Thursday, July 19, 2012

Day 61 - Throwing in the Towel

Yesterday was a bad day... one of those days where you cry so much that you have to take your contacts out because your eyes are so swollen and puffy.

It started at 6 a.m.

I actually jumped up out of bed, pretty excited. It was day 60 of my challenge... time to weigh in and take measurements. I have also been taking progress pictures with just bra and panties... My daughter helped me take the pictures, which I quickly downloaded and compared to last months, and the ones I took on my start day.

Once again, I could tell NO difference. So, thinking my eyes had deceived me, I measured. SURELY I had lost some inches, right?

Nope. No change in my chest or waist. I lost one inch in my thigh area...

But by then I'd already lost it.

SIXTY DAMNED DAYS OF DIET AND EXERCISE FOR WHAT? NOTHING?

I know that I'm not perfect, but I also know that I haven't been this consistent in years. I count every calorie.I drink my shakes. I go to the gym 3 - 5 times per week. I lift weights.

I have been doing everything I am supposed to do, with no results.

The scale showed a TWO POUND loss, which is really great since it hasn't moved in a month, but I was too upset to celebrate.

Disgusted.
Discouraged.
Disappointed.
Damaged.
Damned?

It totally ruined my day. What else can I do?

I got so much encouragement on Facebook, and from my BFF's that I texted, but I still feel felt like a complete failure.

Am I just destined to be fat? Is it time to just throw in the towel and admit defeat?

Hell, no. As mad as I was am, I am still not going to quit. I am doing something wrong, and I am just mad enough right now to keep trying to find it.

I did some really hard reflection. I eat out too much. I could be more strict with my calories. I re-calculated my calories based on NROL, and they recommend the same amount that MFP does, so that's right (I think).

So my next step... eliminating/reducing refined sugar. I REALLY was trying to avoid it, but it just seems inevitable. I just don't think my body can function with it anymore and lose weight at the same time. Diabetes runs in my family... maybe that's it? Not really sure, and since I'm uninsured, I can't go to the doctor and get anything checked. I just know that I at least need to try.

Not really sure what to do about the Vi-shakes, either. Is it a coincidence that the ONE TIME in a month that the scale moves is after I stop the shakes? That is the only thing I changed about my diet last week... But I miss them so much. I bought other protein powder... two different kinds... and neither does it for me like the Vi-shakes. I don't know what to do about that...

But I do know that starting tomorrow, I have sugar rules. For 30 days...

1. no added sugar
2. fruit is allowed
3. protein powder is allowed (the Vi-shakes and the protein powder I have on hand has very little sugar)
3. no white stuff (sugar, bread, rice, potatoes)

After 30 days (enough time to detox, hopefully), I will add back whole grains and allow myself the occasional sweet treat (if I still want it by then).

Just like my friend, Crys, told me yesterday... if it's the sugar that is keeping my from losing weight, I will know right away after I eliminate it. I should start losing fairly quickly, especially if I keep up my exercise routine.

Even though I know it's going to be hard, and even though I have tricked myself into believing that I would not have to eliminate anything in my diet to lose weight... I am praying this works.

Something has to give over the next 30 days. I can't take another experience like yesterday.