Thursday, January 27, 2011

Trying to do the right thing...

440 (+/-) calories, 40 minutes in the gym this afternoon. Once again, my kids made me go. It's been a hell of a day.

I slipped on the ice this morning when I was getting into the van. And then this jerk was SO rude to me when I was dropping my kids off. I knew the day would be rough. Thankfully, work went well, and I was in a positive state of mind.

Until I got home and checked the mailbox...

I got a letter from the IRS stating they were levying my bank account for a tax debt. Of course, it's a mess that my EX-ASSHOLE-HUSBAND got us into, but since he is rotting away in jail, who do they go after? Me. Good thing I'm already BROKE and only have had $9 in the bank.

SO I spent the next 2 hours on the phone with the IRS...

I had already promised the kids on the way home from school that we were going to the gym tonight. When I came out of my room where I'd been talking on the phone, the kids were changed and dressed and ready to go. So guess what? I got ready, too. I figured some good 'ole exercise would help clear my head. And I was right.

I am tired as HELL right now. Can't wait to sleep well and wake up in the morning to do it all over again!

I swear, I try to do the right thing. I try to be good to people, and treat people the way I want to be treated. For some reason, I just can't seem to catch a break. But just like with the weight-loss, I refuse to give up. My time HAS to be around the corner!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

New year... new me!

12 inches... gone! And I feel so good. I needed a change.

And btw... I went to the gym yesterday. We were out for snow today, and I've been fighting a migraine all day. I plan on going back tomorrow.

Great thing, is my kids are who pushed me to go yesterday. They had so much fun playing basketball. Sounds like we can FINALLY get back into a gym routine. It's not all about me, now.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

This is what happens...

Right now I feel.... raw?

Over the last week, I have not had a binge day. Since making crappy choices last weekend, I decided on making good choices this week. Every morning so far, I have got up, made my IsaLean shake, filled a water bottle each with my Ionix and my Cleanse, and brewed a cup of coffee to go. I sip my shake on the way to school (I have to stop at 3 schools before I get to mine to drop all my kids off). Then I drink my coffee while my students arrive. During the course of the morning, I sip my Ionix and my Cleanse drinks.

We go to lunch at 11:50. By the time I get trays for my students in wheelchairs, it is around 12:00 before I sit down to eat myself (with my students). This week, I brought my lunch once... leftovers from dinner the night before. The other two days, I chose to eat a meal replacement bar. Usually somewhere after lunch and before I leave for the day, I will have an IsaDelight (dark chocolate with green tea... love these!). I drink 1 - 2 bottles of water. I feel like this is a good day, overall.

When I get home, I do okay. Not perfect eating... but just okay. I don't overeat... I don't binge. I don't even snack. I've been cooking dinner for my family, so I usually eat a little bit of that. Yesterday we had dinner at church, and I had a salad and a piece of fried chicken (the smell reeled me in). I'm not making excuses, but I think overall, I am doing much better. I feel like I am making conscious choices when it comes to food. I stop eating when I am full. Good, right?

But it seems like each day that goes by, I get into a deeper reflective mode. This is what happens, I guess, when you actually start THINKING instead of just BEING. I've been on this path for quite a while where I just roll through the day, not really thinking about anything in particular, but just trying to make it through the day. But by starting each day this week by being DELIBERATE, that is, making a CHOICE to eat a proper breakfast and to follow my cleansing plan, I feel like it is helping me stay more focused during the day.

It is also making me reflect on a lot of things I want to change in my life. Things I don't really want to deal with, but things that are necessary to face.

My weight loss has so much more to do with what is going on in my head, than what I put in my mouth everyday. If anything, what goes on in my head is the root of my bad food choices and binge-eating behavior. For a long time, food has been my psychiatrist. It allows me to drown myself in calories instead of facing the real problems.

My younger sister got out of jail about a week and a half ago. She stayed with me last weekend, and for the first time... ever?... we talked about some deep childhood issues. About how I was treated by my mother, and how she was treated by my father. And about how I was the ugly, fat sister and she was the beautiful, skinny model. And we talked with no accusations or judgment, but just about how things were. Bad or good. I hope my sister stays on the right track and gets her life together. I will love and take care of her son regardless... but I DO wish her well. And I will treasure the talks we had last weekend. I wonder if she knows how much that experience is helping me move forward?

I am trying to fix the inside of myself, as well as the outside. Mentally and physically, I have a lot of changes to make this year.

Monday, January 17, 2011

I have a dream...

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.”
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Happy MLK day! Even though we got FOUR snow days last week, I am happy to have one more day off from work. I had my second EGD today, and I got good news. I already knew that my reflux and heartburn had improved with medication, and had improved even more with a better diet. But the EGD showed improvement on the inside of my body as well. The ulcers and any other signs of damage are gone. The procedure was easy, and I was home 2 hours later.

Cleansing is still going well, but I did stumble a bit on Friday night. A friend cooked dinner for me, and it was NOT on plan. I ate, couldn't eat everything... my stomach just wouldn't allow it. I definitely can't stuff myself like I used to. Even with what I ate, I felt so bloated and icky that I just couldn't stand it! I find that my Isagenix meal replacement shakes keep me within my comfort zone right now. I have even figured out how to make them taste better (frozen strawberries instead of ice, and one packet of Splenda).

I made a goal this week to journal my food and calories, and I dropped off after a few days. I NEED to do better on this, so I made it my goal for this week, too. Tonight, I am getting everything ready for this week at school. Organization is key. If I have everything I need at my fingertips, then I can stay on plan.

I am also losing weight. How much? I don't know yet... My leg started swelling after I went back to work on Friday. I am honestly afraid to weigh in with the swollen leg because if I see a higher number on the scale, I know it is going to play with my emotions! The scale can play such mind tricks with me... larger numbers instantly discourage me and smaller numbers can instantly motivate me. I am doing everything that I can diet-wise to help with the swelling, and keep my leg elevated when possible. It's just not really possible to keep it elevated while I am at work.

So, until I feel like I am able to weigh again, I am going to measure my weight loss in other ways. My pants are already looser. Thursday night, I was playing Wii over at a friends house, and my jeans kept falling down. When I went back to school on Friday, several people came up to me and told me they could tell I was losing weight. And did I mention that I FEEL so much better?

On Thursday night and last night, I went to my best friends house to play Just Dance on the Wii. It is such a workout! But let me tell you, it felt so good to be exercising again. Not just because I was burning calories, but because I was ABLE to workout again. I really need to keep this up and get back to the gym asap. I even thought about buying the game for me to play at home. I love to dance, and it IS a good workout. We will see... I am all about baby steps right now, and I am really concentrating on just drinking my water and following my Isagenix plan right now. Maybe if I can keep up with my journaling goal this week, I will make a gym goal next week.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A great start to the New Year

So far, 2011 is off to a great start! As of January 4, I am officially DIVORCED. And yes, this is a GOOD thing. For those of you who have been reading for a while, you know this divorce has been a long, painful process. I am glad to finally put that chapter of my life behind me.

I am officially moving forward with other important areas. One of those areas, of course, is weight loss. So far this year, I have managed to shed 3.6 lbs. (probably more... my leg was very swollen when I weighed). As I mentioned, I decided to go back on my Isagenix plan, and for that I am grateful. I am cleansing again, and finally am starting to feel "good" again. Even though it took a few days to wrap my mind around portion control and good choices again, I feel like I am back in the swing of things. I was able to do the recommended full day cleanse on yesterday with no problems. I feel focused, and determined to get healthy again.

Last week was back to work. On Monday, I noticed the swelling in my leg (the one with the blood clot) was worse, and by Thursday it was terrible. I went to the doctor and they did another ultrasound to make sure the clot hadn't moved, and they discovered that it was gone! They were just as surprised as I was, but I am so happy to not have the constant fear that that thing would move to my lungs and cause trouble. It was also reaffirming to see that after after just one week of deciding to start putting the "good stuff" back into my body, that my body responded kindly. :)

Apparently the swelling in my leg is due to vein damage... I forgot the exact 3-letters they called it. I Googled it when I got home, and I found that the condition is worse when the patient is obese. Of course it is.

The next day at work, I was approached by a co-worker that asked to "read my eyes". She didn't know me well enough to know what was wrong with me, but noticed my swollen leg and thought she might be able to offer some advice. This woman has studied holistic medicine for quite a while, and I know of two other people in the school that swear by what she has to say, so I was game.

Basically she told me what I already know... that my body is toxic. She explained to me how I needed to do a detox or cleanse, and that my liver is working overtime. She also mentioned "leaky gut" and some other symptoms that point straight to toxicity. I explained to her that I already know I am toxic, and that I am trying to cleanse. I showed her my Isagenix Ionix Supreme and the Cleanse for Life that I have been drinking again on a daily basis. I could see that she was skeptical, but she was really blown away when she read the ingredients. At the end of our conversation, we both agreed that I am on the right track to getting better. But it felt good to get one more affirmation.

And guess what else? As of yesterday, the swelling in my leg is GONE. I have tried to keep it up all weekend, and yesterday and today were snow days, so I haven't been on my feet a lot. I have also been drinking water like crazy again. I would like to think a combination of the "good" things I am doing for my body are contributing to the reduced swelling.

All in all, I guess I am proving what I already know - when you take care of yourself and put good things into your body, your body responds kindly. Yes, I really wanna lose weight this year, but first and foremost I want to be healthy and feel well again. The past week has just been awesome, and I am excited to keep going. Hopefully, weight loss for me will be a wonderful side-effect of good health.

***If you are curious about Isagenix or the products that I use, click HERE. I have tried a lot of products since I started this journey, and Isagenix products are by far the best I've used. I signed up to to be an Isagenix distributor for the huge discount I get on the products, but the extra income I've earned is a huge bonus! Over the past few months several of my blog readers have let me know they are also loving this product. If you have any questions, shoot me an email and I will be glad to help you. And this isn't a plug that I am doing because I got the product for free, either. I am paying for the products and will happily do so because they work!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

One Resolution

I'm not making a resolution to lose weight this year. I make that resolution every year. Not this year, though.

This year I have one resolution...

1. Put ME first.

Sounds a little selfish, huh? Hell, yeah, it is.

I will NEVER lose weight, find happiness, or succeed in anything I wish for in my life until I learn to put my needs first. Even above those of my family.

This concept is so hard for me to get in my head.

This year, I need to put ME first. If I am not well (mentally and physically) then what good can I do for my family? How can I be a good mother to my children?

Once, when I was in the hospital last month, my children told me that they felt "abandoned". They were so panicked about me being sick and in the hospital because they realized that if something happened to me, they had no one to take care of them. No one. I am all they have.

That knowledge hit me like a ton of bricks. I HAVE to be there for my children. I have to get well, or they will have no one. My ex-husband is in jail, looking at prison time. My family is so dysfunctional, it's not like they can go live with a relative... there are none! Yes, I have friends and people who love me that help me, but it's not like they would be able to take on FOUR children if I died or was sick long-term.

I have to get it together. I have to make myself and my health a priority this year. No excuses.

My children mean the world to me. They ARE my world. I would do anything for them, and my priority in life is to be a good mother.

My health scares over the past month have opened my eyes. I know what needs to be done.

And I am so scared. I feel overwhelmed. It's do or die.

I HAVE to lose this weight. No more playing around with my health. I have to put ME first so I can be a good mother and show my children that by fighting for me, I am fighting for them, too.

2011 will bring some major changes. I am ready.

Happy NEW Year!