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Friday, November 7, 2014

Binge - 1, Hollie - 0

It's almost like I knew... It was almost time for me to fall off a cliff.

Work stress is crazy. Single mom stress is crazy. And the holidays are coming, so the emotions are running high. To top it all off, I had to deal with a very hard incident on Monday (sorry, can't talk about it). I was in emotional meltdown mode all week.

I ate my last Personal Trainer meal on Monday, and to be honest, I really didn't have a solid "plan" for the rest of the week. I made some chicken breasts in the crockpot on Tuesday, got plenty of salad fixings. Splurged on almond milk and low-carb Greek yogurt, with the intentions of re-introducing some foods slowly. And it was all working.

Until yesterday.

First mistake... I went all day at work without drinking hardly any water. Not exactly sure why, since I'm usually guzzling all day. My left toe was hurting really bad and I was limping around and very uncomfortable. My daughter innocently surprised me with a small caramel Frappucino from Starbucks, and because my emotions and nerves were all over the place, I gladly sipped it until it was gone.

But I was okay with that small "cheat". And I was fully lying to myself.

I stopped on the way home from my after-school gig and got pizza and soda for my family.

And I ate half of a thin-crust pizza by myself. And washed it down with Coke Zero.

And I was HAPPY. It was like I had reunited with a long-lost friend. PIZZA! After 9 weeks, I missed my friend so bad. I was blissfully full and considered it a well-deserved cheat meal.

But then, it didn't end. I found my baby's stash of Halloween candy and started eating it as fast as I could. That's when I started feeling like crap. Because that wasn't cheating... it was binging.

Then I got emotional. And ate two bowls of Cocoa Krispies before bed.

Then I got sick. Then I panicked.

Then I confessed via Instagram and Facebook. For accountability...

Then I laid in bed for most of the night hating myself. Hating my body. Hating that food had such control over me and feeling so powerless to stop it.

Because I love food. Abstaining from it, or eliminating certain foods doesn't make me want it less. I STILL want that food. I miss it when it's gone and long for the day I'm skinny enough that I can enjoy it more often than I can now.

I feel so crazy and disordered sometimes. Why can't this just be easy? Why can't I be "normal" like everyone else?

But I woke up this morning determined to not look back. Yes, I slipped. And fell on my face. But I know that I can keep moving forward and get back on track. I know I can.

And I will keep trying every day until my body detoxes from this sugar and salt. Today hasn't been easy, but I've almost made it to the end. I WILL make it to the end.

I started tracking my food with My Fitness Pal today just for added accountability. My toe is still hurting so bad, and now my RIGHT knee is hurting, I think from limping so much. The pain and location really sucks because there is not much I can do at the gym as far as cardio that won't hurt like hell.

No matter what, I know I can't let myself lose control like that again. That was insanity, and after not being that crazy for 2+ months, it really felt strange. It scared me. I don't want to be that person. I want to stay in my size 16's and get even smaller. I'm well on my way, I just have to stay on course.

17 comments:

  1. Have you thought about trying shakeology or some kind of protein drink? Shakeology helps to reduce cravings and feel better. Stay on track with your water intake! You got this!

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  2. I was telling a friend of mine today that I don't understand why I can't defeat food. Why does it have such a hold on me? :::sigh::: Good for you for getting right back on track and fighting it out!

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  3. That all sounds horribly familiar to me as I have similar issues with sweet foods (and gluten in my case) and know that I feel better without them but suddenly fall into a big pile of exactly that when stressed / depressed / bored...
    But I'm working on it too and we can both do it so long as we pick ourselves up after a bad day and never just give up on it!

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  4. Hollie,

    You're not crazy. The carbs really do make us feel better. It's not an illusion or a placebo, it's neurological science. And it was just one day in a stressful week. Your weight is an average of many days. Hugs!!

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  5. Hi Hollie! (cool name...I have a daughter named Holly. :) )

    Have you ever tried going mostly grain/sugar free? Because a lot of people with binge pasts have found that if they give up 95% of the grains and sugar, the cravings really do disappear because of the brain chemistry changes. Just a thought. I hope you find what works for you. :)

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  6. You sound like me. Food controls my life. It is so hard. you dont want to feel left out at holiday parties etc but then again were trying to lose weight. I'm always yo yo dieting. I'm a carb and sugar addict too with diabetes running in the family. I just know if I deprive myself of it, it backfires on me with a whole day of binging. I think were friends on MFP and I'm beginning to track again too. If it makes you feel better I looked up to see how many calories I'd be allowed just to MAINTINe my ideal weight once at goal.... 1100!!! That is insane! I can eat 1100 calories in one yummy burrito! Being 5 ft 2 SUCKS!!! I dont want to feel left out of awkward through this holiday so I will practice moderation and do low carb when possible. If i know there will be a potluck or something I will skip a meal with a meal replacement shake so I can enjoy myself.

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  7. Holly ... we have all been there ... and what make us successful is not letting it stop us. You had your binge ... now get over it! Put it behind you ...You got this!

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  8. (((((((((hugs)))))))) Chin up, buttercup. That was one day. It's not today. Today you will rock.

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  9. I would love to talk to you regarding your journey. Is there anyway we can arrange that? I am in Fitness and Health/Nutrition have been for years I've followed your blog for a while and wanted to talk.

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  10. Girl....pizza is my 'friend' to. I am 25 pounds overweight and MOST of it has to do with pizza.
    Stay strong!

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  11. Hi! I found, for me, that until I did enough reading/research to really convince myself how unhealthy sugar and grains/wheat really were...it was gonna be yo yo dieting. Lose, gain. Lose, gain. Once I started to value that I had to change my mindset about sugar and wheat products and treat them like ENEMIES of my health and not trusted, beloved friends...could I start to change and break the bad habits. It takes time. It takes hard work. But it CAN be done. :)

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  12. I am new to your blog, but I just wanted to let you know I have been there and I want to send you a big hug! Stay strong, don't dwell on the past and keep moving forward, you can do it!

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  13. That was a lot of honesty there. I appreciate it. How did the holidays go?
    Thanks for letting us know we aren't alone.

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  14. Great blog with fantastic posts and content. Congrats!!!

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  15. Water is the best friend for the people who looking for natural weight loss tips. A lot of diet pills actually flush out your water, helping you lose weight quickly. That is going to do much more harm than good. Your body needs water, and lots of it in order to function properly. A nice rule is to take half of your weight in pounds and drink that many ounce.

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  16. So honest Hollie, thank you for that. By the way, where are you? I like your blog and want to hear more from you.

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  17. This hit home with me. Thank you for your honesty and accountability! You are not alone!

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