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Monday, December 28, 2015

Day 1: food addiction

Today I am heading into this weight loss journey yet again. But this time, I am coming at the angle of recovery.

My food addiction has spiraled out of control in 2015. I've been officially 'off the wagon' since the holiday season last year. I did so well getting on track last fall.  I was back in a size 16 jeans for God's sake!

But somewhere along the way I forgot (or ignored) a very important fact.

I'm a food addict. And the longer I relapse, the worse it gets.

I've been in denial. I've had every excuse in the book (injuries, surgery, relocation). I even reasoned that I could handle moderation because EVERYONE deserves treats every once in a while!

I even went 90 whole days with no sweets. And all that proved is that I'm not just addicted to sugary sweets like I thought.

I abuse food. Point blank. Period. If my drug of choice is removed, I will find another. In this case, it was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on my favorite white bread.

All food addicts acknowledge that white bread and refined flour is PRETTY MUCH the same as white sugar. Your body treats it the same. 

So, during the past week or so I have felt myself spiraling out of control. The food and sweets weren't even enjoyable any more. But I kept shoving it all down. And I felt like shit the whole time. Mentally and physically.

But I made a commitment with a fellow food addict that was also in a relapse. 

We committed to recovery. Starting today.

We both know the program (OA). We both have the books and literature. We just needed an accountability partner. And we promised to be just that.

I started coming up with my own personal plan of getting clean. I studied the facts (even though I already know them), but just as a reminder...

It hasn't been too bad, except I really don't know how to eat anymore. The things I used to eat (when sugar-free) I don't want anymore (chicken, meat). All I really want are green smoothies but I know that will get old. Even after all these years of dealing with this disease, I still struggle with what to eat. But I know what NOT to eat, so I must start with that. 

I'm disappointed in myself for letting it go this long. But I won't live there. I can only move forward and look forward to what I know recovery feels like. The land of no heartburn, less body pain, and clarity.

I can do this.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Merry (day after) Christmas!

Wow, it's been a long time. I love blogging but it seems like lately (the last few years) life has got in the way of me doing it consistently. I guess with social media like Instagram and Facebook I feel like I am making a connection. But sometimes I feel like I really need to blog to get all of my feelings out. I don't blog or journal nearly enough.

Yesterday was Christmas, and this has been a hard holiday to get through. This was my first Christmas without my mother living. Even though I have not been around her for the last five Christmases, I was able to talk to her on the phone. Hearing her voice was very important. Christmas was always a big deal for us as a small family. My mom always struggled financially being a single parent but Christmas was always a big event for her. 

This was our first Christmas as a family in Florida. I may seem very strange to have such warm weather and sunshine for this holiday but I'll take it. We spent the afternoon at the beach and it truly helped my spirit. 

Besides not having my mother or father for Christmas, another thing that is making me very UNhappy is my weight and body image. Although I have tried and been on track several times this year I am not where I want to be. I am actually heavier than I have been in a long time. My feet hurt, my sciatica is acting up, my knee hurts, the list goes on. I am having to take ibuprofen all day just to manage.

When will I stop doing this to myself?

I have so many goals. So many dreams. But it all goes back to weight loss. How will I ever fulfill all of my hopes and dreams if I can't get this one thing right?

I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday and we were talking about recovery. I know that some people disagree but food addiction is a real thing. Just like drugs and alcohol, food addiction will rob you of your hopes and dreams. It will make you sick. It will make you broke. It will isolate you from friends and family. It will keep you from living the life you deserve.

I have basically been in relapse for an entire year. There are certain foods that I just can't have. I used to think it was just sugar that I was addicted to, but after being abstinent from sugar and sweets for 90 days I realized that it went farther than that. I am addicted to food, and until I get a handle on that again I will not be successful with weight loss.

2015 brought me to my happy place. Besides my weight and career, I am actually happy with just about everything in my life. I love living in Florida. I am in a happy relationship. The future seems so bright.

It's time for me to get back to the basics. I know what to do, I just have to do it.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

What a week...

This week has been hard, but also very eye opening as well.

Work-wise... It was one of the most difficult weeks of my career. My class changed from a 2/3 grade blend to a 1/2 grade blend. I lost 3 students and GAINED 6 students with no transition time, no collaboration with new or old teachers, no planning. It was hell. For me, and for my students.

But it is what it is. I've learned and keep learning that no one on my job level gives a FUCK. It's the most negative environment I've ever worked in. 

I've cried a lot. I'm so overwhelmed and frustrated. 

But I know why I am having this experience. It's to help me mentally get to the next level. 

I am destined for so much more. 

So, my coping strategy is to hang on to EVERYTHING positive. Which is a lot! My life is pretty great right now despite my job. 

And through reading/listening to A New Earth this week, I've (re)discovered that my reaction to the 'wrongs' at work have a lot to do with my ego anyway. 

Working from home and being my own boss is what I am working for.

I got my Mary Kay box this week!

I planned to dig into it yesterday but I didn't have time. I started my morning with Clyde at a breast cancer awareness event that his company sponsored.

We were looking pretty good in our pink! 

After that I went to the library with the kids, grocery shopped, and cleaned this apartment because it was super triflin'.

But now that it's clean I plan on making a special place in my room to set up by business. And I need to place my first order to get started. A few people have tried to be negative about Mary Kay this week because they say I'm not 'aggressive' enough to do it. Whatever. 

I'm also going to think more about doing the business end of Advocare, too. I started using my supplements again this week and could tell a HUGE difference. I really do love the products, and the company is solid. One more source of income couldn't hurt. 

I got this book from the library yesterday...

I don't know why real estate keeps calling my name since I've moved to Florida. But I'm hoping to learn more. Who knows!

I'll check in later with a recap of last weeks goals and some for next week!

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Goals for next week...

Next week is go time! Now that I've got big goals it's time to align my weekly goals to help me accomplish them. I'm expecting something big next week and I'm so excited. 

I'm super sore after yesterday's workout. So strangely it has me looking forward to doing it again in the morning!

I am going to start taking my supplements again. Strangely, I found an Advocare shirt last night and tried it on this morning.

I actually thought it wouldn't fit at all even though it's a 2xl. I can't wait to post a pic where it is loose!

Saturday, September 26, 2015


Today while at the gym, I had about a million things going on in my head. For the past week or more, changes have been brewing. Well, actually, changes have been HAPPENING for a while, but even MORE things lately.

For anyone who reads this that follows my other blog (SkinnyHollie), you already know that I recently relocated to Jacksonville, FL. Just because I always wanted to live in Florida and decided to just do it. Well, that one big step has completely been pivotal to a new way of living for me.

See... I was born and raised in TN. Never lived anywhere else. So moving to Florida was HUGE. Many close to me didn't really even think I would do it. But I did. And it was hard. It was expensive. And it completely removed me from my comfort zone.

And I love it.

I love the sun and the heat and the beach and the diversity. It's what I wanted, and I have such new, amazing experiences all the time. I love it here. I'm so glad I moved.

But there are a few things I don't like... I don't like living in an apartment. Which I already knew. But since we were moving here without no prior knowledge of the city, and also without knowing a soul, I didn't want to buy a house just yet. I wanted a chance to learn the city a bit before I sign up for something as big as buying a house. But I am already over apartment living. I'm ready to buy a house.

I also do not like my job. (Gasp). Don't get me wrong... I LOVE being a special educator. All I've ever wanted to be in my life is a teacher. But I feel like it's time to step away. Maybe for a time. Or maybe forever. I honestly can't say. Burnout was already happening in TN, and I was really looking forward to a change in educational systems and schools to renew my love for my career. But it hasn't. It's worse. I don't feel like I'm serving children anymore. I feel like I'm following rules that were made for general education students... rules that are more about increasing test scores and funding and not what is really best for kids. It's just different. And different in a bad way. Did I mention I took a pretty big pay cut?

Which has led me to think about changes. Changes that will take me WAY out of my comfort zone. Changes that will overcome my fears about being inadequate or not quite good enough.

I can't wait to ramble and share my new journey.

Please know... I have NOT given up on weight loss. I am still considerably overweight and have gained a LOT since moving to Florida. (I like to call it happy weight, lol). I am uncomfortable and I am already on my way to getting back on track. But at some point, it has become more than apparent to me that my transformation has to be both inside and out. And maybe this is why I can only get so far in my weight loss before I regress and regain.

I have been taking two steps forward and three steps back for a long time.

But I have learned so much along the way.

My transformation will include weight loss because I am truly trying to reach overall HEALTH. It's a promise I made myself when my mom passed away (she died on August 31). But it will also include overall self-improvement and stepping out of my comfort zone.

I'm so excited. The future is so bright.