Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Feeling "normal"

The past few days have been pretty good as far as eating is concerned... almost back to "normal"... whatever the hell that is. We went to church Sunday for the first time since Easter - and that went well. Some of you know I have issues and reservations about church, but I really think I was meant to be there. You know how it is when you think the preacher is talking about you? Yeah, it was one of those sermons...

Both yesterday and today have been smooth eating days for me. Yesterday I had an unscheduled bowl of cereal before bed and a few Starburst at work, but today has been pretty damned perfect eating-wise. I even made it to the gym YESTERDAY and TODAY, which is huge. Both days I did 45 min on the elliptical and 15 minutes weights. Let me tell you, I can really feel those weights. My arms and legs are so sore... Tomorrow is the true exercise test... I have school Wed and Thurs evenings, so I won't have gym time. My goal is to do a DVD both days before bed. I've even been toying with the idea of {{{waking up early}}}...

My daughter is hating me so bad right now on all fronts. First, I put her on a diet. She complained of being hungry yesterday, so I added flaxseed oil and protein this morning and she said she felt much better. She also turned down a Little Debbie Nutty Bar that my mother tried to give her in exchange for a little pack of peanut butter crackers for an after school snack today. See, I'm still struggling with preparedness and time issues, so I forgot we had parent-teacher conferences right after school and didn't have a snack ready for her. She was so proud to announce that she turned down the Nutty bar in favor of the crackers, and I really praised her for making the better choice. I know both snacks aren't ideal, but the fact she TRIED to make a good choice is what I'm aiming for. She's mad at me now because I am putting her in tutoring - she can get over THAT one, too.

Sunday for church, I dug out an old dress that I haven't wore in over two years. I wore it to my college graduaton in May 2007 and havent touched it since because it was too tight. I remember wearing two girdles with this dress, and the circulation being cut off to my thighs during the two hour comencement ceremony. Then the long distance to and front of the car with thighs rubbing was murder. I was miserable. Here are some pics from that day...

So, I pulled this same dress out on Sunday and it was hanging off me... with no girdle. Sometimes I get down because I've only lost about 60 lbs, and have been stuck here for a while. But at least I'm not there anymore - more than 330 lbs and miserable in my skin and my clothes. Here is a picture from Sunday. This is definitely not perfection, but I'm getting there.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


This morning I had to have a "come to Jesus" with my daughter, but it was also for me. I decided to go to church this morning, and when my daughter was trying on clothes to wear, NOTHING fit. Nothing. All of her clothes for church from last winter were too small. These are all size L or 12 misses clothing... The last time she weighed, she weighed about 180 lbs. My daughter is 12 and 5'7". Last week one of her polos for school was too small - and it was a size XL (from Aeropostale so I know it runs small, but still).

I told her that getting on the wagon and taking control of her weight was no longer something whe had an OPTION of doing with me. When I slack, it opens the door for her to do the same thing. I know I have to lose weight for my own health and happiness, but I also have to do it for my daughter. She sees nothing wrong with her weight, because all of the kids at her school who she is friends with are just as big, or BIGGER. Now-a-days its the NORM for children to be overweight. NO WONDER! At my kids' schools, they serve stuff like honey buns and funnel cakes for BREAKFAST, and their lunches aren't much better.

SO I told her that we are going to start out with her drinking at least 8 cups of water each day, and that she is also going to stop eating at school. She can eat breakfaast with me, and I can back both of our lunches for school everyday. Needless to say, she has been moody and pissy all day about this. But over and over I told her that she is not FAT, but that she needs to start making healthy choices and improve her eating habits for LIFE. I also told her that took responsibility for her having these habits, and that I know I need to set a better example.

This weekend has been good. Something changed on Friday, and it was like all the cobwebs and clouds in my mind disappeared. I had a good night Saturday night, and returned home yesterday to a clean house (thanks to my niece). And I have felt pretty good both yesterday AND today, and I'm trying to keep the momentum going. I already know a lot of it has to do with improving my eating and re-starting my supplements. I also got some really good advice and inspiration Thursday night from a close friend, and also from a blog I read....

"When you’re down in a dark hole gripping tightly to a shovel, there’s an illogical, unreasonable temptation to dig, even though digging can’t get you back to safety and can only make a perilous predicament even worse. Now’s the time for you to set aside the spade, take a deep, cleansing breath and start making that long climb back into the sunshine. Climbing is hard work, to be sure, but you know what? So is digging."

I read this on Jack Sh*t's blog the other day, and it was like an alarm went off in my head. It's time for me to stop digging, and to start CLIMBING!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm trying...

Well, I think today was a little better. I seem to be able to "fake it till I make it" until I get home. Then it just goes downhill. My house is a disaster, and I have no drive or energy to get it cleaned up. It's just a mess, and I feel overwhelmed. I am unhappy here... and I know that's why I never want to stay here anymore. The more I'm at home, the worse it gets. But I really don't have any choices in that area right now.

I started taking my supplements again today, and added Vitamin D. Someone commented the other day on here about how that might help, so I've been researching it for the past few days.

"Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, is a situational mood disorder brought on by decreasing daylight in the winter months. High doses of vitamin D during these months have proven to be a very effective natural remedy for SAD, leading most practitioners to believe that normal neurotransmitter function depends in part on adequate vitamin D synthesis."

I also read where African-American women in my age bracket are also more likely to have vitaman D deficiencies - largely due to the fact we have more melanin in our skin plus some other factors. I figure that adding a supplement can't hurt... I know that when I was taking my supplements faithfully this spring, I saw a lot of weight loss and felt GREAT.

I am not planning on taking the antidepressant I've been prescribed anymore. I HATE the way I feel in the mornings, and don't need anything else sapping my energy and making me feel tired. I might even try to investigate a supplement for that, too. Anyone have ideas on St. John's Wort? Exercise is a huge mood booster for me, but my gym hours suck! 6 a.m. - 9 a.m. is not working for me. I'd love to be able to get up early and get to the gym by 5 a.m., or even go at night after the kids go to bed. DVD's and exercising at home require motivation to get my ass up off the couch... I don't have that. Plus, being that I don't like being home in the first place... you see where I'm getting at?

The crazy thing is that I KNOW that when I put good stuff in my body, that my body reacts in a GREAT way. Why the hell can't I just get it together? Why can't I hold it together when I get home everyday? Maybe its because I am so isolated here? I live 40 minutes from all my friends and people that I'm close to. And that sucks. I think when my lease is up I am going to move. I can't go and simply hang out or have girl time. I feel stuck in this small town. Like I said, my gym hours suck and the next closes gym is 30 minutes away - not convenient at all. If I were in Nashville, I'd have my pick of gyms that are both close and affordable.

OK...tomorrow is another new day. I will not give up, and I will keep on trying to pull this together!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Facing the Facts

I am depressed.

I think I've been fighting it for a while. Using friends, attention, and alcohol as distractions. But for the past couple of weeks, I can just feel my "positive" slowly fading away... and it feels really dark right now. Although I know I have friends, co-workers, and my wonderful children behind me... I feel very alone.

I went to the dr. last week and he gave me an antidpressant that is supposed to also help me sleep. But I don't think I like the way it makes me feel... Yeah, I'm sleeping great. But so groggy when I wake up. I tried taking it earlier in the afternoon, but then I'm useless for the rest of the day. No energy... AND, I feel like I can't get full. I'm constantly hungry. Apparently, that is one of the side-effects.

So, in my mind I know what I need to do. And as of today, I think I have the tools to do it. I have been trying to eat right, but today I just FAILED miserably. I am sitting here typing, and so miserably full that I want to go puke. Tomorrow is a new day, and all I know to do is to just go to bed, end this day, and start over tomorrow. I just know that I hate the way I feel right now - physically and mentally.

I want to be happy, I want to lose weight, and I want to achieve my goals and be successful. Now, I just need to dig deep and find the drive I need to move forward.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009


OK, so yesterday I mentioned that I had a small epiphany this weekend. I think the realization has really helped me get back on the right road. Yesterday and today have been better as far as eating, but not perfect. But I am also in a funk of sorts - I think I am pouting because I still wanna go out and pretend I'm in my 20's instead of my 30's. And I really want a cigarette...ugh.

Saturday a friend/co-worker had a yard sale. We went to Weight Watchers together, and last fall I gave her a ton of size 18 winter clothes that I couldn't wear. There is a lot of history behind these clothes for me. I bought these clothes in late 2004, early 2005 when I had lost 100 lbs. I was in a size 18 for the first time since I was in 8th grade (at the time I was about 28). It was also my first experience with shopping in "regular" stores. As far as my appearance, I was so confident. I looked good, and I felt good. My lowest weight was 239 lbs.

It was not long after that that I reconciled with my now-ex-husband, and got pregnant with my 3-year old. I went from 239 lbs to 281 when I gave birth. Not too bad...considering I was on bedrest for 20 weeks, flat on my back. BUT after I had the baby, I didn't lose weight. I gained. And gained. And gained. Until I had gained all the weight back, plus some. My marriage started going BACK downhill as soon as I got pregnant, and at the same time I decided to finish my bachelor's degree. Honestly, I didn't even try NOT to gain. I was just oblivious to ME for a long time. I lost sight not only to my weight struggle, but to everything concerning me.

Ok, so back to these clothes... All of my "skinny" clothes hung in my closet for a long time. I mentally could not pack them away, because the failure of re-gaining all the weight I'd lost was just too much for me to accept. I finally gave a way a bunch of clothes to a relative, then packed away the rest. When I met this friend at WW and then started working with her, I was happy to offer them to her. She had lost a TON of weight and was just entering that size. At the time I was 300+ lbs, and even though I was on WW, I had no realistic plans to ever where those clothes again for quite some time. It just seemed so out of reach.

So on Saturday when I was offered these clothes back, I was too happy to get them. Since my friend is moving out of state when she gets married, she is selling her house and getting rid of everything. She told me that since I had lost so much weight, and since she couldn't wear the clothes anymore, I could come pick them up during the sale. When I got home, I felt like a kid on Christmas. All the clothes were there, perfectly folded, and in the same like-new condition. I stripped down to my underwear and started trying some of the things on - just to see how far I had to go. Guess what... I don't have far at all!

I was FLOORED. I totally didn't realize how close I was to being back to my pre-pregnancy size. All of the pants could pull up and **almost** button. Some of the shirts even fit now! I'd say 20 - 25 pounds is all I need to lose to comfortably wear these clothes. In the grand scheme of things, that's not that bad at all! Hell, if I get my ass in gear, I might even be able to wear this stuff by New Years. New Years! That's not long at all! Oh, man. I am so close and I didn't even know it!

So with this new incentive, I am ready to get off this plateau and start moving in the right direction. Granted, I am thankful for the plateau because it could have easily been a gain with the madness I've had going on for the past several months. But I am ready to start being a loser again. I am ready to feel good about my habits like I used to. In two days I have been going to sleep at a decent time, and I have also been drinking water and eating better. I am going to start taking my supplements again, too, and then starting next week I am going to get back into some sort of exercise routine. TOM will be gone by then, and I'll be ready (I'm just not feeling it right now). But overall, I am feeling focused and feel convicted about losing weight again.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Bad habits...

I need my ass kicked for letting almost a month go by with no blogging! WTH! I mean, I THINK about it all the time... just don't make the time. But lately, I really haven't been MAKING the time to do anything toward losing weight. Thank goodness I've pretty much maintained. I don't know a number because I'm scared of the scale right now. I've pretty much been on a binge-fest for days. Add that with TOM and ... well, no scale.

I have let bad habits take over. Not so much food-related bad habits, but other vices that are not good for me. Alcohol being one of them. And smoking. And partying... a lot. Honestly, I have just lost my mind. Maybe its a defense mechanism....? Things got so bad I just decided to go somewhere else... a happy place, if you will. I surrounded myself with friends who were more than willing to party with me (and pay for it). My kids were happy and taken care of - so why say no? Not when saying YES is so much fun! Right?

Well... I'm not ready to totally admit the err of my ways. But I will admit that too much of anything is just that - to damned much! My body basically feels like shit. The alcohol+cigarettes+no sleep+no water+bad food=not a good combo for weight loss. The only reason I don't think I've gained a ton is that I have constantly been on the move for about 4 weeks. We just got off of a two week fall break that was busy, busy, busy. So I didn't have a chance to sit around and eat a lot - and after drinking all night I really don't feel like eating until after at least noon. (can you tell I'm being honest here?)

I guess I need a dose of honesty right now - for myself. Once I started being honest with myself, I knew it was time to slow my ass down. So, over the past few days I've been trying to move in the right direction. I've stopped smoking (don't know why I started - I only smoke when I drink). I cut my alcohol consumption to only 2 days last week. And today, on my first day back at work, I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch. AND drank water. Something happened last week that made it all so clear to me. I know what I need to do.

I'll save that epiphany for another post!