Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Can you define "normal"?

First off, I want to thank all of you for the prayers and nice comments that you have left me over the past several weeks. I have always received so much encouragement and support on this blog - I think it's just amazing. LIFE has calmed down just a bit... I still have a crazy ex on the loose. I am still broke. And I am still struggling with being a single mom. BUT, at this point I choose to focus on the positive. We are safe, and we continue to be blessed. Yeah, I did think I was going to lose my mind for a while, but I didn't - just some of it!

At one point over this weekend, I decided that I felt really good and was back to my "happy place". Even with all the madness around me, I have this "happy place" I crawl into, where I don't worry about tomorrow, and I don't worry about the past. In that place, I only live for the moment. And at that moment, I was happy. I was at my best friends house, surrounded by laughter and positive people. I decided that I just couldn't dwell on things that are out of my hands. Of course, I knew this already. But I guess I just needed a reminder...

This is my 2nd day back on plan. I decided on Sunday that I couldn't keep eating like sh*t anymore. Yeah, its quick and easy. Yeah, it tastes good. But the stomach bloat I was feeling was uncomfortable. The muffin top over my jeans didn't look so good. And did I see the double chin creeping back on? Oh NO! So I woke up yesterday and decided to eat healthy, one meal at a time. I decided that I would eat clean, balance my meals, drink lots of water, and go to the gym. And guess what? I did it!

This morning when I woke up my damned truck wouldn't start. It was pouring down rain, and I had no one to call for help. Thank GOD for nice neighbors who gave us a ride to school. So, staying focused on eating at school was a struggle, because I was having a bad day, right? But somehow, I made it through. I got a ride home, but had no way to go to the gym. So I mowed my lawn and got a great workout. It's been raining like a dog here in TN for the past week or so, so the grass was thick and damp - hard to push mow. By the time I got finished I was SO tired, but tired in a "burned a lot of calories" way.

Normally, I have class on Wed and Thurs night, so I can't go to the gym. But guess what? Class got cancelled this week, so I plan on hitting the gym tomorrow after school. My gym bag is already packed from this morning. I can already tell a difference in how I feel. I still have bloat, but it's also TOM so I blame him for that. I am optimistic that I can have another good day tomorrow. I know I CAN do it. I just have to WANT it bad enough to focus and JUST DO IT. No matter what happens, I need to do this for me.

Oh, and the scale obviously knew that I needed some help - I've only gained 3.6 lbs! I got on and off several times to make sure - I was sure that number was closer to 10 lbs! And I would have deserved it - every pound! But now that I don't have so much back-tracking to worry about, I can concentrate on moving forward. I want to be 260 lbs by November 7 (TSU's homecoming). Jess and I are making plans to join in the festivities, and I want to look good! Now that I have a goal in mind, it's time to put in the work to achieve it!

BTW - I do miss you guys so much! I have a lot of catching up to do. I can't promise to blog daily since I can't blog from work anymore, but I promise to not go weeks at time anymore. I also got a new cell phone, and plan on using Twitter a lot more. If you Twit, follow me!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Really quick...

I just wanted to quickly post to explain why I've been MIA. My stress and problems have ballooned to the point where I am overwhelmed. My ex has been causing a lot of problems, to where I may have to move again so he can't bother me and my children. The problems have escalated over the past two weeks, to where yesterday I came home from work to find that he had broke in my house and stolen everything of value. I am trying to get the police to assist me, but they treat me like crap and won't help me. FINALLY today I got the powers-that-be to give me an order of protection.

So basically my children and I have been bouncing around like we are on the underground railroad. I keep waiting and waiting for things to get better, but it seems like they keep getting worse.

I think about all of my "blog friends" all the time, but even with a laptop I do not always have internet access. And now they have a new rule at school that we can not use the Internet to get online for personal stuff, or we might get fired. That means no blogging from work, either.

I promise to try to get it together by next week. I have not gain or lost, so I guess that's good. Somedays I feel like I wanna eat all day, but then some days I don't want to eat at all.

I'm literally falling asleep as I type...