Monday, February 24, 2014

Binge-eating and what's next

I've relapsed.

I should have seen it coming, and in many ways I think I did. And I tried to stay positive and avoid it.

But I have relapsed. And I'm having a hard time getting myself together.

Yesterday was a binge day like I haven't had in a long time.

It was pre-meditated. And I didn't regret it at all.

I sat down in my car with a huge piece of red velvet cake purchased from Kroger. And ate about half of it before I felt better. I ate the rest later in the privacy of my bedroom.

I cried before I went into the store. Cried over being fat. Cried over my foot pain (more on that later). Cried over hurt feelings from an ex. I cried over being lonely. And overwhelmed. I cried over money and bills.

And then I ate my cake.

And I felt better.

I told myself beforehand that I would NOT feel better. That it would make me feel worse. But it turns out that piece of cake was clarity. It was soothing and yummy and took my mind off all the shit that was making me unhappy.

Like it always does.

I came home, made a healthy dinner and meal-prepped for success this week. But honestly, I wasn't feeling any of it.

What's the use? I'm not losing weight. I don't feel any healthier or different. Hell, I proved to myself with that binge yesterday that I'm still the same FatHollie underneath it all. All these months of trying to get it right and I'm still the same food addict that I've been since the beginning of Hollie.

I went to the doctor a week ago and had a full panel of blood work done. There MUST be something wrong with my thyroid or hormones or SOMETHING that is prohibiting me from losing weight, right? Nope. All is normal. (That news, although great, was very discouraging because deep down I was hoping there was some sort of medical reason for my 9-month plateau).

I started having horrible foot pain on Sunday morning that hasn't gone away. I'm limping and it hurts to walk. So taking out all my frustration at the gym is a big NO right now. I thought about doing the bike but any foot movement is painful. (And this stresses me out because all I can think of is another medical bill).

I'm just having a rough time with this section of my life. I've pretty much accepted that I'll be single for a while. I've accepted that single parents struggle financially and that I'm blessed to be able to pay my bills on time. I've accepted a lot of things.

But I do NOT accept being fat. I figure that's the one damned thing I should be able to change. And my body is fighting against me.

Or is it just that I'm not doing enough? That I'm not consistent and I am not being honest with myself about my level of commitment. Maybe I'm not trying all that hard.

But I honestly think I am. And that's what makes me so pissed off.

I'm trying. And getting no results.

Then I binge like yesterday. And I feel like I'm back to the drawing board.

What can I do?

Well, I think it's time to start going back to OA meetings. I saw an OA friend at a church I was visiting yesterday and I took that as a sign.

I also think that maybe I just need to simplify things a bit. I'm overwhelmed with juicing and clean eating and no sugar and low carb and acidic foods vs alkaline foods, etc. I've learned so much that I feel the need to implement EVERYTHING. But I can't. It's expensive and time consuming. I'm running low on time and money. So I've got to find some type of happy medium.

I haven't weighed in over a week, and I'm not sure I want to. But I think I need to.

Not sure what to do about that.

I definitely need to get back to prayer, and get God back into this. I was focused while fasting. But I've fallen off. Big time.

I'm not quitting. I just have to get the courage to get back on the wagon. It's harder than it seems sometimes.