Thursday, April 29, 2010

Eating Disorder?

No matter how many blogs or articles I read on binge-eating or compulsive eating, it still hasn't "clicked" in my head as an EATING DISORDER. Why? All the evidence seems to point that way.

I guess (maybe) it is because I have a hard time admitting to myself that I have an eating disorder.  I KNOW that I am addicted to food, but does this go along with having a binge-eating disorder? I came across this site today...

It defines binge-eating disorder as:
a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, shrouded in secrecy.
When you have binge-eating disorder you often have numerous behavioral and emotional signs and symptoms, such as:
  • Eating large amounts of food check!
  • Eating even when you're full check!
  • Eating rapidly during binge episodes
  • Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control check!
  • Eating a lot even though you're not hungry check!
  • Depression check!
  • Anxiety check!
  • Frequent dieting, possibly without weight loss check!
  • Frequently eating alone check!
  • Feeling depressed, disgusted or upset about your eating check!
After a binge, you may try to diet or eat normal meals. But restricting your eating may simply lead to more binge eating, creating a vicious cycle.
I think it may be saying something that I checked all but ONE out of that list...

I don't know if I feel relieved or discouraged. I have an addiction PLUS an eating disorder? I am so confused... (Any insight on this will be helpful.)


No binging today! I did have 1 1/2 slices of cake out of the teacher's lounge, but I savored it and it was good! And it didn't send me off the edge. After school got CRAZY because I had to stay late for an unexpected meeting. I ended up stopping for a pizza because we only had about 30 minutes before we had to leave for soccer. We only got 1 pizza, and we all had 2 slices. That's it. Really. The same family that could go through 2 pizzas PLUS breadsticks. And no one complained, and we were all satisfied. And as you can guess... NO WALKING. Damn!!!!!

Today's Food:
Smoothie (w/ 1.5 c. spinach, 1/2 c. blueberries, 3 strawberries, 1 scoop whey protein, 2 tbs. coconut butter)
2 large cups coffee w/ sugar-free creamer
2 chicken fajitas (w/ sour cream, reduced fat cheese, black beans)
diet Mt. Dew
1 c. strawberries
2 slices peperoni pizza
coke zero
1 1/2 slices orange cake
1 bag kettle corn
1 c. strawberries 
small slice of angel food cake
fat-free whipped cream
76 oz. water

 And for tomorrow?

Well... I think I may try to start tracking CALORIES. I have tracked all week so far (yay!), and tonight when I was packing lunches, I decided to go ahead and journal my food. Then I decided to go ahead and fill in all the numbers, since I had all the food packages out. If anything, I am just curious to see what the numbers are... with NO binging. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Peace :)

Ever since I have "come clean" about my struggles with binging, I have went through a lot of emotions. First, I felt guilt, and some depression. I felt like I was letting everyone down - including myself. Then there was this feeling of overwhelming sadness. I just kept asking myself - "Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why can't I stop?"

Yesterday, though - after just making it through ONE day with no binging - not by accident - but because I had made that CHOICE - I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I woke up this morning almost feeling - empowered? For some reason - I just KNEW I was going to have a good day. Even when the scale told me I was back up to 300.4, I just said to myself, "Not for long..." I didn't even let it upset me.

It is 10:08 p.m., and I have all the lunches packed, various papers filled out for tomorrow, and I am ready to call it a night.  Today has been a good day.

Work was pretty quiet. I came home to a brand new heart rate monitor (I ordered it last week...) and a prize that I won on It's Not a Diet, It's a Weigh of Life. It's one of the Yoplait Goddess gift packs. It looks nice, but I have to admit the wrap-around towel made me giggle... I might wrap around one of my thighs! BUT I will put it up in hopes of wearing it one day in the future! I am MOST excited about my heart rate monitor, though. I can't wait to try it out!

I PLANNED on getting a walk in today - but that didn't happen. I had so many errands to run after school today, that I ended up having just enough time to cook dinner by 7 p.m. Then it was dark and I needed to get the kids settled for bed. There is just not enough hours in the day sometimes. And tomorrow afternoon is going to be crazy too - but after 5 p.m. Between 4 p.m. (when I get home) and 5 p.m. (when I have to leave for soccer) I am going to get a walk in if it kills me! The weather is warming back up and I just feel like moving!

Today's food has been good, too. I tried something different today (strawberries, granola, Greek yogurt) and it was really good! I got in my protein smoothie for breakfast, and I can see how it makes all the difference. I drank WAY too much coffee today - I have to get better with that.

smoothie (protein powder, 2 c. spinach, 4 frozen strawberries, 1/2 c. frozen blueberries, 1 tbs flax seed oil, splash of almond milk, 1 c. water)
coffee w/ sugar - free creamer
ham & cheese sandwich on wheat w/ 1.5 sl. turkey bacon
1 pirogi (sp?) 
coke zero
2 chicken fajitas w/ sour cream, reduced fat cheese, and black beans
a few yogurt covered raisins (realized I was grazing and STOPPED eating them)
Greek yogurt w/ strawberries and granola
1 c. grapes
strawberries w/ slice of angel food cake
fat-free whipped cream

I just have to mention two blog posts that I found profound today...

All I have to say is... wow.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Day 1 - update...

I almost NEVER post twice in one day, but I really felt compelled to check back in and report that I did NOT binge today! I felt strong, and made pretty good choices.

I had to stop by the store this afternoon - when you are eating healthy, fresh food you have to stop by the store more often I've found - and I admit that I felt a little urge to buy some pie. I also felt myself wondering if there was still any Easter candy left. But I firmly told myself NO each time. I also think I need to add CAKE to the list of forbidden foods...

I talked to my ex today about how I am feeling, and about the binging. I feel like he understands what I am going through because he also battles addiction. He agrees that if there is food that is causing me to lose control, then I need to avoid that food until I get stronger. There have been times that I know of that he has had to avoid certain areas of town while he is in recovery - just driving down a certain street can make him have the urge to use. It may be silly, but when your sobriety is on the line - you will just find another route to get to where you are going. Right now - I am going down another route!

No exercise today - it's been raining and hail had been pouring down sporadically - and it's suddenly COLD again! WTF??? I think the dreary weather, along with TOM starting is contributing to my depresed mood. I really need to break out my supplements and start taking them again - but that is another GOAL to keep up with, and I don't want to add too much to the GOAL list until I make some of my current GOALS stick.

I tracked ALL OF MY FOOD today:) And I also got in 56 oz of water today - WAY up from what I have been drinking.

I was running late this morning, and didn't get to make my smoothie for breakfast. By 9 a.m. I was STARVING and ended up eating part of my lunch. I ended up going to the cafeteria at around 12:30 and getting some potato wedges because I knew I wasn't going to make it until dinner. Gretta, and maybe someone else suggested more food/protein during the day and I agree that I need to work on that.

Today's food:
Blueberry cereal bar
coffee w/ sugar free creamer
almond butter & sugar free jam sandwhich on whole wheat bread
1 oz. cheddar cheese
1 c. grapes
potato wedges w/ ketchup
chocolate milk
1/2 c. granola
1 pkg crackers w/ pb & honey
3 sl. french toast (made w/egg beaters, almond milk, and wheat bread)
5 sl. turkey bacon 
1/2 c. light maple syrup
1/2 c. strawberries
small slice of angel food cake
fat free whipped cream (from can)
2 - 12 oz coke zero's

Not a perfect day of eating - but much better than yesterday! I have to start planning better -  I forgot I had orientation after work today, so I grabbed granola and the crackers to tide me until dinner. I am having a hard time waking up on time in the mornings again - even though I am getting 7 - 8 hours of sleep! 

Again - thank you all for the encouragement you have given me over the past couple of days. I am so afraid to post things sometimes because I don't want to disappoint my friends on here. But I am glad that I was honest - to you and for me. To truly move forward and beat this - I have to be honest.


Baby steps, right?

Yesterday’s post took a lot out of me. I felt emotionally spent after I posted it, and seriously just wanted to go to the bathroom here at work to cry. Why did writing that make me feel that way? I just didn’t get it.

Thank you for all the comments that were left. So many of you could identify with me, and that made me feel like I wasn’t so alone. But so many of you also said I had taken an important first step. Had I really?

Yes, I think I did.

For the last 3 – 4 weeks, I have felt changes taking place inside my brain. Stepping out of the “diet” mentality is a stretch for me. I have been on one diet or another since I was in 2nd grade, so to suddenly deciding that I was DONE felt like I was doing something wrong. I know that eating healthy and trying to move more is GOOD, but it just didn’t feel like enough. Not having a PLAN other than healthy food, walking, and tracking takes me out of my comfort zone.

I didn’t feel changes on the inside because I had not really changed anything on the inside. I was still sneaking bad food into my body. Whether it’s a visit to the vending machine at work, or a stash of ice cream and Raisinettes at home, I KNOW I am still not being true to my journey. I am allowing my addiction to rule me, and that knowledge f*cks with me, even if no one else knows what I am doing. I hide it because I don’t want to admit that I am a failure. Not even to myself. But I know…

Last night, I made myself write everything I ate for the day in my food journal. Bad or good – my goal is to be accountable, right? After writing everything down, I figured out WHY I always skip writing down the bad days of eating. Because by writing it down, I am ADMITTING that I actually ate all that crap! The proof is in black and white. And it’s ugly.

Because I don’t really have anyone in real life to keep me accountable in this journey – I am going to share what I ate with YOU. (Right now I just got so nervous I think I might get sick… I hate disappointing YOU more than I hate disappointing myself. But I need to do this… I need to be honest. Maybe this is the second step?)

Monday, April 26, 2010

Smoothie (2 c. spinach, 1 scoop protein powder, 1 tbs flaxseed oil, 4 frozen strawberries, ¾ c. frozen blueberries, 1 c. water)
3 – 6 oz. cups of coffee with sugar free creamer
½ c. granola
butter croissant w/ goat cheese and jalepeno jelly
1 oz. reduced fat Monterey Jack cheese
1 c. grapes
1 slice sourdough bread w/ goat cheese spread on top
1 c. bbq shredded chicken
2 slices of sourdough bread
1 tbs. bbq sauce
hot dog bun
beef hot dog
sweet potato fries
large bowl of butter pecan ice cream
1 movie-theatre sized box of raisinettes

Everything in italics is stuff I ate when I got HOME yesterday. I think I started out well, but I failed miserably by the end of the day. Don’t ask me how that sourdough bread and ice cream appeared in my house. Don’t ask me why I chose to have a hot dog AFTER I HAD ALREADY EATEN THE BBQ CHICKEN. I was not hungry. I just WANTED IT. I felt bad, I was depressed, and I was emotional.

Sadly, this is what happens when I face emotional things in my life. I eat my way through the emotions. I numb the pain with food, even when food is causing the pain!

After reading and re-reading my blog post from yesterday, I have made a decision.

The binging has to stop. Now.

I know better, so I must do better.

Lyn wrote a post a while back where she identified a trigger food. Her trigger food is fried potatoes. She has realized that no matter what, she has to avoid fried potatoes. When I read that post, I knew that my trigger foods were candy and donuts. There is just no way I can eat candy or donuts in moderation. No matter how good I am doing on any weight loss plan, one TASTE of candy or donuts can knock me right off track. Hell, even SMELLING donuts in Wal-mart has made me nearly have an in-store meltdown before!

So, when I get home, I am throwing away the “secret” stash of ice cream in my freezer. I publicly SWEAR that I will not buy candy, donuts, or ice cream for an indefinite amount of time. These three foods are officially off limits because they cause me to binge, and I have decided that I am going to try to beat this. Seriously. Honestly. For good.

Yesterday, I publicly listed the REASONS I am fat. But these reasons are not EXCUSES. Yes, I have walked a tough road. I have an addiction to food and past traumas that have led to my obesity. But I now KNOW BETTER. I have the KNOWLEDGE and the ABILITY to change myself. I just have to start BELIEVING in me! I have to believe that I am worth it. That is where I am at today.

I think that I have been taking baby steps that have led me to this point. Over the past few years, I have slowly gained the tools and the knowledge to improve my health. Now I just have to put that knowledge to use, and believe that I am worth the hard work and effort it will take to JUST DO IT.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Reasons why I am fat + Goals update

Reasons why I am fat:

1.    I grew up eating poorly. My childhood diet consisted of Cheetos and Pepsi. No water, no veggies, no balanced meals. It has taken a long time to get to a point where I am today. I STILL don’t like most vegetables, and it is still a challenge for me to eat clean and healthy foods over processed junk.
2.    I started binge-eating when I was very small (maybe 4 -5). Growing up being physically and emotionally abused, I think I used binging as a way to “numb” and “comfort” myself. Curling up with a HUGE bowl of cereal was (and sometimes still is) one of my favorite hobbies. I still struggle with binge-eating. And it still makes me feel like sh*t.
3.    I have poor self-esteem. I never feel 100% about myself or my appearance. I grew up being told that I was second-best. My sister was always the prettiest and the smartest. I was always fat and ugly. I could never do ANYTHING right. Anytime I was complimented on my appearance, it was always in addition to or in spite of being fat… “You are so pretty to be a big girl!” or “You would be so pretty if you lost weight.”
4.    I am too comfortable with my fatness. This is the way I have always been. It (so far) is just a part of who I am. I have NO IDEA what it would be like to be thin. It’s hard to strive to be something that is so unknown to you.
5.    I am lazy. Eating right and exercises are hard work. Sometimes I just can’t get the energy or effort to JUST DO IT. Sitting on the couch is easy.
6.    Deep down, I don’t think I am worth it. Maybe this has to do with the self-esteem issues, but I am always the last person on my priority list. If it’s for my kids, I will do it. But for me? Not so much… 
7.    I have too much on my plate (literally and figuratively, lol). I have three children that I currently raise alone. I work full-time and go to school full-time. All three children play soccer, and I try to allow them to participate in any extracurricular activities they choose. Sometimes there just isn’t enough hours in the day… I am tired.
8.    I love food. I am happy when I can eat what I want. I love having a great meal that tastes wonderful!
9.    I am addicted to food. I use food when I want to get “high”. I use it to celebrate. I use it when I am sad or angry. Sometimes I hate myself because I can’t stop eating when I am supposed to. Why can’t I stop at one portion? Why can’t I stop when I am full? Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I beat this?
10.    I am not consistent. I, admittedly, am guilty of NEVER following through with my weight-loss goals. I can do well for a short time, but I always get distracted and I always get off track. It’s either all or nothing for me. I never feel like I can get past a day that is not 100% on track. One meal, one BITE that’s not on plan means I have FAILED for that day. Mentally, I just can’t get past that.

So what does all this mean? I don’t know. Just typing this out (and I guess the act of being honest with myself) just makes me want to cry. I feel very sad right now. Very defeated.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to weight loss. I just can’t make it “click” this time.

But right now, I am just REALLY trying my best to take small steps and to STICK WITH THEM.



My family and I are still eating healthy food. This weekend went well. I allowed everyone to choose a treat on Friday (which is the day we decided to have “treat day”). The kids were happy with their treat, and I think it is ok to allow them a splurge each week. Like I’ve said before, Rome wasn’t built in a day. As long as we are eating healthy 80% of the time, I think we are making strides. I am still packing lunches, which takes up time but is worth it.

I didn’t walk as much as I would have liked last week… only three days, 105 minutes. The weather has been yucky again. But I will not quit! I will keep working toward my goal and will try to walk every day until it becomes a habit!

I am also still working on tracking my food. I did well Thursday, and didn’t get past breakfast on Friday! Damn!

So far I have tracked everything today. I don’t have the calories written in, but that’s ok. Right now, I am just trying to get into the habit of writing everything down. The calorie-counting part will come later.

So for this week, in addition to making healthy food choices for me and my family I will continue to work on:

1.    Exercise – walking 5 days for at least 30 minutes each time.
2.    Tracking – tracking everything I eat this week.

Even though my mind tells me to add extra goals, I am making myself hold off until I can get a handle on these. I know how I am – I want to do everything NOW. I am impatient. I want everything to be perfect. But I know what that leads to every time – failure. I get overwhelmed, and then I fall off the wagon. I swear I am trying to stop the old patterns.

I don’t care if it takes me YEARS to lose all this weight. I will not quit.

"Do as I say... not as I do"

I am so excited! I have written my first guest post for Mish over at Eating Journey! Yes, I am talking about THE Mish that started the whole EXPOSED movement!

She is doing a series this week highlighting not only stories of people dealing with family and food, but also how their current changes are impacting those around them.

I was HONORED that she contacted me to do this. Go over and check it out!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

It's finally here!

My DietMinder Personal Food & Fitness Journal, that is! I ordered it a couple of week's ago after Prior Fat Girl, Jen, talked about it on her blog. Yes, I know that many of you can journal and track in any kind of notebook. But the NERD in ME likes columns and boxes and stuff like that! I also like a written food tracker, as opposed to an online version.

SO, now... in addition to eating healthy food (or striving to... more on that later) and walking, I will now be tracking my food starting today. Baby steps...  (even though in my messed-up, all or nothing mind I still feel like I need to be doing more, faster...)

I am not setting a calorie limit... yet. Right now, I just want to get in the habit of writing everything down and being accountable for what I am eating. Let me tell you, I have NOT been doing well in the eating department this week. I do well in the mornings, and I do well in the evenings (basically, I do well when the kids are watching me). But while I am at work - not doing well at all. Ugh. Yesterday was better... Today I am hoping that with the tracking I am more aware.


Today is my last day of school for this semester, and I already have everything ready to turn in! Yay! I have officially taken my last on-campus class, so I no longer have to factor that into my already crazy schedule. I will still be taking online classes to finish my Master's (hopefully in December).


Has anyone else noticed the overabundance of perfectly ripe, tasty strawberries?

I have been eating them like crack for the past week!

Guess what else I tried this morning? SPINACH in my smoothie! Most mornings, I make a smoothie for breakfast that has:

1 c. water
1 scoop chocolate whey protein powder
1 c. frozen berries (strawberries or blueberries)
1 tbs. flaxseed oil

This morning, after getting the idea from several blogs, I decided to add spinach. I put two big handfuls (~2 c.) of spinach, 1 scoop protein powder, and 1 tbs. of flaxseed oil w/ 1 c. water and pureed.

I have to admit... this didn't look very appetizing. But after I added 1/2 c. frozen blueberries and 5 frozen strawberries, I got a smoothie that was absolutely delicious! I couldn't taste the spinach at all, and felt really good that I had found a way to sneak 2 servings of veggies into my day!

Did you see what else is in the background? That would be my crockpot!

I have two soccer practices tonight, so instead of rushing to make dinner, I was PROACTIVE and put some frozen chicken breasts and BBQ sauce in the crockpot so I will have BBQ chicken all made and ready to eat when I get home! Score!

I am going to shred it up and serve it sandwich-style with broccoli and sweet potato fries. Hopefully, there will be leftovers for lunch tomorrow.


If you haven't checked it out already, go over to my other blog so you can see how my first week of "operation healthy family" went.


I might come back later with more... I have had a LOT on my mind for the past few days. I had a situation at work (involving my oldest child) on Tuesday that I am having a hard time "letting go". I also had a heated discussion with my not-so-ex husband this morning. Things have been going REALLY well between us, but sometimes his *sshole side creeps out and really p*sses me off! (There, Clyde... now I have officially mentioned you on my blog:))

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Consistency is Key

I have been reading over some of the goals/plans I have devised over the past year to keep me on track. So far, I haven’t been able to stick with any of them (sad, I know).

Something has to change because so far, just having a plan in mind is not working. I never consistently stick with anything. But I think I have recognized a pattern…

I seem to start off too big, too fast. It is my “all or nothing” brain at work. I will have, like, ten things that I want to work on. If I can’t do them all, I quit. It leads to a binge or weeks of bad behavior. Then I make some (more) big goals because I have to make up for the previous f*ck up.  There is definitely a pattern.

In order to be successful at weight loss I desperately need consistency. I have to stick with it.

In my mind, I have decided to walk more. Last week, I walked 130 minutes. This week, I plan on walking more. My goal is to work up to the point where I walk for at least 45 minutes, 5 days per week (225 minutes).
Right now, this is my *only* weight loss goal. Just walking. And do you know what? Until today, I was *not* okay with that. I really felt like I should be doing more. But in my mind, somewhere, I am thinking baby steps, Hollie. One thing at a time until you stick with it! I have to stop feeling like such a failure feel successful at SOMETHING!

Of course, I also have the healthy eating goal, but now that my whole family is on board, that doesn’t seem hard (for whatever reason). Even though it will lead to weight loss, healthy eating just feels like something that I have to do for the health and well-being of my family.

I follow a blog, A Deliberate Life, and Chris has recently crossed the 100 lbs lost mark! Today’s post is titled, What are you good at? It was REALLY what I needed to read today. It basically talked about how she started off small, by just challenging herself to walk, until she reached consistency. Those baby steps have led to bigger steps, and have now led to her losing 100 lbs over 11 months! Amazing, right?

So now, I don’t feel so bad about my “baby step goal” of walking more. Yesterday actually began my third week of walking (but I didn’t actually start tracking the minutes until last week).

As soon as I get my new food journal (which is taking FOREVER to get here), I am going to tackle FOOD. I am going to start counting calories and tracking my food. I am not going to give myself a *limit…yet. The goal is to get CONSISTENT with TRACKING.

Healthy Food Choices – family goal
Walking – goal in progress.
Tracking – next goal, should start this week.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Healthy Hollie... and family

This blog has always been about me... my journey, my struggles, my success...etc.

Last week, I officially brought my family on board. My goal is to start a focus on HEALTH for all of us. I want my entire family to eat healthy food and become more active. Yes, I still want to lose weight, but I want to lose weight by adopting healthy habits, and including my children in the process.

I have been inspired to start a new that will chronicle my FAMILY journey to health. It's called Healthy Hollie - and family!  I will write mostly about me and my kids, and the move to embrace health in our family, one day at a time.

Why not write about it here, on this blog?

Well, I guess I am a little selfish. has always been about me and MY struggles. I kinda wanna leave it like that! Besides, this is my blog about WEIGHT LOSS. Althought transforming into a healthy lifestyle will most likely lead to weight loss, I still have a lot of demons and issues that are weight loss related. I still feel that I need a forum to write about these things, and I will continue to do that HERE.

Over the weekend it really hit me that losing weight for ME and adopting a healthy lifestyle for my FAMILY are both connected and seperate at the same time. Both are absolutely necessary journey's though... I am excited to see what the future brings.

So if you will... check out and tell me what you think!

I will be back later with a post I have been wanting to write for a while about one of my triggers... and how I plan on dealing with it.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Active Weekend!

How, it's amazing how your perspective changes when you are not only trying to transform your life to be fit and active, but trying to influence your children as well... This weekend, knowing I had three little sets of eyes watching me made all the difference!

Saturday is soccer day at my house. All three children are playing soccer this year, and I spend about 5 - 6 hours on the soccer field on Saturdays. This week, I packed healthy snacks and waters to take with us so that we wouldn't have to eat from the concession area. It was a great idea, and my kiddos didn't even want the usual chips and candy they eat when we are there. All three kids played great games, and I was pleased to know they'd all ate a healthy breakfast before-hand. Scrambled eggs and whole wheat toast was basically our breakfast. I had spinach in my eggs, and both Samaya and I sprinkled a little reduced fat cheese on ours. I had a 100-cal English muffin with mine instead of toast.

Brooke's bff from TX was in town, so we went to her house to grill out and have a little party. It was FOOD FOOD and more food. I ate the food, but it was good. The best part was homemade strawberry shortcake made with fresh strawberries. O...M...G... The strawberries around here are like CRACK this year... I can't seem to get enough of them.

Today, I decided a little bit of housecleaning was in order. Since my oldest child was nice enough to clean up the ENTIRE house on Friday night, we concentrated on the backyard. My patio has been a graveyard for old bikes and broken toys since last summer. In our city, for the month of April, if you put any junk out by the curb they will come by and pick it up on Monday morning. So I knew this was the perfect opportunity to get the junk off the patio. It was a family affair, and everyone helped out. We also washed the car, which was filthy!
We cleaned off the patio chairs and now we have a liveable space again!
Something else totally out of the ordinary happened... my oldest daughter volunteered to help me weed the flower beds! They are completely out of hand, and I feel totally overwhelmed at the prospect of tackling the weeds. I just don't have the money to invest in something to spray on them, because there are just too many areas needing to be done!
Not only did she start weeding this bed for me, but she picked up some more trash around the yard and cleaned the inside windows in the car! I was so happy to see all the kids outside playing today. I got dinner cooked and now we are about to start getting ready for baths and the whole preparing for school thing.

It was a good weekend - very active and hopefully the start of many more like it! The weather is just too beautiful to stay in the house watching tv and playing video games!

Speaking of beautiful... look at my first rose of the season!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Revising my goals...

Have any of you ever read Fed Up With Lunch: The School Lunch Project? It is a blog that I stumbled across yesterday and I LOVE it. The woman who writes the blog has vowed to eat school lunch where she works every day this year.

Today’s entry is a Q&A with a real “lunch lady” who wrote in and volunteered to answer questions from a first person perspective. It is SO insightful – and pretty much sums up what I already thought was happening behind the scenes. I work at a school, and I don’t blame the workers for the crappy food. I blame the powers-that-be.

My own school lunch project is going GREAT! My kids were very happy with their lunches yesterday, and wanted to make sure they still got to take their lunch today. I reminded them we were going to do this EVERY DAY and they were very happy. Even my oldest raved about how good her salad was and how her friends say they are going to start bringing their lunch, too. She loves being the trend-setter!

Last night I had two soccer practices AND had to mow the lawn. I was cutting it close on time after doing the yard work, so I knew I wouldn’t have time to grill the tilapia I had partially thawed. I threw the fish in the refrigerator so we could have that tonight, and instead I packed us a picnic dinner to take to soccer practice! Last week’s Hollie would have driven through the drive-through, but not the new and improved Hollie!

I made turkey and cheese sandwiches on whole-grain bread (the only kind I ever use). I had a few individual bags of chips leftover from our vacation that I threw in for convenience (and to get rid of them). I dug out my mini-cooler and filled it with ice and bottles of water. Oh, and I also brought along a container of grapes. The two oldest ate their food while I was practicing soccer with the baby and her team… then when my son practiced me and the baby ate our dinner. It worked out perfect!

Mowing the lawn is such a workout, I didn’t do my walk during practice yesterday. I was just so wore out. All I could think about when I got home was a hot shower and my bed! But I got our lunches packed, first, since that now has to be my routine. I have to admit… I do love the way our lunch bags look lined up in the ‘fridge when I am done! And getting the work done at night also gives me time to THINK about what I am putting in there. I really try to balance the protein, fat, and carbs.

For the past week I have been concentrating on getting out of the “diet” mindset, and get into more healthy patterns of eating. The food I am eating is DEFINITELY healthy, and I feel like I am making good choices. But there are certainly a few things that still need to be worked on.

One is tracking. I ordered a food journal off Amazon (because I can usually stick to written journals better than online journals). Hopefully, it will be here today or tomorrow, and even if it isn’t, my plan is to start tracking this weekend. I know I am eating A LOT more than I need to – even if it is healthy food. Tracking will hopefully make me more aware, and will also help me with the second thing I want to work on, which is…

Portion control! Oh, yeah… I definitely have portion distortion. I am they type that needs to measure everything to get it right. But I have the tools (including a new digital food scale)! Tracking and measuring will definitely help me get to wear I need to be.

Because I am not on a diet, I am not restricting myself to a certain number of calories. Right now, I just want to see what the numbers are, and if tracking alone can start helping me cut back and make better choices. I am starting slow – trying to do the things that I know will help me for a lifetime. I also want to be accountable.

Last goal to work on this weekend is to get my WATER drinking back to where it needs to be. I am either drowning in water or dehydrated... what's up with that?
I am also going to start trying something else new… but I will talk more about that later! (No, it’s NOT another diet!)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution - How to Make Nuggets

This video says it all...

I made my kids watch this video, too. I think I have officially changed their minds about chicken nuggets...

What is amazing, though, is these kids STILL wanted to eat the damned nuggets! SMH...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


Tomorrow is a big day in our house... the day that we say NO MORE SCHOOL LUNCHES.

I can't consciously do it anymore. If HEALTH is going to be the new focus for me and our family, and if I am going to start making healthy changes... my kids need to be on board, too!

When I approached them yesterday about packing HEALTHY lunches instead of eating school lunch, my two youngest children were thrilled! My oldest was indifferent, probably because she tends to eat (and like) more junk than the other two. But she is also my child with a weight problem, so she really has no choice in the matter. This is what is best for her.

So this morning they all wanted to take their lunch, but I realized I didn't really have anything that was "lunch-box ready". This afternoon we went to the grocery, and I made it a family affair.

We went up and down the aisles, and I asked the kids to give me ideas of healthy food they would like to have. We bought:

baby carrots
natural peanut butter
string cheese

There was a few other things that I forget, plus some staples like whole wheat bread. I already had stuff like sliced turkey. And I figure I can start making more meat at dinner so we can all have leftovers some nights, too. (Any lunchbox suggestions are welcome!)

My kids were so excited to dig out their lunch boxes. The younger ones kept coming in to check on me while I was packing their lunches so they could see what they were getting. It really made me excited, too!

So, right now, in the 'fridge, there are four lunch bags packed and ready to go!

I realized while I was doing this that now that I have committed to preparing my kids lunches for school, I have NO EXCUSE not to fix mine, too! By helping my kids, I am also helping myself! And I can also start practicing what I preach to my oldest daughter, and hopefully help her get on track. She is only 12, and I will not give up on her. I don't think it's too late to start helping her make good decisions about food. Look at me... I am 33 and I have done a 180 degree turn-a-round in just the past year!

When I was on Weight Watchers, I LIVED OFF processed food. One year ago, I started to learn more about clean eating and have totally transformed. I no longer eat processed food. Ever. I had also given up sugar and caffeine... but I let that creep back in. But even during my "off periods", you can't find frozen dinners, FiberOne bars, and other "low calorie" stuff in my cupboards. I still stick to my "shop the perimeter of the store" rule. Sadly, the only time I buy stuff that is processed is for my kids to eat! I am so guilty of buying them chicken nuggets and frozen pizzas for quick meals. NO MORE!

And I am also vowing to stop the fast food. What good does it do to not bring sh*t into the house to eat if I am driving through McDonald's and buying pizza all the time? I can't very well brag about not buying junk for groceries when I am smuggling in the bad stuff in other ways.

One other thing... the binging has to STOP. My children know I am a binge-eater, and I have to stop allowing them to watch that happen. Would I allow my children to watch me smoke dope? NO. But when I come home with a dozen donuts and a bag full of chocolate - they know it's on! My little one calls it "treat time". That is the only time junk like that comes in the house. I don't want them to expect that pattern. Healthy eating... binge... healthy eating... binge... I want my kids to start expecting treats that have NOTHING to do with food.

I can feel some REAL CHANGES happening for us, and for me. It will take time, I know. But the time is NOW.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Never never never give up!

First things first… I want to address a comment I got on yesterday’s blog by mbm1forever:

“I do agree with you, Hollie in theory, but it almost sounds like you are giving up on yourself in some ways. By that I mean the hard look that we must take at ourselves on a daily basis when we are overweight. I don't want you to feel bad about yourself and with that I agree. I do wonder though if you aren't letting go of your accountability to yourself. I do not say this to anger or to judge, it is just what strikes me about your blog.”

Let me be clear. By deciding to NOT be on a diet anymore, and by breaking the diet/binge cycle, I am NOT giving up on myself. If anything, I am even more adamant about succeeding on this journey I am on. Over the past few days, I have so much more peace about food and am making better choices. The scale even tells me I’ve lost weight!

A diet doesn’t have to be the only way I get accountability. Counting calories and points, or eating certain food might do it for some people. But it is NOT working for me. And please be certain that I am still holding myself accountable. See, when the DIET part is over, we still have to be able to hold ourselves accountable. That is why so many people regain their weight after being on a DIET. They have allowed that diet to be their accountability, and after they are done with the diet, they go back to old ways. I want to eat well and exercise FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Way beyond meeting whatever weight loss goal I have. I want health… not just weight loss.

I am just trying to get to a place where I can get rid of the “all or nothing” mentality. Eating piece of bread does not mean I am a failure as a person (which is how I was feeling), and should not cause me to throw in the towel and begin a binge. I have to get my mind right – and get back to a place where health is a bigger priority than fast weight loss. If I can incorporate healthy habits into my daily LIFE, for the rest of my life, I believe the weight loss will happen.

I was binge-free yesterday (Day 2!) and felt really good about my food intake. We had a super-healthy dinner last night before soccer (grilled chicken, baked sweet potato fries, and broccoli w/ fat-free shredded cheese melted on top). I told my kiddos not to expect McDonald’s or pizza for dinner any time soon. It’s way past time for us to get back to healthy eating in our house. I was so proud of my baby for eating all her broccoli, therefore encouraging the two older kids to eat theirs, too. She even asked for seconds! And then later, after soccer, she grabbed a yogurt cup for a snack.

See, when I don’t keep sugary, fattening snacks in the house – my kids don’t eat them! They are used to not having any of that stuff around, so they don’t even really care. They would just assume have pretzels or an apple or yogurt. But when I am on a binge, and buying donuts, cookies, chips, and candy – guess what? My kids eat it right along with me. But what is that teaching them? Bad behavior with food – and that’s the last thing I want to teach them. Reason NUMBER ONE why I have to get this under control. My kids deserve so much more than that.

I also realize that I am going to need to start packing their lunches every day. Because of the new emphasis on school lunches because of Jamie Oliver’s new Food Revolution show, I am now ready to start taking on this change, too. I have known for a while that our school lunches SUCK. But since all three of my kids get free breakfast and lunch at school, and because packing lunches takes even MORE planning and preparation time, I just roll with it. But since being healthy is now a FAMILY priority – its something I am going to have to address. As you can see below (hope it's not too small to read)… the menu is full of fattening, processed foods. Honey buns and funnel cakes for breakfast? Are you kidding me?

Yesterday I walked for over 30 minutes, and it was one of the WORST walks I’ve had in a while! My left knee hurt, my right foot hurt, and it just sucked! But I kept going (slowly) around the track while my oldest had soccer practice. The two younger kids played on the playground, so it was all good. My middle child has practice tonight at a different field, but there is still a track that I plan to walk on. I bought some new shoes to walk in the other day, so I am going to try those to see if it makes it any better.

No, I am definitely NOT giving up. Not on my health, not on losing weight, and not on myself.

BTW… does anyone use the Nike+ system? I am thinking about buying it since all my shoes are Nike+ ready. It is supposed to measure distance and calories. I am also still looking for a reasonably priced heart-rate monitor (that can also count calories). Any and all suggestions are welcome!

Yesterday I got a copy of The End of Overeating by David A. Kessler, MD. It was recommended on one of the blogs I read (I forgot which one), so I ordered it off Amazon last week. I read through the first few chapters after my walk last night, and I think I am really going to like it. I will let ya’ll know how it goes.


A while back, I was given an opportunity to try out a website, It is a guide to changing habits, and takes you through 42 days with daily emails and exercises. I am doing the program that is supposed to help you with weight loss. Today is day one, and I am supposed to write down all the reasons why I want to lose weight. So here goes!

Why do I want to lose weight?

1. I want to be healthy.
2. To set a good example for my children.
3. So I can shop in the “regular” section of the store.
4. To feel sexy.
5. So I don’t get out of breath when walking up stairs.
6. It will boost my self-esteem and confidence.
7. I don’t want to get diabetes and high blood pressure like my mom.
8. I don’t want my knees and feet to hurt when I walk.
9. I want to be able to run a mile.
10. I want to learn to roller-blade and swim.
11. I want to be active with my children.
12. So that men will drool when I walk by.
13. So my thighs won’t rub together when I walk.
14. If I can meet my weight loss goal, I will know I can do anything!
15. I am worth it.

Disclaimer... has allowed me to try their program for free and in exchange I will post my opinion, bad or good.

Monday, April 12, 2010


I am still loving Google reader – and I read a two blogs since yesterday that I wanted to share pieces of, since what these ladies say basically sums up how I feel right now.

The first one is by Christie at Honoring Health. She says…

Ok, so once again the vicious diet and binge cycle has gotten to me. I’m giving intuitive eating another go. I have dieted my way to about 30 lbs heavier than I was just a year and a half ago. At this rate, I’ll be back to where I started in no time. So, here I go again.

I’m working on accepting that maybe I’m not meant to be a size 6 and that maybe finding peace with who I am today is more important. I don’t like being fat but I don’t like the process of binging, beating myself up, dieting, binging and then beating myself up even more. Quite frankly, it sucks.”

She took the words right out of my mouth!

The second post is on Mary’s blog, but is a guest post from Mara.

“I have been stuffing my face this week. Literally, stuffing my face. If you were on the outside watching me through a window you would think that I had been locked in a closet for three weeks and deprived of food. Now, I do not look like the type of person who has been deprived of food. I look well fed. I pride myself on being the type of person that dresses tastefully, strives to love my body regardless of its size, and works with what I have, wherever on the weight spectrum I may be. I have decided to no longer diet, thereby refusing to engage the restrict/binge cycle that plagued me for most of my upbringing, and am attempting to eat intuitively and regain my ability to trust (and recognize) my body’s instincts, wants, and needs.”

Again… these words totally repeat how I am feeling right now. I am done with dieting. No more.

I have (as of yesterday) started the process of getting my sh*t together. I NEED to learn how to love me for who I am NOW. Not when I’ve lost weight, or am in the perfect relationship, or when I have finished my education and have my dream job. Loving Hollie needs to start now. Being overweight does not need to define who I am.

I feel like I have just let myself go. I am so unhappy with ME at this point in my life. And the unhappiness stems from not being in control of my health and well-being. I am completely overwhelmed with LIFE right now. Being a single mom sucks. Being broke while trying to be a single mom sucks. Then add dieting and feeling like a failure when I just can’t seem to get it together. On top of it all, my house is so unorganized and cluttered (since we’ve outgrown the space) that I have just buried my head in the sand and refuse to address it. I feel like I am spiraling out of control. But it ends NOW.

Have you read Jack Sh*t’s blog today? It says:

This is a very good day to turn your life around…

Yes, Jack it is!

Yesterday was the first time in several weeks that I did not binge. I stayed in control, ate healthy, clean food, and even exercised! That CONTROL felt great. And it also felt great to go to bed with no heartburn, knowing that I made good choices.

At the beginning of this year, I had a great approach to weight loss. I outlined it in my blog, but here it is again:

1. Get back on my supplement program and don't miss a dose!!!
2. Start drinking at least 100 oz. of water per day.
3. Eliminate sugar from my diet.
4. Start eliminating caffeine from my diet.
5. Eat clean - no processed foods and organic whenever possible.
6. 30 - 45 minutes of exercise at least 5 times per week.
7. Plan and prepare!!!!

That seemed like a good plan! Why did I get distracted? Why didn’t I stay on this path? It’s not that hard… well all except for #7…

So from this day forward, no diets. I will follow the seven guidelines mentioned above. Some days will be better than others, but I will no longer beat myself up and consider myself a failure if I am not 100% perfect. I will no longer let numbers on a scale dictate my success as a person.

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now… but this is ONE thing I can be certain of. It is time for me to ACCEPT myself, my weight, and my body exactly like it is. My focus is on health, and transferring healthy habits to my children. It’s all about them anyway… everything I do. I have to set the example for them. If I don’t, no one else will. They are worth it. So am I.


Stop by Shelley’s blog to congratulate her on her first biathlon! She rocks!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The BLOGS are talkin' to me... a GREAT way. Please check out my updated blogroll. I have been so INSPIRED and MOTIVATED by bloggers over the past several days. I had a list that I wanted to post on here, but it has got a little out of control - so I thought it would just be easier to direct ya'll to the blog roll. I want to thank the blog world right now!

I feel GREAT today. My weekend plans have all been thrown out the window, but I have had so much fun! I planned on cleaning and doing household chores this weekend, but that has NOT happened!

I spent the night with my bestie, Brooke on Friday night and we went out. First time I've been out in a while, and it felt good to get all dressed up and hang out with friends. I had a couple of 'ritas and felt no guilt about it at all!

Saturday = Soccerday. I was on the soccer field with my three kids from 10 a.m. - almost 3 p.m. But it was fun and I am now about 3 shades DARKER, lol. I tan so easily, even with sunscreen. When I got home, I had planned a trip to Trader Joe's, but I was SO exhausted I took a nap instead! When Brooke called and asked if I wanted to come and spend the night AGAIN, only this time at her mom's house (she is house-sitting), I was all for it! Brooke's mom's house is totally cool, and we love to house-sit! It's almost like going on vacations!

So that's where I'm at now. Brooke and I and the kiddos are going to play outside in a bit. I went on a great walk in the sunshine this morning for about 40 minutes. I am still going to go by Trader Joe's before I go back home this evening... I still plan on transforming my cabinets so I have healthy, clean food for next week!

I have been slowly letting go of my guilt for being a diet failure, and am ready to embrace a healthy lifestyle for me and mine. My choices have already been better... but more on that tomorrow!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Let’s get real…

I do not want to be on a diet.

I am done.

Diet failure is doing more damage to my weight loss efforts than NOT being on a diet.

Let me be honest:

The week before I started Medifast I ate TERRIBLY. In my mind, I thought, “I better eat it now before I start my DIET.” I admit, the speed that I was losing weight with Medifast in the beginning made me feel GREAT. But when the scale didn’t move one day, and then crept up the next day, Medifast wasn’t fun anymore. I missed eating REAL food. I craved it and longed for it. When I finally caved in and fell off the wagon, I fell flat on my face. The binge was on again.

In my mind, I knew that since I had so much Medifast food stocked up, I would get back on it. I knew I had a weekend trip coming up last weekend – so I whole-heartedly decided that I would wait until I got back from out of town and then re-start. After hearing from the Medifast nutritionist who offered me another plan with more calories, I was really excited. But in my food-addicted mind, I just can’t get going. The drugs are too good and too powerful to turn away from.

I want to lose weight FAST. I want it to be GONE ASAP so I can look good this summer. Being on Medifast almost guarantees that I can lose weight fast, so that is why I want to make it work. But I have proven that if you go OFF the plan and BACK to bad eating, it will come back on just as fast as you lost it.

This little voice in my head says, “Admit it… Medifast just isn’t for you, Hollie.” But Hollie says, “But I have all of this Medifast food in my kitchen, and I feel like I owe it to the people of Medifast to at least try it again…”.

Bottom line… I don’t want to do it anymore. Over the past four days, I have been miserable just thinking about it! I feel like such a failure.

I have discovered Google Reader, which makes blog reading super easy! I have been reading so many blogs every day, and I read about people who are losing weight and are so happy. They are working out and eating filling, healthy food. They are not starving, and they are not miserable. But one thing they all have in common… they are committed.

Where is my commitment?

In this journey, I refuse to give up. But exactly how committed have I been over the past year?

Well, I had several months where my lifestyle involved a lot of eating out and booze. That’s when the scale started creeping up. But do you know when the scale JUMPED drastically? When I STOPPED drinking and started trying to lose weight fast! The PLANS I had to start this diet or that diet led to binge eating because... oh, well I am going on a diet!

Something has to give. This is NOT working for me.

Over the past few days, I have actually started going in the right direction on a few things… water and exercise. Just since yesterday, the scale dropped 3 lbs. I love to walk, and now that the weather is nice, I know walking will be my main form of exercise. Dawn from Fixing Myself Thinner has a walking challenge starting on Monday and I am in! I really want to get back into the gym to start building some muscle, but I have tossed around the idea of getting some heavier hand weights to have at the house. Or maybe some bands?

Drinking water also makes me feel so much better. I was drinking 100+ oz. per day and then just STOPPED. On Medifast, you are allowed to drink diet soda in moderation, so I started buying it again (after abstaining from diet soda for almost a year). So now guess what I am hooked on again? Diet soda. As of today, I have one more can of soda at home, and a few cans at work. I will not buy anymore. I will start drinking water again because it is good for me, and it helps me lose weight!

Now, I just have to figure out what to do about the food situation. One part of me already knows what I am going to do… I ordered a food journal from Amazon today. It’s just like the one Jen (Prior Fat Girl) had on her blog today.

I have three children – two daughters and one son. My daughters watch my diet habits like a HAWK. I was looking at my 12-year old today and she has gained SO much weight. She is now over 200 lbs. She asked me a month ago if I could start helping her, but at the time I was caught up in Medifast. I am sad right now just thinking about it because I know I need to set a better example for her. And for the baby, who at four years old already talks about losing weight and not being fat. What can I expect – that’s all I talk about!

But what do they see? They see their mom trying diets that make her miserable. They see me binge on candy and donuts. I preach being active, but sit on the couch playing Facebook games every afternoon. I don’t set the example. I tell them to do as I SAY, not as I DO. I have to show these kids how to have a healthy relationship with food. I have to help my daughter get healthy so 20 years from now she won’t struggle with weight like I do.

Mish from Eating Journey tweeted today,

“from this day forward I have decided to put my intuitive self first, I am committed to silencing doubt and acting in a way that honors me.”

This really hit a nerve. I must stop doubting what I can do. I have to start honoring myself. I have to believe I am worth it. I have to do this for me, and I have to do this to set an example for my children.

Sorry this post is all over the place. But these are the rambling, desperate thoughts that are going through my head right now...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Day 1/21 - Almost there!

Today started off strong, and seems like it will end on a good note! I was not on plan as far as eating goes, so I will be starting over tomorrow! I will start over every day until I get it right! I did get in exercise and all my water, and I didn't binge!

Breakfast: 1 egg, 3 egg whites, scrambled in 1 tsp. olive oil w/ ½ cup red/yellow/orange diced peppers and 2 c. baby spinach. Topped w/1/5 oz. fat free shredded cheddar cheese. I made this and ate it after I got to work because I woke up late (around 7:45 a.m.). This was good and filling, but I wasn’t really “feeling” it. I wanted sugar, not veggies.

A.M. snack: 10:45 a.m. – S’mores crunch bar (Medifast, forgot to take a picture)

Lunch: Cinnamon Pretzels (Medifast)

And downhill from there... Let's just say I should have got all the Easter candy out of the house. By the time I got home I was feeling like crap from the detox, and when I saw the candy I attacked it like a maniac, lol. But even though I messed up, I didn't keep going. I had a well-balanced dinner (grilled chicken, green beans, sweet potato fries) after I went on a walk.

I have been reflective about my weight loss journey all day today. I was totally pissed off and motivated by the scale at the same time this morning… 301.2. WTF? I can’t BELIEVE I gained back all of the weight I lost on Medifast, except for 1 lb! That also means I have gained 10 lbs since last Thursday. Ugh. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER going to do this sh*t again! Damn!

But the number depressed me deeply. After I caved and had the candy when I got home, I really wanted to scrap the walk I had planned. See, my baby’s soccer practice was cancelled, so I officially had the afternoon FREE today! I planned to walk for at least 30 minutes, and even though I messed up in the food department, and knew I was going to start my "day 1" again tomorrow, I walked anyway! For 36 minutes. I actually walked to CVS to pick something up - thought it would change things around a little bit. The walk felt good, and made me feel like less of a failure.

I decided to have a healthy dinner, but did elect to eat the rest of the bag of sweet potato fries I had in the freezer (one serving). I got a trash bag out and threw away everything in my kitchen that was tempting in any way! If I was about 50% with it today, I can make it to 100% tomorrow. I know I can. But I have to come off the sugar - I have to eliminate it from my body and my brain if this is ever going to work.

Tomorrow is a new (busy) day. In the morning I have to take the baby to the doctor to get her stitches removed... did I mention she busted her head open while we were out of town Saturday? Yeah... five stitches on her forehead! After work, I have class and after class I have three soccer practices to juggle. That means I can get plenty of exercise. Running around with the baby's team that I co-coach, and then while my son is practicing I plan on walking around the track.


I have a new gadget that I used today that I am also going to use tomorrow. It's an interval timer by Gymboss, but it also has a stopwatch option so I can keep up with the exact time I am walking (which is good when I have to stop a lot or get interrupted by my kids).

Jake at Gymboss sent it to me for free to try out about a month or so ago, but today is the first day I actually used it! I do like it, and I think it would be perfect for someone doing Couch to 5K, or intervals at the gym. I think they are around $20 each, and can be purchased at

Speaking of gadgets, I REALLY want a heart rate monitor. I had one before, but it went crazy when I was near anything electrical or wore my Ipod. I would like one that monitors my heart rate and counts calories. PLEASE... any suggestions are appreciated!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Addicted to Food

What is the difference between addicted to food and addicted to drugs or alcohol? You can completely abstain from drugs and alcohol... but you have to eat to live. How miserable is it when you have to deal with your drug of choice in your face every day. Everywhere you go, it's pushed in your face and readily available. How do you kick the habit, how do you say NO?

My name is Hollie, and I am addicted to food. Food makes me high. It makes me happy when I am sad. It is my friend when I am lonely. It numbs the pain and helps me cope. But it is also my worst enemy. It makes me feel like sh*t. It makes my body hurt and will one day kill me if I don't get a grip. When it comes to food, I am my own worst enemy. How do I draw the line?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. My intention was to start fresh on Monday (yesterday). I was going to challenge myself to have 21 days of sobriety. So what do I do? I binge, binge, and then binge some more. The binge over the weekend was so out of control that I still haven't stopped. I have so much sugar running through my veins I am sick. The though of not having it has driven me to an almost panic attack. What is wrong with me? Will I ever beat this? Will I ever be a winner at the weight loss game?

All I know at this point is that it has to stop. Now. Since there is no magical weight loss clinic or ranch that I can go detox at, I am going to have to put on my big girl panties and do it by myself. I HAVE ALL THE TOOLS. I have a kitchen full of Medifast food, lean meat, and frozen veggies. I have measuring cups, food scales, and every kitchen gadget you can think of. I know how to eat. I KNOW WHAT TO DO. There is no excuse for my behavior. Being depressed, being lonely, being overwhelmed, being broke, being stressed... None of these reasons are excuses for unhealthy eating and binging. I need my ass kicked.

I have been reading blogs today and am so inspired by what I read. People are making goal, making progress, losing weight every day! Something has "clicked" with them, so why can't I put for the effort so it will finally "click" with me? I can, and I will. It will be hard, but I have to face this demon. I have to kick the habit once and for all. But truthfully, I am scared to death. This will not be easy at all. But at this point, failure is not an option.

Today, I am inspired by many of my fellow bloggers:

Debby at Debby Weighs In said, "Just want to say, about all of us, that we are DOING IT! We are on the road. We are not giving up. And everyone knows. That is how you get to the end of the road. Whole. In one piece. Like Celie in ‘The Color Purple’ said, in one of my all time favorite quotes from one of my all time favorite movies, 'I’m poor, black, I might even be ugly, but dear God, I’m here. I’m here.' We might have indulged on Easter. We might have eaten more sweets than could have fit in the Hindenburg, but we are here. We are HERE. And by here, I don’t just mean here in blogland, admitting our mistakes and making new plans to move on."

Chris at A Deliberate Life said, "I started this whole thing at 262.4 lbs. As of this morning, I am sitting at or just below 166. I am 3.6 lbs from 100 lbs lost." WOW!!!!

266 also made her goal yesterday of being UNDER 150 lbs... down from her highest of 266 lbs!

Just check out my blog roll... the motivation and the success stories are there! I know it is possible... people are doing it every day. I just have to believe in myself, that it is finally my turn. I have to want it at all costs. No food is worth dying for, right? This addiction is real, and it will kill me if I don't get a grip on it. No more bullsh*tting.


Tomorrow is day 1... FOR REAL.