Monday, December 28, 2015

Day 1: food addiction

Today I am heading into this weight loss journey yet again. But this time, I am coming at the angle of recovery.

My food addiction has spiraled out of control in 2015. I've been officially 'off the wagon' since the holiday season last year. I did so well getting on track last fall.  I was back in a size 16 jeans for God's sake!

But somewhere along the way I forgot (or ignored) a very important fact.

I'm a food addict. And the longer I relapse, the worse it gets.

I've been in denial. I've had every excuse in the book (injuries, surgery, relocation). I even reasoned that I could handle moderation because EVERYONE deserves treats every once in a while!

I even went 90 whole days with no sweets. And all that proved is that I'm not just addicted to sugary sweets like I thought.

I abuse food. Point blank. Period. If my drug of choice is removed, I will find another. In this case, it was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on my favorite white bread.

All food addicts acknowledge that white bread and refined flour is PRETTY MUCH the same as white sugar. Your body treats it the same. 

So, during the past week or so I have felt myself spiraling out of control. The food and sweets weren't even enjoyable any more. But I kept shoving it all down. And I felt like shit the whole time. Mentally and physically.

But I made a commitment with a fellow food addict that was also in a relapse. 

We committed to recovery. Starting today.

We both know the program (OA). We both have the books and literature. We just needed an accountability partner. And we promised to be just that.

I started coming up with my own personal plan of getting clean. I studied the facts (even though I already know them), but just as a reminder...

It hasn't been too bad, except I really don't know how to eat anymore. The things I used to eat (when sugar-free) I don't want anymore (chicken, meat). All I really want are green smoothies but I know that will get old. Even after all these years of dealing with this disease, I still struggle with what to eat. But I know what NOT to eat, so I must start with that. 

I'm disappointed in myself for letting it go this long. But I won't live there. I can only move forward and look forward to what I know recovery feels like. The land of no heartburn, less body pain, and clarity.

I can do this.