Monday, March 18, 2013

Hitting a wall...

This morning, I really felt compelled to write... to pour out all my frustrations and to get out my feelings via this blog.

I'm frustrated. I've hit a wall. 

A plateau? So soon?

I mean, I knew that getting past 270 would be hard, but hell... I can't permanently stay away from 280!

Two weeks ago, I dipped down to 278. I was thrilled! But just a few days later, the scale was back at 283. I laughed it off... I'd had a little too much to drink at Bunco, ate some salty dip. But no biggie. Lots of water and clean eating would have that 5 lbs off in no time! Right?

Um... no. The scale has been between 280-281 for over a week.

What. The. Hell?

Thing is... I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. I have kicked up my exercise... instead of 3-4 days per week, I'm exercising 5-6 days. It may not be at the gym, but I'm hiking, walking, and even doing Wii Fit. I'm drinking plenty of water. I'm eating clean. I'm still sugar-free and mostly low-carb. Eating fruit, veggies and lean meat. I've cut my wine intake to a couple of days a week when I've had a very low-carb day. I have cut down on eating out.

But the scale still won't budge.

But... I'm getting to the point where I don't care what the damned thing says.

I KNOW that I've made permanent changes that are positively impacting my overall health. My size 18/20 clothes still fit. Not just from Lane Bryant, but from other stores (I went to try on clothes to make sure). I FEEL amazing... I don't get out of breath, my indigestion/heart burn is gone. My self-esteem is up. And I just feel better about myself and my life. I'm happy.

But the scale pisses me off. It makes me doubt. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong? Will the weight loss just STOP? What if eating healthy and exercise isn't enough?

Right now, I'm happy with my overall diet. I eat clean. I'm satisfied. No sugar cravings or binging. I could truly eat like this for the rest of my life. But what if it's not enough? Do I need to starve myself, or do something else extreme? I really don't want to... I want this to be enough. I know I can keep this up, and everything else just leads to failure.

I don't want to fail at this. Never again.

So as of TODAY, I'm putting the scale away for a little while. I don't need the doubt and negative feelings.

I am going on vacation tomorrow, and that itself makes me feel a little unsure. I don't PLAN on eating bad, but it's hard when you're on the road with four kids and your food is not entirely in your control. I'm taking plenty of meal bars and healthy snacks. I'm not entirely worried, but I am going to be careful. My one rule and guideline that I will not break is no sweets, no bread. Those rules help me stay in control. Otherwise, I will have fun and won't be stressed about food.

Honestly, the food part doesn't rule my life anymore. But why do I still let the scale and that stupid number get to me? Habit, I guess. The scale should be a tool... that's it. But for me, it's so much more. And I have to get a grip on that. But I'm really disappointed that I probably won't meet my 10-lb goal for March...

I found out a few days ago that a good friend of mine has cancer. My heart breaks for her and her sweet family. But it is just one more reminder that life is short, and it's not guaranteed. Good health should not be taken for granted. At the end of the day, this journey is about health. Mental and physical health. It's not abot wearing a size 10, or getting to a certain number on the scale. It's about being healthy enough to live he fullest life I can for ME. It's about loving myself enough to make sacrifices and to get control of bad habits that I've carried around for a lifetime. I'm worth it. Finally, I see that.

So, with my true intentions in mind and reaffirmed, I am going to enjoy my vacation. I am going to LIVE and remember that I now lead a healthy lifestyle. I'm going to pay attention to the food I use to fuel my body. And I'm going to move as much as possible (there's a gym at my hotel!). Next week, I'm going to continue to eat clean, drink my water, and exercise. I'm going to pay attention to my food and eliminate the occassional salty snacks and diet soda. I'm going to increase the amount of veggies I eat, and continue to drink plenty of water.

I will not be discouraged. And I believe that I can get past this plateau.