Monday, August 20, 2012

Riding high...

10.21 miles. 1:13 hours. 942 calories. My 6 a.m. bike ride yesterday morning. I didn't think I was going to make it. Last Sunday Mr. L and I rode just over an hour and went about 8 miles. We didn't set out to go further this week, it just happened. We had to stop at a Mapco for Mr. L to pee, and honestly, I didn't think I would be able to make it the almost 2 miles home. I was DONE. But he pushed me, and I made it.

During the ride I went up this huge, winding hill that Mr. L has always referred to as Alpe d'Huez because it's a hard climb like the one in the Tour de France. It almost killed me, but I made it. I knew he was proud of me, because it took him a while to be able to make that hill, and I made it on my first try. At 300+ lbs.

I still refuse to weigh myself, and I am still ok with that. My life is so much happier without the stress of the scale. I am going to sign up for health insurance during open enrollment, so I should be able to see a doctor after January 1. I get a (slight) raise in September that should help cover some of the $500/month that it costs.  I need it. I am 99% sure that my issues stem from something medical now, so until I get to see a doctor, I will keep doing what I'm doing!

No matter what the scale says, I know and can now see the changes I've made since the end of May. I am stronger. My physical endurance is at an all time awesome. I mean, 6 months ago there is no way I could have survived a 10 mile bike ride! My food choices are so much better and my portions are good, too. I am just so happy to know that I am trying. Not losing/gaining weight SUCKS when you know deep down that you aren't doing anything to stop the madness. I know I am trying, so at least I have that victory. I will keep going, despite feeling a little down at times. I am confident that all this is setting me up for greatness in the end.

I am liking my new gym and got to meet with a trainer twice last week. He pushed me so hard on Thursday that it's still hard to raise my arms. It's crazy how all this time I really thought I was doing my best when it came to weights... I guess not! I took several rest days because I knew that it would be pointless to try to life again when I was so sore. But I am going back today.

**side note about my new gym: Although everyone is very nice and it's a very good facility... I feel so out of place! I am the only fat overweight plus-sized obese person I've seen there. I feel so self-conscious. At my old gym, there were all shapes and sizes. At this gym, there are lots of Ken's and Barbie's. I guess that's what more money will get you. It's ok... I still like it and will continue to go.

I also want to mention that I do NOT like Weight Watcher's online. Their database sucks, and their app is NOT user friendly. I miss MFP. My local WW is supposed to get the monthly pass option on Sept 1, so I might see if they will give me the credit left over from the 2 months left online to go to meetings. Either way, I will not renew. I don't have a problem with the points, or staying in them, it's just such a pain to track. And we all know that if it's not convenient I won't do it.

Well, I am off to the DMV with my daughter so she can get her permit, and then she has a doctor's appointment scheduled. I took off from work, so hopefully I can get all this stuff done today. She turned 15 on Saturday... oh how time flies!

Sunday, August 12, 2012


Some days when I wake up, I feel a little more determined than others. Today, as I was talking to my daughter, I realized that I have CONSISTENTLY been on track with diet and exercise since my birthday on May 26. There, of course, have been days that I have eaten terribly. There have been days that I didn't work out when I should have. But overall, I have been on track.

I can't say that there have been more than two days straight where I haven't been focused on the right path. Whatever that is at the time. Visalus, counting calories, eating clean, low carb, Weight Watcher's... I have been having a hard time finding the "perfect" plan, but I can say with honestly that I've been trying.


God, how I have just been striving for consistency.

I've even been fairly consistent in workouts. The first two weeks back to work were rough, but I was back on track with exercise this week thanks to my new bike. I LOVE riding. Besides going swimming, I haven't even been to the new gym yet. My afternoons this week have been spent riding my bike around my neighborhood.

This morning Mr. L and I went EIGHT MILES in just over an hour. We rode in a big circle around our town. Toward the end I was really tired, but I never once wanted to stop. I felt so accomplished after I was done. In one week I've went from riding up and down my street for 5 minutes at a time to riding an 8-mile course that took an hour. Wow. I am pretty proud of myself.

And apparently I have many friends out there that are proud of me, too. A couple of times I've been told that I am an inspiration. That's hard to believe. Me, inspiring? The girl who has dieted all summer with no real weight loss? Me? I just have to shake my head and smile. Wow... that's an amazing compliment.

I am finally in a good place where I am feeling a little less urgent about what the scale says and more in tune to how I feel. My bike rides yesterday afternoon and this morning left me feeling so strong. For someone 300+ lbs, I feel so blessed to have a body that can still work and function like it should. I am beginning to love to exercise, and crave it when I'm not doing it.

The food... well, I am still at war with what I eat but Weight Watcher's is helping me. Last week was rough as far as tracking and staying within my points, but I did like the freedom. I didn't feel like I was stressed out about my choices, or restricted in any way. I have figured out (again) that the days that I have a good lunch packed and lots of fruit that I have no problem staying within my points. I did a lot of grocery shopping this weekend to make sure I have plenty of choices and easy options to grab and go for work. I am expecting a good week.

I am also going to stay away from the scale for a while longer. I don't want that thing to mess with this good feeling I've got going. WHEN I start losing weight again, my clothes will tell me. Until then, I am just going to keep going. Eventually, I will get there.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Three great things...

Since I last posted three great things happened that will hopefully have a major impact on my weight loss journey:

1. I joined Weight Watcher's online.
2. I joined the fancy gym near my house.
3. I bought a bike!

I didn't just set out to do all these things, but everything just fell into place! I joined WW online on Friday and started the plan on Saturday. This weekend was a BUST, though... It was tax-free weekend in TN and I basically shopped all evening Friday, all day Saturday, and half the day on Sunday. It was just too crazy to really sit down and try to learn the plan and track points. But today has gone really well so far. I actually am going to make salad for dinner tonight. Last night my family enjoyed roasted broccoli. I also stocked up on fruit and veggies, and have my lunches planned. No excuses.

My ex-hubby, who is now my boyfriend manfriend partner babydaddy (not really sure what to call him, lol, but we are happy and working out our issues), paid the pricey fee on Friday for the new gym, because he really wants to get in shape, too. I am excited to go there this evening for the first time. I get four free consults with a personal trainer, so I am excited about that, too. The convenience is going to be great.

Then on Saturday, he was browsing through Craigslist and found a great deal on a bike. $75 for a bike that retails at $499! All it needed was to be cleaned up and some air in the tires. Since Mr. L (I'll give him a name) is and has always been a bike NUT and cycling addict, he was more than happy to get my bike in sparkling condition yesterday morning. I was so excited to take it for a spin!

Let me tell you... the first couple of trips up and down my street were HARD. I've only been out of the gym for a week, so it's not that I am so far out of shape. I just feel like riding the bike was working muscles I haven't been working. My legs are super sore today, but thankfully the bike seat is cushy and my butt doesn't hurt!

Mr. L took several videos of me riding. Once again I almost let the way I looked ruin the moment. In my mind, I look and feel so much thinner than I am, and there is nothing like a picture or video to bring me down. But I quickly changed my attitude and really tried to keep the high I had from riding. From yesterday morning to yesterday evening, I had to ride several times just to get the hang of riding a bike! It's been since high school since I've rode a bike any real distance. But good thing practice makes perfect!

I have never posted a video on this blog, and I really debated about posting this one. Not trying to be negative, but I hate the way I look. But I know that in that moment I was so happy. I've always envied Mr. L when he goes out on 30 mile bike rides, and this is the first time we've ever rode together. One day I will look back and my change will be remarkable.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

What day is it?

I knew that all hell would break loose when school started, and I was right! It's been so busy for the last 3 days. Yes... we are already back to school. Our school year started on July 30!

Although I've packed my gym clothes all three days I've yet to make it. I really WANT to get back into a routine, but its so hard right now. I didn't leave my classroom until 6:15 today, then had to rush home and feed my kids. Craziness.

Well, through all the madness, I've pretty much decided to join Weight Watcher's. Again. I know it's a shift in gears, but hey... what else would you expect from me!?!? Seriously, I've tossed the thought around for about a month, and after about five people close to me encouraged me to try it again, I started to think about it. It has worked for me in the past. I have NEVER felt like I'm on a diet with WW... which could be good or bad. But I need a plan.

I have fell off the wagon big time. The no-sugar plan backfired in my face... again. I hated it, I tried, and I hated it even more. I didn't have energy to work out. I was sad and unhappy. My mood was terrible. Yes, I know these are all withdrawal symptoms... but I just can't deal with depression right now. Too much going on.

So I thought that I could relax just a little bit. What a joke. I was in a full-out binge by Sunday night that had me up all night sick as a dog. Without time to think for the past three days, it's been hard to recover. But today was a good day, and I plan on trying to keep on that path.

I know I am sick. My brain is just so screwed up when it comes to weight loss. This summer's failed attempt at fitness and weight loss REALLY hit me hard. I tried so hard, and still couldn't make it happen. Just typing it has me almost in tears. I wanted so badly for the Body by Vi to work because I really love the product. I wanted so badly to see results from so much time spent in the gym. I'm so let down.

But since quitting is not an option, I have to keep going. But I NEED A STRUCTURED PROGRAM. People with the best intentions tell me that it's just about eating clean and staying process-food-free. But it's so much more than that. So much more. I am disordered when it comes to eating. And I think my body has just gave up, too.

I am going to try to pick up insurance during open enrollment in October so I can go see a doctor. I really think I have something medical going on with my thyroid or metabolism. My efforts this summer should have worked. But they didn't.

Until then, I need to get out of this diet mindset or I am going to lose my damned mind. I am tired of deprivation. Yes, I am addicted to sugar, but I need a 12-step program... I can't just quit cold turkey! Not now, at least. I have to be able to function.

I think Weight Watcher's couldn't hurt. I haven't tried the new plan, but when I put it out on FB that I was considering starting, I got a lot of positive feedback. I've tried everything else... I might as well try something that's worked in the past.

The only thing I am still hung up on is whether or not to do online or meetings. I do not like meetings, but they may provide more support? Will I get accountability online? Online is definitely cheaper...

I am also going to join my new gym this week, so hopefully that will be a good move, too. It's super close to my house, so I think I'll be more likely to run back out for a quick workout than I am now. My current gym is close to my job, but far enough from home that I am usually not willing to drive back across town once I'm already at home. Plus, the hours at the new gym are MUCH better. Open earlier and close later. Gotta love that.

Sorry for the ramble, but I am so brain-dead I'm surprised I even posted. I will hopefully have better news the next time I check in.

For now, I am going to close with this pic my friend Elizabeth shared on my FB wall today. Love it.