Sunday, December 8, 2013

Addiction



My name is Hollie, and I'm a compulsive overeater, a food addict, and sugar addict.

This is my reality. And it's time that I started dealing with this again, or else I'm going to be over 300 lbs again before I know it.

A week ago, I celebrated one year of continuously striving for weight loss and a healthy lifestyle. I was feeling pretty good, I had a plan of action, and I was ready to make things happen.

Then, something happened. I had a death in the family. I had to deal with some emotions brought on from someone in my past. Work was stressful. Add to that the already high level of tension I am feeling from being a single parent who is struggling financially through the holiday season and it happened.

The binging started Wednesday. And it didn't end until today.

I guess I am thankful that I'm able to recognize what's happening, but it feels awful nonetheless. A friend suggested writing in a journal, and after a short time of writing yesterday I had to admit to myself that I just can't handle sugar.

See, last December when I got started, I also began attending Overeater Annonymous meetings. I didn't realize that compulsive overheating and sugar addiction was so real until I started attending those meetings. And remember, I stayed clean (sugar free) for 90+ days. But during that time, I was also attending meetings. When soccer started this spring, I stopped going to the meetings and the sugar crept back in.

I didn't see it as a problem. I was in control. I had a 'cheat' here and there... No big deal.

Fast forward 8 months. I indulge in sugary treats whenever I want, and even when I try to abstain, I still fail to keep sweets out of my diet. And now I'm binging again.

I have come to the conclusion that many people in my OA meetings already know... I just can't have it. Sweet, sugary treats are not just something I can enjoy on occasion. I'm going to have to eliminate them entirely. At least for a while. Maybe someday after the weight is off and I've maintained a while, I can add occasional sweets back in. But right now... It's cold turkey.

My addicted brain tells me to wait until New Years, but I already made it through last years holiday season with no treats, so I know I can do it again. I just don't want to. But I have to.

I recalculated my macros on myfitnesspal and also lowered my calories a bit from what I got on the IIFYM website. I'm going to try it for a week and see how it goes.

I know that once I get clean I will feel better, but right now I feel awful. Mentally and physically. I'm really struggling with EVERYTHING right now and I hate that feeling. Please pray that I can get through these next few days of detox.