Saturday, November 17, 2012

Starting Over


It seems as if I've quit again, so as a result, I'm starting over again.

Back to the basics. Face on the floor. Begging my body for forgiveness.

Again.

On Thursday, I got an amazing text from my friend Crys. She had reached onederland. I actually shed a tear or two, because I was so happy for her. But at the same time, I was totally disgusted with the fact that I was eating my 10th piece of candy for the day as I was envying my friends progress. It was a slap in the face.

Have you ever seen one of those Lifetime movies about someone with multiple personalities? One where the lady (or man) slips from one personality to another, then runs to the mirror only to find that they've committed some horrible act while they were that other person. And then they are just sick because they have to fix whatever problem fast before anyone notices? Or they wonder WHO has already noticed?

Yeah... that's how I felt. I looked in the mirror and was horrified at the person who looked back at me.

Why have I let myself do this AGAIN? Why do I trick myself into thinking I'm in control, when obviously I'm not. My pants are tight, my leg is swollen, my feet, back and legs hurt all the time. And my indigestion is horrible. But I still eat the candy. And drink the sweet tea. And eat that second helping.

Thursday night was rough. Not only did I have to face the facts about spiraling out of control about my diet, I had to re-live and evaluate other personal areas of my life, too. It's not hard to put two and two together... My personal issues are directly related to my weight gain and lack of control. I'm emotional eating like crazy and I know it.

So what's the solution? I have to fix me. From the inside out. I have to stop ignoring the obvious. I have to take control of all aspects of my life. And it's going to be hard. So hard that I doubted at first if I am strong enough to do it. Thank GOD for friends who remind me that I'm strong enough to do anything I put my mind to. And I'm worth it.

As much as I would like a magic wand to erase the mistakes I've made over the past few months, I know it's going to to be a slow process with lots of hard work. I can deal with that. I'm ready to do something. I can't just eat myself to death because I don't want to face the hard issues in my life.

It's time to do something.