Saturday, April 26, 2014

An email to my OA sponsor...

I have not been abstinent since Thursday night after OA. My reasons are really just excuses... I've not been abstinent. Period.

I have used the tools you have given me, and also read several other things. I think the main reason I am struggling is lack of a solid food plan. When life gets crazy, like mine is 99% of the time, I think a food plan will keep the guessing and wiggle room out of the food.

J from OA said something really profound to me the other night when we were talking about my struggle with the food plan... It's just for today. Stop thinking about whether or not THIS food plan will be forever. Just decide to follow it for today, or just for the coming week. You can always change it.

I guess, in my diseased mind, I've been trying to find a happy medium, where I can enjoy certain things in moderation while still finding recovery. In my OA reading last night, I am thinking that it's the food telling me that lie. That I am going to have to give up some things I enjoy because I am addicted to them, or because they are trigger foods.

So today, I made a food plan, and have already shopped for and planned out my food for the next week. Sunday through Saturday. 

Breakfast: Protein shake with 1/2 c. greek yogurt, 1.5 c. almond milk, 1 scoop chocolate protein powder, 1 tbs instant coffee. (I've decided that using coffee creamer full of sugar is not a good idea. So I am going to have my coffee this way. It's kind of like an iced coffee when I add ice.)

Lunch: Smart Ones entree (under 300 cal) and a 100 cal Greek Yogurt with fruit (under 10 grams of sugar). 1-2 servings of fruit. (watermelon or strawberries)

Dinner: Salad greens with bell pepper, 3 oz. baked/grilled chicken breast, 1/4 c. shredded cheese, 3 tbs of blue cheese or ranch dressing. 1-2 servings of fruit. (watermelon or strawberries)

No more than 3 servings of fruit per day.
No more than 10 grams of sugar in anything.
Besides the Smart Ones, no added sugar or white flour. Sweets are definitely the issue, but the yogurt or fruit usually don't cause any issues. 

Like I said, I have already grocery shopped, and anticipating a busy week next week with having standardized state testing and crazy schedules with work there are no excuses not to do well. I have a refrigerator at work so leaving my food at home is no excuse. I have Adkins low-carb shakes at work so if for some reason I can't make my breakfast, I will substitute it with that.

I am sorry that I have not been checking in like you said I have to. I promise that if you will give me another chance I will follow the rules. And if you don't want to be my sponsor anymore, I understand that, too. I need to get "clean". I need to find peace when it comes to food. I am ready to put the food down and take it one day at a time until the "need" to keep certain foods in my life diminishes. I know it will... I've been 90 days clean before. I've proven that I can get through holidays... I just need to prove that I can get through real life.

Thank you for all you do.