2014 goal... Starting NOW

This has been such an amazing year as far as my weight loss journey goes. No... I haven't lost as much weight as I wanted to. Yes, I've basically been on a plateau for six months. But I've learned a great deal. I've learned about nutrients and macronutrients and juicing and fasting and food addiction and sugar and non-scale victories and the importance of weight training... The list goes on. 

For the last week or so I've been doing a lot of praying and soul searching about the upcoming new year. I've been exercising again, but my eating has been full of comfort foods and sugary treats. I know that I'm in my addiction right now. My excuse has been that I just need to get past Christmas. 

Well, Christmas is over. It's time to get started.

I have decided to do something very drastic next year. I am totally eliminating refined sugar, white carbs and gluten. Not for 21-days, or for a challenge.

For good. No cheats. I'm giving it up. 

It's my drug. My body craves 'sugar' and substances that turn into sugar in my body. Fruit... Even though it's sugar... Does not make me crazy. So (for now) fruit will be allowed. But the rest of the stuff is not allowed.

Crazy, huh? Drastic. But I know I can do it. I know it has to be done. Like any other person addicted to drugs or alcohol... I know that I can't have refined sugar or bad carbs in moderation. I must eliminate it from my diet.

I pray that the Daniel Fast will help me prepare my mind, body and spirit for this lifestyle change. I believe it will be a good starting point. God knows I'm going to need to rely on Him a lot this year to have the willpower and strength to beat this addiction. 

But I will. I have set a new goal of 175 lbs. and I BELIEVE I will meet that goal in 2014.

Failure is no longer an option.

The new year starts today with a gradual detox from sweets and bad carbs. Lots of lean meats and veggies and fruit until my fast on January 1. I will hopefully begin to prepare my body now instead of last-minute binging like I usually do. I've got a Teatox from SwamiMami I've been wanting to try. 

I'm just so ready. I'm sick and tired of feel in sick and tired.

The most wonderful time of the year!

I am actually excited about Christmas this year! The kids and I put a tree up (sometimes we don't) and we have been focused on all the blessings this year has given us. Our pastor has had three excellent sermons on Christmas this month that I'm thankful for. My Christmas spirit is definitely on high! 

The cat has basically destroyed our little tree, which ticks me off. She is living in the garage until Decembet 26!

I had a good workout yesterday despite being crazy sore from Saturdays beating. From my Instagram post...

 

I didn't realize until today how much technology played into my workout! I started on the treadmill to do intervals, but I couldn't get my music app OR the nike app to work! I was about ready to fling my phone across the gym because I was so mad, but after turning the phone off and back on I at least got my music to work. It was at this time I realized I had forgot to turn on my HRM! So it took a good 13 min to get it together, but I had a good workout. 30 min on the treadmill, 15 min on a new machine that's a cross between a stepper and an elliptical? Not sure what it's called. 

This morning I practically rolled out of bed. Everything is sore! But I'll still work out today... Maybe a walk in the park? And my friend is going to join me this evening for Pilated and Fuse, which should be fun.

I'm gonna watch Hungry for Change this morning as another step in preparing for my Daniel Fast. I'm looking forward to it... But I know it's going to be a big deal. I'm going to incorporate some juicing in there, too. 

Although I've been doing great with exercise, my eating hasn't been the best. I made a lasagna for dinner last night (haven't made lasagna in 10 years prob) and it was so good! I'll start doing some baking for Christmas tonight and tomorrow. But it will all be over by Friday. 

The Daniel Fast

I mentioned on IG/Facebook the other day that I intend on doing the Daniel Fast. I bought this book on Kindle for only $2.99 and I've been reading it and taking notes. I REALLY think this fast will help me get closer to God, and at the same time reset my body and detox from sugar and processed food. 

My struggle is more mental than physical... I've learned this over the past year. I believe that I need to fix my soul and fill the emptiness there, since I'm always trying to fill that emptiness with food. And I'm craving a stronger relationship with God. It's all connected.

I had an awesome workout this morning. I was the only one who showed up to Calorie Crush class, so Caley (my favorite instructor) gave me lots of one-on-one and it felt like I had a personal trainer. She also encouraged me to stick with and increase my strength training. I was totally exhausted after our workout, but it felt so good to work past my comfort zone.

My goal for this weekend is to get my water in because I've been totally slacking. I'm also going to workout 2xs daily during break, and start cutting down on sugar (except for Christmas). I need to make the rest of 2013 count, and get prepared to start 2014 strong!

Christmas break?

I'm struggling today. 

I should be really happy because it's the beginning of my Christmas break (2 weeks off!). But I've been very sad and emotional for a few days. One of our special kids at school passed away on Monday evening. She was not one of my students, but I was around this child for 4 years. And I'm very sad for this family because this is their second child to die with this rare disorder. Last night was visitation at the funeral home and I lost it. Came home and ate pizza with my kids.

Which, of course made me feel like crap emotionally and physically. And I still feel crappy today. I've barely had any water and I've been in the bed since around 1pm with a headache. 

Tomorrow is the day that I'm supposed to start 2-a-day workouts. And get my eating under control. And I'm scared that I won't do it.

Crazy, right? But my mindset and willpower are weak. But I also know there is no way I can exist like this until after Christmas. I've got to get better.

If I can just get in that gym in the morning I know it will set my mood for the remainder of the day. So that's my goal. 

Blogging

I've decided to start blogging again. 

When I first started this blog back in September 2008, it was a journal to document my weight loss journey. I never in a million years thought that people would actually WANT to read about my life and my struggles with weight loss. Here I am 5 years later... still not at goal.

But I'm still TRYING. I'm still DETERMINED. And I still appreciate the support and encouragement that I have received over the years. I've made so many friends in the blogosphere and in real life!

Since I've started to journal (paper and pen style) more lately, I've decided to take my thoughts and feelings back to the blog. I want to take this blog back to what it was supposed to be in the first place... my journal. My personal thoughts and feelings and struggles. And I stopped putting all that on here because I felt like my failure in weight loss was letting everyone down.

But I've still used Facebook and Instagram as tools to "document" what's happening. So why not bring it all back home?

Yeah... that sounds like a good idea.

Addiction

My name is Hollie, and I'm a compulsive overeater, a food addict, and sugar addict.

This is my reality. And it's time that I started dealing with this again, or else I'm going to be over 300 lbs again before I know it.

A week ago, I celebrated one year of continuously striving for weight loss and a healthy lifestyle. I was feeling pretty good, I had a plan of action, and I was ready to make things happen.

Then, something happened. I had a death in the family. I had to deal with some emotions brought on from someone in my past. Work was stressful. Add to that the already high level of tension I am feeling from being a single parent who is struggling financially through the holiday season and it happened.

The binging started Wednesday. And it didn't end until today.

I guess I am thankful that I'm able to recognize what's happening, but it feels awful nonetheless. A friend suggested writing in a journal, and after a short time of writing yesterday I had to admit to myself that I just can't handle sugar.

See, last December when I got started, I also began attending Overeater Annonymous meetings. I didn't realize that compulsive overheating and sugar addiction was so real until I started attending those meetings. And remember, I stayed clean (sugar free) for 90+ days. But during that time, I was also attending meetings. When soccer started this spring, I stopped going to the meetings and the sugar crept back in.

I didn't see it as a problem. I was in control. I had a 'cheat' here and there... No big deal.

Fast forward 8 months. I indulge in sugary treats whenever I want, and even when I try to abstain, I still fail to keep sweets out of my diet. And now I'm binging again.

I have come to the conclusion that many people in my OA meetings already know... I just can't have it. Sweet, sugary treats are not just something I can enjoy on occasion. I'm going to have to eliminate them entirely. At least for a while. Maybe someday after the weight is off and I've maintained a while, I can add occasional sweets back in. But right now... It's cold turkey.

My addicted brain tells me to wait until New Years, but I already made it through last years holiday season with no treats, so I know I can do it again. I just don't want to. But I have to.

I recalculated my macros on myfitnesspal and also lowered my calories a bit from what I got on the IIFYM website. I'm going to try it for a week and see how it goes.

I know that once I get clean I will feel better, but right now I feel awful. Mentally and physically. I'm really struggling with EVERYTHING right now and I hate that feeling. Please pray that I can get through these next few days of detox.

One year later...

It was one year ago today that I had enough... 319 lbs and miserable, I went sugar-free/low carb in an attempt to lose weight and get on track for good! I've been pushing ever since and have lost 50+ lbs.

A year later, I'm happy to say that I'm still hanging in there. I won't give up, no matter how long it takes me to get to goal! 

My goals for this month...

My focus will be getting my food back under control... I feel myself slipping back into old, bad habits. I can't let that happen!