Thursday, August 27, 2009

Day 2 - Feeling snacky...

Yesterday went well. I stayed on point, even though I did end up eating more calories than I should have. At the end of the night I was hungry and ate a bowl of cereal that was MUCH too big. But I measured it out so I could account for it. I ended the day with about 1800 calories and 135 ounces of water. I was unprepared for my evening class food-wise, so I rushed home and made a sandwich to take with me so I wouldn't be starved and tempted to eat something bad. I think that's why I was so hungry at bedtime. Next Wednesday I will be better prepared. And my class time got bumped from 4:30 to 5 p.m., so I'll have more time to go home and get something good.

Today has been good so far. I found a website that I really like to log my food with. I'm sure you all have heard of it... I actually found it by accident. I was trying to look up NI for my fruit today, and found a website called The Daily Plate. I guess these two sites are linked, because on Livestrong you can log all your NI and exercise using the Daily Plate's database. I really like it because it has EVERYTHING - even store brands. And it's user friendly. I went back and journaled everything for this week so far. Remember my off-day on Tuesday? Yeah, I calculated that was a 3000 calorie day! Damn! But it's good to know what kind of damage even a "little" slip can do.

I was supposed to have class this afternoon, too, but my Wed. teacher also teaches my Thurs. class and I found out that she was not going to be there so I skipped. I also skipped the gym, but vow to do a DVD before I go to bed. I've used about 1000 calories so far today because I've felt so snacky! I went to the grocery yesterday and got some peaches and strawberries that I took to work for snack today. Even though I wasn't hungry, I had ate all the fruit before lunch. And then ended up eating a LUNA bar after lunch. I'm planning for a turkey burger and some veggie for dinner, so hopefully I'll still come out ok as far as calories go.

I'm kinda confused about the calories, too. The Livestrong site says that for my height and weight, in order to lose 2 lbs each week I need to eat 2100 calories. That seems WAY too high for me, because when I was losing before I was eating around 1200 calories. I usually try to keep in around 1500 at the highest. But you know, for this week, I think the real victory is that I'm journaling and even KNOW how many calories I'm eating! I'm still so bloated from TOM I'm not really expecting a loss anyway, so maybe if I can trudge through the weekend and keep up my good habits I can set a target for Monday. I have been consistent all week with drinking over 100 ounces of water, and no caffeine, so that's good, too.

Something funny happened last night. I got a message on Facebook from some guy that wanted to buy my blog for $100. WTF? Any of you that are friends with me on Facebook know I play Mafia Wars and have almost 1000 friends, so I get several friend requests every day. I just always accept everyone, but apparently this guy had went to my Facebook account from this blog. I was insulted (because my blog is priceless to me), and removed him from my friends on Facebook. My blog is NOT FOR SALE, lol.

Yesterday my stress level felt a lot better, and today it's been good, too. Yeah, the problems are still there. But I'm really trying to just take one day at a time and get through it. Tomorrow will worry about itself...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Day 1 - again...

I did not stick to my plan yesterday. I did not go to the gym. I almost had a binge. Almost.

I won't go into details, but things got very emotionally rough for me yesterday. Just too much shit. I wasn't feeling well yesterday, and had my blood pressure checked. Guess what? It was high! I have NEVER had high blood pressure! I came home from work, put on my gym clothes, and headed out for the gym. But I had to stop by the post office before they closed. It was sometime during my drive that I got the "fuck it" attitude and stopped for pizza. My legs hurt like hell from running on Monday, and I generally just felt like shit. I brought the pizza home, and in my mind somewhere I gave myself permission to "start over tomorrow".

After the second slice of pizza (when the heartburn set in) I came to my senses. Yeah, I felt really disappointed that I let myself down. Ironically, I felt even more disappointed that I would have to confess to the blogging world that I'd failed. But I also knew that it could have been much worse. I'm not making excuses, or justifying what I did, but I could have ate the whole container of cupcakes on my kitchen table. I could have ate the whole box of Lucky charms. I could have went to Kroger and bought cookie dough. I mean, I really had considered all of this! But I didn't do any of it. I basically locked myself in my room for the rest of the night and cried it out. I know food doesn't fix the kind of stress I'm going through. I don't know why I always think it will.

So today I start over. I woke up, got dressed, and came in the kitchen to fix my smoothie and WAS OUT OF FROZEN STRAWBERRIES! I had already dumped the protein powder in the water in the blender, so I tried using ice instead. It was a mess, so I just dumped it out and ate a bowl of fiber one and light soy milk. May I add that I MEASURED my cereal and milk so I could journal it. I also sat down this morning and journaled everything I ate after I fell from the wagon yesterday. At least I still got 135 oz. of water in yesterday...

And guess what? One of the things I was so stressed about was how I was going to make my paycheck stretch so I could pay my rent and live for two weeks. I got a text from my ex last night telling me he had just left money in my mailbox. I'm guessing he is still strung-out so he didn't want the kids to see him. It was exactly enough for me to pay what needs to be paid and still have enough left over for gas and toilet paper. Do you think that was some sort of sign? I did... God always provides, right? Even from places (or people) you least expect it from.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

One year ago today...

I was on SparkPeople today looking at fitness videos when I realized that today is the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my commitment to a healthy lifestyle. One year ago, I stepped on the scale at a Weight Watcher's meeting and weighed 333 lbs., my all time highest weight. I have been on a journey ever since. I have stumbled and fell on my face along the way, but I have NEVER given up. I will not give up. I am determined to get to 160 lbs, and I know I will do it.

I stole this from my friend Heather on SparkPeople...

To Achieve your Dreams Remember your ABC's.....

Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits.
Believe in yourself.
Consider things from every angle.
Don't give up and don't give in.
Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come.
Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches.
Give more than you planned to.
Hang on to your dreams.
Ignore those who try to discourage you.
Just do it.
Keep trying no matter how hard it is
Love yourself first and most.
Make it happen.
Never lie, cheat or steal….always strike a fair deal.
Open your eyes & see things as they really are.
Practice makes perfect.
Quitters never win & winners never quit.
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life.
Stop procrastinating.
Take control of your own destiny.
Understand yourself in order to better understand others.
Visualize it.
Want it more than anything.
You are unique..nothing can replace YOU.
Zero in on your target and go for it.

Day 2 - I am in control.

Yesterday went really well. Not only with the eating, but with the mood as well. I stuck to my goals and finished the day with about 11oo calories and 135+ ounces of water. Kinda on the low side, but I was completely satisfied. I did make it to the gym yesterday, and did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on the dreadmill. May I add that I jogged 5 out of those 30 minutes? I could only jog in 1-minute intervals, but it felt so good. I started to cough about half-way thru the time on the treadmill, but it wasn't bad so I pushed thru. I really need to get as much walking/jogging time in as possible to train for the upcoming 5K.

I felt like I was in control yesterday. I was not hungry, and I didn't have any crazy urges to cheat or go off my plan. Even though I still have cupcakes from my daughters party still sitting on my kitchen table... But I grilled chicken breasts for dinner and leftovers, and did not mind my steamed veggies instead of salad. I really DO NOT like vegetables, so it's always hard for me to eat them. But I will, because they are good for me. I plan on going to the gym tonight, but unfortunately I left my I-pod at home and will have to go home first. Hopefully I will not get sidetracked...

I found out yesterday that my next door neighbor hand her son have H1N1 (Swine flu). The little boy got it first, and now the mom is sick with it. They will be ok because they caught it early. But it still miffs me a little that they have not made an announcement at the school that there has been a confirmed case. The little boy goes to my son's school, and his brother (who is not sick yet) is in my youngest daughter's class at another school. The absentee rate at the schools in our district have been really high for the last two weeks - it seems like they should have figured out by now they need to shut things down until these kids get well.

I "remembered" yesterday that my on-campus classes start tomorrow - so my gym plans will be wrecked. I will have to go to school on Wed and Thurs afternoons. And now they childcare at my gym is closed on Friday afternoons. I will simply have to figure out another way to get activity. I have PLENTY of DVD's to choose from, and the weather is getting cooler so walking around my neighborhood is always an option, right? I just LOVE going to the gym, and hate that I will have to do something else.

Ok... so here goes for a successful day 2! Wish me luck...

Monday, August 24, 2009

What a weekend...

This weekend simply wasn't long enough. Even though I didn't plan on it, I went out Friday night. I had a mini-reunion with a good friend from high school and it was great times. Saturday, my oldest daughter had her birthday party, which included a slumber party with about 10 pre-teen girls. Honestly, it was a good group and things went pretty smooth - but by Sunday morning when they left I was wore out! I took a nap, though I hated sleeping away such a glorious day outside. It was only 79 degrees in Middle Tn yesterday! We ended up getting out yesterday afternoon so that my daughter could spend some of her gift certificates. I got my truck cleaned out, and made a run to Wal-mart.

Today I was reading this article on about sticking to your weight loss plan for 21 days with NO CHEAT days. Thinking back to April, when I first started my new plan of eating clean/no sugar/no caffeine - I didn't cheat for at least 21 days, if not longer. And the weight came off in good numbers. So, I've decided to challenge myself. Starting today, I commit myself to healthy eating for 21 days - NO CHEATING! That includes no caffeine, no added sugar, clean eating (90%), at least 100 oz. of water daily, and keeping a food journal. I will limit my alcohol consumption to Friday's only and will keep the drinks as "diet friendly" as possible - meaning no margaritas, no sugary cocktails. I will also journal these drinks and account for them. I heard a long time ago that doing something for 21 days makes it a habit, and I need to definitely get back in the habit of healthy eating.

I am also going back to the gym today. My bag is packed and waiting for me in my truck. I am still coughing a little, but I don't think it will be an issue. I NEED to exercise. My body misses the good chemicals it gives my brain. I am in a huge funk and I need something to help me shake it. I feel like I'm fighting to get out of bed in the mornings. Things are so crappy right now, and I need to concentrate on things I can control. Eating right and exercise are definitely still things that I can control in my life.

TOM is here, and I have that yucky, bloated feeling that I HATE. I forgot to WI this morning, but will try to remember in the morning. I love not being a slave to the scale anymore. It's just an indicator of progress now - it does not define who I am and how I feel. My clothes tell me I'm doing a good job or if I'm slacking.

I'm trying something new for lunch today. I'm SO tired of salads, and have wasted so much lettuce over the past few weeks because I am subconsciously "forgetting" to pack my salad everyday. Honestly, I know I just don't want the damned thing! So yesterday at the store, I got a few bags of broccoli and cauliflower that you steam in the bag. They only cost a little over $1 per bag. I also had some grilled salmon and talapia filet's in my freezer that I had bought a while back. So for lunch, I am going to have a piece of fish and the whole bag of veggies. I figure I can find a plate somewhere (since I forgot to bring one from home). Hopefully this will go well, because I am cooking a bag of boneless/skinless chicken breasts tonight. Grabbing either a piece of chicken of fish (or even tuna) in the morning, plus a bag of veggies is easy and healthy. I'm still getting my veggies, and I'm not having to eat a salad.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Getting over it!

My day absolutely TANKED yesterday. The rain and gray skies brought in a bad mood, which only got worse until I went to bed. I woke up with the same sh*tty mood. Ugh! So, as I'm reading through the blogs on my blogroll, I came across this on Fat Daddy's blog:

"I like Hollie and her blog. I have had a link to her for a while now, and if you read her you will come to understand she is a warrior. She has been through a lot..."

Let me just say, this made my day. I don't feel like a warrior. Lately I've been feeling like a failure. It is so hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. But you know what? I am a damned warrior! I am fighting right now - not just the Battle of the Bulge, but the Battle to Provide for my Children, and the "Battle to Make Ends Meet", and most importantly, the Battle to STAY SANE! I will not lay down, and I will keep fighting until I conquer all the evil forces that try to keep me down! I will WIN because I will NOT GIVE UP!

I started this blog nearly one year ago. Never in a million years did I ever dream I would have 122 followers a year later. I just wanted somewhere to put my thoughts about this journey, because at the time I had no one to lean on. I knew it was the time in my life where I NEEDED to make a change. I have received so much inspiration and encouragement from the blogs I read and from the comments that are left on this and other blogs. It really does keep me going, and it keeps me focused on the road ahead of me.

For the first time in a LONG time, I believe I CAN AND WILL DO THIS! I know I am not one of those people that can stick with a plan 100% all the time, but I can make positive changes that will add up over the long run and end up being a lifestyle for me. I am not the same person who used to binge on donuts in Walmart. I am not the same chick that used to hoard Cadburry eggs so I could eat 3 or 4 of them at night before I went to bed. I am not the same person who buys sugary snacks for my children to eat. I am changing, and my family will change, too. It might not happen this year, it might not happen next year, but I will reach my goal weight. I have already claimed it!

I got another good quote in my inbox this morning. It's my time to fly!

"When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go. Only one of two things will happen. Either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly!"

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Where did my sunshine go?

My favorite part of Spring/Summer are the days the sun is out and they sky is bright blue. A few little clouds can dot the sky, but I love sunshine. Unfortunately, there's no sunshine in my area of TN today. Ugh.... And to top it off my cough is getting worse instead of better! AND TOM is trying to come early. Basically, my body doesn't feel very well, but I'm not letting it get me down.

My boyfriend has been out of town and I'm looking forward to seeing him this afternoon. I'm trying to brainstorm for a good, healthy dinner tonight. I'm probably gonna go with chicken because everyone likes that, but I don't know how I'm gonna prepare it. If it were not so rainy I could do a good marinade and throw it on the grill... sorry - thinking "out loud".

My son is doing fine today, as expected. He is very happy to have a day off with his grandmother, who will feed him all the junk he can eat. I guess it IS better to be safe than sorry, because so many kids in our system have been out with flu. Someone told me that they had already sent 10 kids home from his school when they called me yesterday. It might be better that he's NOT there so he won't get sick.

In my comments yesterday, MochaTrina asked about books for children with Autism. I would recommend "The Out of Sync Child" to any parent or teacher - not just parents/teachers who are around Autistic children. It is one of the best books I've ever read as a parent, and a helpful resource as a teacher. So many children have sensory issues that get diagnosed as something else... And sensory problems can also coincide with other diagnoses. My son has had sensory issues since birth, and being "hot natured" is just something we deal with. It wasn't until I started taking classes for my Special Education endorsement that I learned this is a common problem in Autistic children or children with sensory issues.

Jess cooked for my daughter last night, and I wore a shirt and a pair of denim capris I haven't wore in a few weeks. Out of the dryer, both were SO much looser! I was pulling my size 22 pants up all night, and my shirt didn't even showcase my muffin-top like usual! I also got my T-shirt for the 5K... I had ordered a 2xl and it is too big! I am so used to feeling STUFFED in a 2xl that I didn't think about getting an XL. I feel so positive about my weight loss right now because I am SEEING difference, and apparently everyone else is, too. I am getting so much more attention, which is a good and bad thing. I usually like to blend in and stay in the background, but I like it when people notice I've lost weight... catch 22 right?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I'm HOT!

Not just hot because it feels like a sauna outside, but hot because I just had to pick my son up from school for a fever that he doesn't have! They said he had a 101 deg. fever, but when I got him home it was 97.3. He stood outside for a fire drill for 15 minutes in 100 degree heat with a black shirt, jeans, and black sneakers. When he came inside, he told the teacher he "felt hot" and she sent him to the nurse, who took his temp and came up with 101. Um... if you had stood baking outside you'd be hot too! Plus, children with autism sometimes have trouble regulating their body temperature... which he does. He's ALWAYS too hot - even wears short sleeves in the winter. SO... he can't go back to school until Friday b/c of the "24-hour fever free" rule. Give me a f*cking break!

Today I have felt very "blah". Had to take my mom to the dr. this morning, then as soon as I got back to work I had to leave again to go get my son to take him to my mom, then come BACK to work. I have NOT eat well today because my day has been crazy. I think I'm going over to Jessica's tonight b/c she wants to cook dinner for my daughter (who turned 12 yesterday). I love Jess b/c she always makes sure to cook something low-fat/clean for me to eat, too. She is totally supportive of me losing weight and I love her for it.

I am almost over this cough, so I am going to pack my gym back and will try to go after work tomorrow. I MISS the gym, and I really need it right now. I never thought I would miss the gym... go figure.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

One day at a time...

I was talking to my boyfriend this morning about all the crap I have going on in my life right now - sometimes it seems like I can't catch a break. If it weren't for the fun times and laughter that gets sprinkled into my week, I would be suicidal. I found out yesterday that my ex is smoking crack again, so that means he has probably already quit or got fired from his job. That also means that I will be going from not getting enough child support to none at all. SO... I am just going to go with the flow. I am so broke, I can't pay attention (lol). The worst that can happen is that I won't be able to pay my rent and I'd have to move. But I'm blessed that I know I will have some place to stay. I decided to take things one day at a time, and not worry about tomorrow until it gets here.

I was talking to my good friend Yvette last night, and she told me something I really valued. She said that when a woman has a baby, the worst part of the birth process is the time right before the baby is born. Just when a woman thinks there's no way she can push again, and that she can't take the pain anymore, a beautiful baby is born. When a mother looks at that beautiful baby, she forgets all about the previous few minutes, and focuses on the blessing she is holding. She compared the time that I'm going through in my life to giving birth, saying that this is the time where I don't think I can go any further, and that there's no way I can handle anymore pain. But before I know it, I will push through it and there will be such a blessing to behold. Thanks, Yvette... I needed those words of wisdom.

I started out with a protein smoothie this morning, and plan on having Subway for lunch. Today is my oldest daughter's birthday - she is finally 12! So I am going to run out and get Subway for both of us and have lunch with her at school. I really love it that she goes to the same school I work at now... I can keep my eye on her. She is having a sleepover on Saturday night, so that should be interesting. I told her she could invite boys from 7 - 10 p.m. for the "cookout" portion. That seemed to make her happy.

I am also trying to decide if I want to start going back to church somewhere. It seems like God has laid this on my heart more than once, but I always have an excuse. First it was that my kids were with their dad, but now that he's sucking on a crack pipe that's not gonna be happening. My other excuse is that I was spending Sunday mornings with my boyfriend, but now I will have the kids and won't be doing that either. Something is telling my that God just cleared my excuse list... but I still don't know if I want to go.

Gotta go teach the spelling lesson... bbl.

Monday, August 17, 2009

One Lovely Blog Award goes to..... ME!

I actually received this award over the weekend from TWO people who read this blog. Thanks to Skye at Skye's the Limit and Mochatrina at Ah...Me So Hongry! The rules of the award are I must:
  1. Acknowledge the giver
  2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs I love:
Well, that's easy! Besides Skye, who I have been following for a while and who has recently come back on the blogging scene, and Trina, who I just found and already LOVE, here are some favorites (in no particular order):

1. Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit - Yes, he is lovely, too. And hillarious!
2. A Forty-Something's Weight Loss Journey - I love Shelley!
3. MizFit - This lady is very wise...
4. Fixing Myself Thinner - Dawn is such an inspiration for me!
5. Escape from Obestity - Lyn inspires me to NEVER give up.
6. Melt Away the Pounds - Jules don't let a little PREGNANCY get in the way of her healthy lifestyle!
7. 282.5 - I'm lovin' me some Jo right now!
8. You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat - I think Carlos and I were lovers in some past life...
9. FitHungryGurl - Irene is the a true athlete and competitor - truly inspiring for me.
10. Journeying to Lose 200 lbs - Chubby Chick's progress is amazing!
11. It's Not a Diet, It's a Weigh of Life - Another weight loss superstar!
12. Fat Daddy Rants - LOVE ME SOME FAT DADDY!
13. Prior Fat Girl - Love, Love, Love Jen!
14. The Incredible Shrinking Family - Been following Diane for a while now - she has SO much knowledge and thinks outside the box.
15. Praying for Lightning - My sister from another mister - I'm "praying" she'll stick around a while!

I could TOTALLY keep going - but I really need to get to work. Please look at my blogroll for more of my "favorites".

Weigh-in... good news!

Today I weighed in at 272 lbs.... which is down from last week, is my lowest weight in a LOOONNNGGG time, and now puts me at a total of 61 lbs. lost! The scale is FINALLY moving in the right direction! It's been a really rough weekend, so this was good news today. It really strengthens the goal that I made yesterday to really recommit to my weight loss this week.

First things first, I got my new size 20W jeans on Friday! Along with a size 14W top! I have a Lane Bryant outlet in my town, and had a coupon, and I really lucked out. I got the jeans and the top for $50 - which was my budget for the jeans. It happened that they had a great sale, so not only did I get a pair of jeans, but I got a pair of Secret Slimmer jeans, which are more expensive but so awesome! If you haven't tried a pair, I really suggest you do. For my night out on Friday, I wore my new jeans with a size XXL shirt from the "regular" clothes at Target. I felt really cute!

I paired the top I bought with a pair of black capri's that I'd bought a little while back as "goal pants". They are also a size 20. When I bought the top, I thought it was a size 14/16. I thought it looked like it would fit me, and when I tried it on it did. But when I actually wore it out on Saturday night, I noticed that it was a 14W. Wow... Yeah, it might run big, but it felt really good to be wearing that size!

Friday night was fun, but not really what I was expecting. There seemed to be a lot of tension going on with the people I was out with - not between us, but between them and other people. Saturday morning I had orientation for Fall term at school, and then Saturday night things went really bad really fast. My ex decided to show his ass when I dropped my kids off to him. Long story short, he refused to give me my child support, and was drunk. When I demanded he let my kids go with me, he just went ape-shit and started talking shit to me. I thought I was going to have to call the police, but he finally gave my my kids and my money. He admitted yesterday that he has been using drugs again. UGH! It makes me so damned mad.

I am so thankful for my friends. I had made plans to go out on Saturday night, but since I had my kids I thought I would cancel. But Jess happened to be at my house (and had to come to my rescue) when all this happened. Her ex volunteered to watch my kids so I could go out anyway, which was so nice. But I really wanted to make sure my kids were okay, and was TOTALLY not messed up with staying in. But since Jess and her ex were afraid that Clyde might try to come by my house and cause problems, they insisted that I stay with one of them Sat. night. I ended up going to Jess's place, and it was like my kids went to a slumber party instead. They were totally over the "incident" and were almost relieved I didn't let them stay with their dad. They're young, but they remember what he's like when he drinks.

I ended up "sneaking" out for a little while after the kids went to bed. Jess had to be at work early on Sunday and was happy to babysit. I met another girlfriend of mine and we went to a little bar across the highway from Jess's apt. and had a 'rita. I think I deserved that 'rita! But yesterday morning I was really doing some thinking about "everything". One of the things I decided is that I am going to stop drinking again for a while. I am also going to start giving weight loss 100% effort. I feel so damned good in my smaller clothes, and am starting to love they way I look in the mirror. I am ready to tackle the next 20 lbs. I am still coughing like crazy, so they gym is not an option today. But I know I can eat right until I can add the exercise again.

So when I saw the number and realized I had reached another milestone (60 lbs gone), I knew that it was an affirmation.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Breaking news...

I just signed up for another 5K! It's called Sherry's Run, and it is in honor of cancer victims and survivors. I will participate in honor of my father, who died of cancer in 2005. I will also do it in support of a teacher here at my school who is battling cancer right now. The 5K walk/run is on September 12, so I have about a month to prepare. I really want to run/walk this one. The last one I only walked it, and met my goal of finishing in less than an hour. This time I think I'm gonna make my goal 40 minutes.

SOOOO... this means I have to start getting on that dread-mill. I figure that instead of 45 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the stationary bike, I will do 30 minutes on the treadmill, 30 minutes on the elliptical. During my treadmill time I will try to run a little - well, as much as I can. I still have bad knees, and I'm still very heavy, so I'm not going to over-do it. I just want to step up my game from the last 5K. That one was at the beginning of April, and I've came a long way since then.

I might even do some of those couch to 5K podcasts...

Moving forward... TGIF!

TGIF! This has been a LLLLOOONNNGGG week! I hate being sick! I am feeling much better, but still have this awful cough, and am constantly out of breath and sweaty! Ugh! I can finally take a deep breath that fills my lungs, so I'm pretty sure I'm on the path to recovery. I am still not up to exercise, though, which BLOWS! I am totally missing my gym time. I even had to let my daughter mow the grass yesterday. It is awesome that she was willing to do it, though. I am so thankful.

Today I get my first paycheck since the end of May! Woo HOO! I am BROKE! It will be great to finally get some steady income rolling in. I have decided that I am buying a new pair of jeans today. The last time I bought jeans I wore a size 24 and they are ridiculously too big. I think I'm gonna shoot for a size 20 tonight, since my size 22 denim is getting really loose. I have a Lane Bryant coupon, and saw online yesterday where they have a new style of straight-leg jeans I want to check out. I am a boot-cut gal, but I think I wanna try something different.

Yesterday I was reading Jack Sh*t's blog and it really got me thinking about my level of commitment. Yes, I am doing a lot better than I did this summer, but I'm still not giving 100%. I admit that - there is not denial going on. Yes, I might get frustrated because the scale isn't moving, but it's my own fault. I don't have excuses, but I do have a solution. Get my ass in gear!

I read so many blogs, and I do see where some people eat cake icing out of the can and brownie batter in excessive amounts and wonder why they are not losing weight or re-gaining all the weight they lost. I feel for these folks because I've been there. At that time, something just had not "clicked" for me yet. I was in denial, going in circles. I was stressed out and going through so much emotional stuff that I was unable to concentrate on my weight loss. I wanted it so bad, but I didn't want it enough to commit to making the changes that are necessary to lose weight. I continue to read their blogs, because I know that one day it will "click", and I want to be there to celebrate with them.

But I also see where some people are really losing a lot of weight, or have already met their goal, and act like they are the know-it-alls of weight loss. One is no better than the other in my book. Statistics are pretty solid. The majority of people who lose a lot of weight gain it back, and the same people you pass on the way down, you will pass on the way back up. It just peeves me a bit when someone who has weighed over 400 lbs criticizes people like me (who don't lose consistently). Who makes them the expert? Keep that weight off for 10 or more years and then you can attempt to judge me.

Sorry for that tangent... it just got under my skin yesterday. I hate it when people think they are better than other people. Just one of my pet-peeves.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Feeling like crap!

Ugh... this week has been yucky so far. Monday started off strong... stayed on track, got a great workout in after school, and had a great dinner. My little one was coughing and I could tell she felt terrible, so I asked her dad if she could stay home with him the next day so he could take her to the doctor. Monday night, out of nowhere, I start coughing. It's gone downhill from there. Tuesday I got sent home from work because I was coughing so bad and they were afraid I might be contagious. By Tuesday night, I had a fever and felt terrible. Yesterday morning started with cold chills and vomiting. All this time, I have been coughing like I have emphysema. My ribs feel like they are all broken. I feel better today and am back at work. During the night last night I woke up and was so wet I thought I'd peed on myself. Someone said my fever probably broke?

Good thing is that I've had no appetite. I've been getting my calories via protein shakes and orange juice. I weighed this morning and the scale said 274.2, which is the lowest number since May! I'm hoping that number sticks or gets lower, because I'm sure ready to get off this plateau I've been on. Since I still can't take a deep breath without going into a painful coughing fit, no gym for me today. Maybe not tomorrow either for good measure.

I got my grades for summer and got 3 A's and an A-. That makes all the blood, sweat and tears that school caused this summer all worth it. Fall term starts Saturday, but since it's spread out for almost 5 months instead of 1 - 2 months, it will be a lot easier to handle.

Ok... time to get my head in the game. Later!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Wacky weekend!

This weekend went really well! Friday I did not go to the gym - had plans with Jess to have a "girls night out", which always starts with having a play date at her house with all SEVEN of our children. We usually grill out and let the kids play until they're tired. Jess was thoughtful enough to buy boneless, skinless chicken breasts for me so I could stay on plan. We went out to our favorite bar and had a blast! At around 3 a.m. we went with a group of friends to IHOP for "breakfast". Jess and I split an Eggbeaters omelet since neither of us were really hungry. Alcohol was limited to one margarita, so I think it was a good night out. It's nice to go out and be conscious of my diet again.

Saturday I had to babysit Jess's kids since her hubby went out of town. I am a brave woman, and decided to go shopping at Target (with 7 kids) since we had Tax-free weekend here in TN. I really racked up, and ended up buying myself a few things out of the REGULAR SECTION of the store. I can officially wear a XXL. Remember when I used to work at Target? I tried on a XXL shirt once and couldn't get my arms through it, and every other time I tried it was a similar experience. So that's a big NSV for me. I bought a maxi dress, which seems to be pretty stylish right now. Jess has one and I love it, but I'm not 100% sure I love it on me. I ended the day by taking the "tribe" to the pool. It was a great day - avoiding bad food was not an issue. The only splurge was a Frap from Starbucks. After being up all night and dealing with 7 kids in a department store, I think I deserved it!

Yesterday was pretty relaxing. My children spend Sat. nights with their dad now, so I just chilled out Sat. night, then spent a little time with the boyfriend yesterday during the day. It was still midnight before I went to bed, but I woke up focused this morning and ready to have a great week! I meant to WI, but overslept and forgot. I'll do it in the a.m. I am really enjoying my return to the blog world! Love reading everyone, and have found more great blogs. Check out this chick - (that's where I stole the graphic - thanks!).

Thursday, August 6, 2009

More pics...

I love looking at pictures on everyone else's blogs, so I thought I would post a few. These were taken about 2 weeks ago when Jess and I went to Atlanta for a girls weekend away. I don't really like the full lenght shot (muffin top), but you can see where I've cropped the others to my satisfaction! I love the cropping tool - makes the pictures represent the way I feel instead of me focusing on how big my arms are.

I want to thank everyone for the great comments you leave on this blog. I can't believe I'm up to 108 followers! Last year at this time, I was in a size 28 from Lane Bryant, weighing 333 lbs. I wore croc sandals all the time because my feet and knees hurt constantly. Besides, I couldn't even tie my shoes without breaking a sweat. I was miserable, not just with my weight but also with my marriage.

Through this blog, I think I've came a long way. I am definitely in a better place, and ready to move forward with health and happiness. It may take a while, but I know I will get there one day!

I am BEAT! I did a little over an hour at the gym, then came home and cut the grass (which takes over an hour). I was so hungry and weak by the time I finished I was sick. I feel better now, but still have a headache so I'm about to hit the shower and go to bed!

Quick update...

I weighed this morning and I'm already down 2.8 lbs. from Monday (280.6 to 277.8). That is good news and very motivating to stay on track. I have been drinking SO much water, and did about 1 1/2 hours in the gym yesterday after work (45 min elliptical, 20 min. stat. bike, 10 min. weights). Things have also been "moving" for the first time in months, so that's good too I guess!

Woke up early this morning and decided on oatmeal instead of my usual protein smoothie (1 scoop protein powder, 1 c. water, 1 c. frozen strawberries, 1 tbs. flax oil). I love my smoothie, and it's been a mainstay this summer, even when I was not on plan. It's quick and very filling. But for some reason I wanted oatmeal, and did my usual bowl of pumpkin oatmeal - the same as I used to eat every morning this spring. It's yummy! Oats, pumpkin, flaxseed, sprinkled with walnuts and coconut.


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Lights out!

Yesterday went really well - I felt in control and back on track! Monday night I got all my fruits/veggies chopped and divided into containers. The bags were all packed and I got to bed by midnight. Yesterday morning was great - got the kids to school on time and the day got off to a great start. I ate on schedule, was happy with the food I packed to eat. Drank LOTS of water. I felt really sleepy, though, but I think that is my body coming off the little bit of caffeine I've been indulging in (I love the light coffee drinks). I even got all my supplements in, and I'm also journaling everything.

After school I still had to wait a long time for my sons bus, but I was all ready and dressed in my workout clothes and hit the gym. When we walked into the building, it started storming really bad. I walked/ran for 15 minutes on the treadmill, then got on the elliptical. That's when the power went off! Everything but the lights came back on, so I started going again. I was just getting back into it when BAM - the power goes off again! SO, I re-start my workout in the dark AGAIN. I was determined to get in a decent workout, but when the power shut off for the third time, I was DONE. I figured I got about 50 minutes in, so it was ok. I didn't feel as out of shape as I thought I would, though. That's a good thing.

I am prepared and ready for another good day today. Even though I went to bed at 10:30 last night (a record for me), I still feel so sleepy! Hopefully once my body adjusts to being on a schedule, eating right, and exercising I'll feel a lot better.

Please send me the total amount of you walking minutes by Friday, August 7 so I can get your gift certificate to you. You can email the results to

I actually think I am going to start another challenge on introLEAGUE again soon. It will probably include all forms of exercise since I am not walking as much as I'm doing the elliptical and stationary bike. I can't guarantee I can get a gift certificate this time, but I'm pretty sure I can put together a goodie box or something with a lot of products I have been getting for free. I'll let you all know!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Let's get this party started!

I am very grateful today. Today is the first day of school in my little town on my side of the world here in TN. Today is the day I've been needing all summer... the beginning of a routine! I have literally got by this summer by the seat of my pants... no real job, living day to day. Yes, I taught summer school in June. Yes, I attended classes on campus in July. But both were just for a few hours each day. The rest of the time was lounging by the pool or running around doing a lot of everything. It was a fun summer, and I am really grateful to have had time with my children. But all good things must come to an end... and in this case I am glad it ended when it did.

For the entire summer, I have gradually slipped downhill and off my diet and exercise plan. The past week or so have been out of control. I am here today to fess up! I have fell of the wagon, and today I planned to get back on... yes, I said planned. You know, I can't even use that word. I mentally planned it, but actually didn't plan or prepare a damned thing! I got totally overwhelmed yesterday in the preparations to get my kids back to school and ended up putting my lunch and meal planning on the back burner. I stayed up until 2 a.m. making sure backpacks and bags were packed and organized - and didn't do a damned thing to make sure I was prepared for today.

This morning we were all late for school! Chaos is the only word to describe my house. My room is so messy I couldn't find my damned shoes! So, right now, right here on this blog.... I am actually going to make a plan. Today ends the free-for-all, and today starts the beginning of the next phase of my weight loss journey. There I said it. And now all of you know.

1. I must go home and clean my house. I have been spending the night away from home a lot over the past 2 weeks (went to Atlanta with Jess weekend before last, spent the night with Jess Friday night, spent the night with my boyfriend Sat. night). My room looks like my closet and my hamper threw up. Laundry is NOT done. I have to get everything cleaned up and organized so I won't be in the situation I was in this morning.

2. I need to get my kitchen into "diet-friendly" mode. One thing that I have not slipped on is I am still not bringing "bad" food into my house. So I don't really have to worry about cleaning out "bad" food. But when I was doing well on my diet, I had my counters organized with my vitamins and supplements. I had my fruit and veggies chopped and ready to go in the 'fridge. It was so easy to get my lunch and snacks together the night before so I could just grab and go in the mornings. I've had a watermelon on my counter for a week... and two heads of lettuce in my crisper for at least that long. Just waiting to be chopped and included in my healthy diet plan, lol.

3. I need to start going to bed on time. I'm like a baby who has their days and nights mixed up! I stay up all night, then go to sleep at around 3 or 4 a.m. But I don't get to sleep all day - I have to get up at a decent hour to take care of my kids. I don't even get to take a nap. I have been surviving on a few hours of sleep a night - and we all know that's not good for any diet plan. My hope is that HAVING to get up at 5:30 a.m. will mke me tired enough that I will be able to fall asleep easier. Going back to the gym will also help.

4. I need to get my ass back in the gym! I was doing so well - and then I had a situation with my mother and I completely lost it for a few days. I was going to go to the gym this afternoon, but guess who didn't pack her gym bag last night? My plan is to go to the gym everyday after work since it's less than a mile from my job. If I pack my gym bag, I can get there right at 4 p.m. when the childcare opens and work out for about an hour and a half and then go home and have dinner with the kiddos.

5. I have to start putting ME first again. There have been so many ups and downs this summer, and somehow I just lost focus of me again. But I know that I am worth the time, effort, and energy it takes to lose this weight and get healthy. It's not easy, but I ready to really do it this time! I am so thankful that my insanity has not resulted in a major gain (I have gained 5 lbs). In the past I would have completely thrown in the towel and would have piled every single pound back on in record speed. But I have not went TOTALLY NUTS. I have still not TOUCHED candy. I am still not drinking soda. I am not binging or using food as an emotional crutch. I'm just not paying attention and making conscious decisions about what I eat. It's kinda like "whatever".

Ok... sorry this has got so long, but there was just a lot I needed to get out. By the time I lay my head on my pillow tonight, I will have a clean house and have all my food prepared and packed for tomorrow. My supplements will be in my bag and I will make sure all my kids have their stuff ready to go too. I will have all the clothes ironed, so tomorrow morning I will be on time and ready to be on track! Watch out, it's time to get this party started again!