Saturday, January 9, 2016

Ending the binge cycle... And cake.

Earlier in the week, as I was reading (catching up on) some daily devotions in my OA book, I came across something that said that everyone's recovery from compulsive overeating is different. Our food plans are different because our "trigger" foods vary.

This little passage got me thinking about my binge foods. Those foods that I am absolutely unable to have in moderation. The foods that I eat in the privacy of my car. The foods that I discard the wrappers to so no one will know I've had them. The foods that I eat until I'm sick. The foods that I feel guilty about afterwards. The foods that I obsess over in the grocery store. The foods that make me cry. The foods that soothe me after a bad day.

And I decided to make a list of those things. And add to it if necessary.

Because I can never have those foods again.

There is no moderation. There are no "treats". Forget special occasions.

If I am to obtain and maintain lasting recovery I can't have them.

And I admit, even typing that makes me sad. Because I will miss those foods. They are a part of who I am. Deep down. Since childhood.

1. cake and/or icing (major trigger)
2. donuts (major trigger)
3. Cadbury eggs (major trigger)
4. holiday candy (Russell Stover)
5. cinnamon toast crunch cereal
6. milk shakes (fast food)
7. fast food (from McDonald's, Burger King, Sonic)

As I just typed that out I realize how deeply in-bedded my pain and addiction goes with some of these foods.

When I was a child, we always seemed to be extra poor (not just the regular kind) when it come to my birthday (May 26). My mom (also a food addict, she just didn't know it) LOVED cake icing, so whenever there was a birthday she like to buy these really pretty cakes (lots of flowers and icing) from Sweet and Sassy Bakery (no longer there) in Nashville. But I know of several birthdays that I didn't get my cake because there was no money. But my younger (skinny) sister on the other hand, she seemed to always get her cake in November. In my mind, as a CHILD, I sometimes associated not getting my cake with me being fat (because I was always the fat one and she was the skinny one, and that was always a good teasing topic in my family).

So as soon as I was 15 and had a job, I made sure that every birthday after that I had a cake for my birthday. I bought it myself! But somewhere down the line, cake became a binge food. When the kids had birthdays, I would sit down at night and get sick on eating leftover cake. I would shop the bakery mark-downs in our grocery store for cake. Kroger used to sell individual slices of cake that had a plastic spork taped to the package... I think I've even blogged about this. I used to love to get two slices and eat them in the privacy of my car. Kroger was even nice enough to have a fuel center near the exit that I could drive through and throw away my trash!

Cake is definitely an issue. On Tuesday I bought four gourmet cupcakes for Mister's birthday. I got chocolate cake with chocolate icing because that is not my PREFERRED cake (I like white cake, white icing the best... maybe a red velvet). The plan was for each kid to have a cupcake, then Mister could have two. Well, that asshole didn't eat his cupcakes! So I obsessed over them all night. I wanted them so bad! I even brought them upstairs to our bedroom, because I thought if I could coax him into eating one of them, I could have the other.

I didn't eat them. They sat on my dresser another day and I gave them to my kids for breakfast just to get rid of them. But that is when I had the clarity... I can't have cake anymore.

I could go on and on about all of those binge foods. It was actually therapeutic just now to type out the cake story (I guess that's why I used to love to blog!). But the bottom line, that's the start. I will put a note in my phone in case I need to remind myself. But those foods are officially off limits.

Because 2015 was the end of compulsive overeating. The end of the binge-cycle. The end of food addiction.

2016 is a new beginning.