I'm sure I've posted this pic before, but I saw it today and it really fits how I feel right now. I'm sore. My legs are screaming in pain from hiking on Sunday, and also going to the gym Monday night. I did 30 slow minutes on the elliptical... I wanted to quit after 10. But I pushed through. I couldn't be a quitter. Today was day 1 of Jillian's 30-day Shred with co-workers after school. I hurt.
I've done much better with eating. Not perfect... But what is perfect? I've tried for years to find the perfect eating plan and I'm just not sure it exists anymore. I've been fat free, carb free, low calories, high calorie... I've drank about every meal replacement I'm the market. I've taken countless pills. I've done no sugar. I've done Paleo. Weight Watchers. Medifast. Body by Vi. Isagenix... Probably more than that. None of these plans have been perfect for me. Some have worked better than others, though.
I've found that lower sugar and lower carbs work best for me to lose weight. But I am addicted to sugar. If I restrict too much at once, I'm not going to follow the plan. No matter what it is.
So what's my happy medium? Can I be happy during weight loss? Yeah... I think I can. I'm pretty happy when I see the results of my hard work. I'm pretty happy when I see the scale move in the right direction, and when I buy smaller clothes. Right now I'm happy because I feel like I'm doing something again.
But weight loss (for me) is not always shiny and happy. Sometimes it sucks. Like this summer, when I was stuck at a plateau and felt like it was impossible to lose weight. Or when I'm starving, or having a craving. Or when I'm weak because my body is craving carbs and I won't give in. Or when even after I've lost 50 lbs, I still look at my body and feel like it's a train wreck.
Ugh. What's the right way to lose weight? Hell if I know. All I know right now is that I have to. Being 300+ lbs sucks a whole lot right now. Almost as much as turning 40 in a couple of years. Being sick and in constant pain isn't easy. I have to lose weight. Hopefully, somehow I will figure it out. But until then, I'm just going to stick with small changes in my diet along with exercise. I'm watching carbs in an attempt to one day get as sugar-free as possible. I'm going to move in the right direction. Because I just can't afford to go backwards at this point.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
It's been a great week. I started out the week full of resolve to just IMPROVE my diet and to drink more water. I think I did pretty darned good, considering in the past I would have just waited until the holiday was over.
My school week was short... only Monday and Tuesday. We left for Missouri on Tuesday night because my family had planned to celebrate Thanksgiving on Wednesday since my sisters and niece all work in retail and had to work Thursday night. This worked out great. My mom was able to leave the nursing home for the day, so I got so much good time with her and everyone else. The food was amazing, but I didn't stuff myself. I had two slices of pie... there were five pies, though. But this was my ONE DAY not to worry, but just enjoy myself.
I love this pic of my mom and kids. I truly treasure the times I have with her now. But the Alzheimer's is getting worse every time I visit.
Here is a pic of me and my mom and two of my sisters. Some major cropping happened to most of the pics with me in it, but this one is unedited. I'm determined not to let a picture define how I feel about myself. It's so hard, though.
We left Missouri Wed night, drove 4.5 hours back to TN, then left again at 5 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning for the 7 hour trek to southern GA to celebrate the holiday with Mr. L's father and family. Fun times are guaranteed with Mr. L's family. We left there Thursday night and drive 2 more hours to Tallahassee, FL to see his mom and step-dad. We spend the night there, then headed back Friday afternoon. It was a whirlwind trip but we got to spend quality time with everyone and we all had so much fun.
Yesterday, I had a little me time. After spending close to 30 hours in a car with my four kids over three days, I think I deserved it! During that time (and also during the 9 hr drive back from FL) I did a lot of reflecting about where my weight loss goals are going, and NEED to be going. I set a few goals that I'm excited about.
By January 2014, I want to lose 100 lbs. for my 20-year high school reunion. I set this same goal 10 years ago for my 10-year reunion, and met it! I know I can do it again, and I have 13 months to get there.
Also, most people close to me know that I plan on moving to Florida in the next few years. I've always wanted to live there, and after my oldest two graduate in 2015, I think it will be a good time to make that transition. SO my 2nd goal is to get to and maintain my goal weight before I move. I have about 150 lbs to lose all together, so if I reach my 1st goal, I'll be well on my way to the 2nd.
Just having these goals makes me feel really good. I feel so motivated right now. I even went on a 1.5 hour hike with Brooke today to hopefully push myself back into fitness. I almost backed out several times this morning, but I went and I'm glad I did. I realized that a lot of my problem is just fear. I'm afraid to fail AGAIN. But somewhere during that walk I realized that the only way to move forward is to fight that fear every day. As much as I want it, actually succeeding at weight loss is still scary to me. It's out of my comfort zone, in a way. As UNCOMFORTABLE as I am right now, I think I'm so used to being this weight that it's scary to think about life outside this zone.
I'm really trying to work on me right now--- mind and body. Like I said earlier... this was a good first week back in the game despite the holiday. I'm ready to ROCK next week!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
It seems as if I've quit again, so as a result, I'm starting over again.
Back to the basics. Face on the floor. Begging my body for forgiveness.
On Thursday, I got an amazing text from my friend Crys. She had reached onederland. I actually shed a tear or two, because I was so happy for her. But at the same time, I was totally disgusted with the fact that I was eating my 10th piece of candy for the day as I was envying my friends progress. It was a slap in the face.
Have you ever seen one of those Lifetime movies about someone with multiple personalities? One where the lady (or man) slips from one personality to another, then runs to the mirror only to find that they've committed some horrible act while they were that other person. And then they are just sick because they have to fix whatever problem fast before anyone notices? Or they wonder WHO has already noticed?
Yeah... that's how I felt. I looked in the mirror and was horrified at the person who looked back at me.
Why have I let myself do this AGAIN? Why do I trick myself into thinking I'm in control, when obviously I'm not. My pants are tight, my leg is swollen, my feet, back and legs hurt all the time. And my indigestion is horrible. But I still eat the candy. And drink the sweet tea. And eat that second helping.
Thursday night was rough. Not only did I have to face the facts about spiraling out of control about my diet, I had to re-live and evaluate other personal areas of my life, too. It's not hard to put two and two together... My personal issues are directly related to my weight gain and lack of control. I'm emotional eating like crazy and I know it.
So what's the solution? I have to fix me. From the inside out. I have to stop ignoring the obvious. I have to take control of all aspects of my life. And it's going to be hard. So hard that I doubted at first if I am strong enough to do it. Thank GOD for friends who remind me that I'm strong enough to do anything I put my mind to. And I'm worth it.
As much as I would like a magic wand to erase the mistakes I've made over the past few months, I know it's going to to be a slow process with lots of hard work. I can deal with that. I'm ready to do something. I can't just eat myself to death because I don't want to face the hard issues in my life.
It's time to do something.