Sunday, January 13, 2013

Filling the Black Hole

I guess it would be fair to say that my life has sort of fallen apart this last week. After more than six months of trying to reconcile with my ex-husband, I decided that it just wasn't working. I know he was trying, but I just wasn't happy. I'm not ready for a relationship... Not with him. Not with anyone. Hollie just wants to be with Hollie right now.

The breakup has caused major stress, though. Needless to say, Mr. Leonard was NOT happy about my decision. And unfortunately, other bad stuff has resurfaced. It makes me sad, but I stand behind my decision.

The decision to do what's best for me. Because I truly believe that when I'm happy, my kids are happy.

I haven't talked much about this to anyone, but I have been attending Overeater's Anonymous. I truly think it's what has helped me stay sugar/white flour free for almost six weeks. I'm treating my obsession with food as an addiction, because I believe it is. And the support of the group of people with my same illness is very helpful.

At the OA meeting I attended on Thursday night, the speaker talked about the "black hole" that once was her life, and how she spent so much time trying to fill that hole with food, bad relationships, etc. I totally identified with her. I think that by filling my soul with good things and positive relationships, there is no longer room to for food. Even with the sadness of ending a relationship, my soul still feels full. Full of God, full of love for my children, full of a satisfying career, full of friends who care about me...

I am changing for the better. And the pounds that I'm losing is just a result of the work I'm doing on myself from the INSIDE. Suddenly, eating right is so much easier. If you told me two months ago that I'd be almost 6 weeks sugar free, I wouldn't have believed you. But here I am.

I know it's hard for him to understand, but ending this relationship is just part of the transformation. The old Hollie was scared to be alone. She would rather settle for 50% happiness from another person than risk having to go 100% by herself.

Not this Hollie. I am strong. I love myself now. I am worth so much more than settling for anything less than 100%. Life is too short for regret. And I know in my heart that everything will be alright.

The scale is still holding steady at 294 which is fine. I haven't been to the gym in a week (since I lost my gym partner in the breakup, and since my evenings are busy now that I'm in single mom mode). But no excuses... Tomorrow, I have promised daughter and her friend and my nephew that we could start going to the gym after school. My evenings are clear all next week, so this is totally possible.

I had a NSV yesterday... I was able to fit into a pair of new pants that I found in a box. I bought them over a year ago on clearance, but when I got them home they didn't fit. I only paid $8 for them, so I just put them up in hopes that I could wear them one day. And yesterday was that day!

Many people on Facebook have been asking to see what I eat everyday. Well, I snap pictures occasionally, and decided to start posting some on the end of the blog for those who wish to take a look. If you're on My Fitness Pal, you can add me as a friend (SkinnyHollie) and view my diary whenever you wish, too.

This is tilapia with broccoli and sweet potato fries. (441 calories). I suddenly love fish... I eat this dinner a lot, minus the sweet potato fries. I only allow myself to have those about once per week. But I eat a lot of broccoli and fish.

This is a chicken breast and french green beans drizzled with Alfredo sauce. (270 cal for the whole dinner - only 2 carbs for that sauce). I rarely eat chicken anymore, but this was ok. And I love these green beans from Trader Joe's.

And this is my typical breakfast... 3 slices of turkey bacon and a 2-egg omelet stuffed with reduced fat cheese and spinach. And coffee (sweetened with 1 packet of Splenda and 3 tbs half and half). 424 Calories.

Ive mailed off all my three books that have been given away... and I'll be posting another one soon!