I lost a total of 11.7 lbs (from 270.8 to 259.1). It looks like I may have lost a few inches, too. 

I finished my Daniel Fast with no treats, and started the process of transitioning to "real life" eating. The first few days were rough... it was scary to add things back in and then the scale started creeping up. 

Ultimately, I decided that from this point forward I am going to start counting calories again using MyFitnessPal and follow their recommended amount (1660 calories) and actually EAT them. When I first started counting again I realized that I was eating only about 1200-1300 calories, not including what I'm burning during exercise. After a pep talk from a new friend who has lost 100+ lbs in 7 months, I have decided to at least eat my minimum daily. I am trying to choose clean, whole food and make sure that I'm balancing my macros, but it's not perfect. 

My goals for February...

I am actually enjoying exercise again, and I am DETERMINED to finally get some kind of at-home gym set up in my garage. I NEED a place (besides my tiny bedroom) to exercise at home. Last night, for example, I got home late from taking my daughter to play practice. I could've popped in a DVD, but I couldn't because it would keep my kids up if I did it in my room or the living room. The way my wood floors are set up... the whole house would be bouncing. Not to mention that you can hear the slightest noise, even with the doors shut. But if I can get the garage cleaned and set up, it's on the opposite end of the house as our bedrooms, plus the floor is concrete. It will work.