Monday, March 17, 2014

Loving me...

Even though people warn you otherwise, one still has a delusion that if you lose enough weight that you will magically love yourself and that everything will turn out perfect in your life.

If you can only lose the weight, you will be pretty and you will be confident. That perfect person will gravitate to you because the universe is so pleased with your progress. Life will be so good if you lose the weight!

Right?

Wrong.

You will be the same old person you've always been if you don't change on the inside.

I know that feeling. Because even though I'm 60 lbs lighter than I was, I am still the same old mess on the inside that I've always been.

It gets so old sometimes. So frustrating. Why can't I figure it out?

I see people with loads of confidence that radiate self-love and I view them in awe... how does that feel? How do I get that?

I try to say self-affirming things. I try to be positive and grateful for the good things in my life. But at the end of the day, it's all bullshit really.

Because I don't love myself. I've just got to the point where I like myself enough that I'm trying to figure it out. But self-love... it's elusive.

It's so much easier (for me) to find someone else to do that FOR me. I go from bad marriage to bad relationship, to another bad relationship because I want so badly to feel love from SOMEONE. Even if it's fake and temporary. Because that's better than nothing, right?

Because right now, I am feeling lonely and depressed. And when I'm lonely and depressed I start making contact with people that I shouldn't. Because any attention is better than none. Maybe they will love me this time, right? And even if they don't, they can lie to me long enough for me to feel some sort of validation.

Before it's over. Again. Because there is a reason that they're not in my life anymore.

The cycle continues. I'm insane, I know.

But at least I SEE it now. I see the key to future happiness. And I know it's self-love. I HAVE to start loving me enough to know that I'm worth it. I have to work on me before I can ever successfully be with anyone else. I know that's why GOD has put me in this position... there is a lesson to be learned.

But on days like today it's so hard. Because I'm lonely. I want to be loved. And I can't do it myself yet. Even though I've been trying for a long time. I just don't "get" it. Maybe after being made to feel worthless and inferior for 30+ years by people who are SUPPOSED to love you, it just takes a while. Maybe...

And it doesn't hurt that time is ticking away... My 38th birthday is right around the corner.

And being at this weight-loss plateau for close to 9 months sucks, too. Because if I could only lose the weight things would be better, right? I might be able to attract the right person if I felt like getting out there. But right now I look and feel frumpy most of the time, and I'm just too old/tired/ugly/fat to put myself out there so what's the use?

That's all crazy talk, though... I know that. But it's still what runs through my head on days like today. Days when it feels like I'm always going to be stuck in a place I don't want to be.

But I have to believe with all my heart that better days are coming. And that everything will work out according to God's will. And that I will love myself one day. And it will be amazing...