Monday, February 13, 2012

So tired of being fat...*but*

I am struggling... again.

And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The one word that keeps popping into my head is "addiction". I know I am addicted to food. I have grown up  around countless drug addicts and even a few alcoholics. Including my ex-husband. And so many times I feel so frustrated at them because I just couldn't understand why they can't stop. Even with interventions, family support, medical intervention... you name it. And they won't stop. Even when it means death. Even when it means losing everything they have. They can't/won't stop using.

I feel like I understand that struggle right now. I have all the tools, and I was doing so well. But something happened last week, and I just started sliding downhill on my face. And I still can't seem to get it together.

Saturday night, after two long days at a region wrestling tournament (where I ate badly the whole time), I had a meltdown while trying to explain to my Love how frustrated I felt. How out of control I am. And how bad I hate being fat. Why can't I just keep it together? Why can't I stay in control? I swear I want it... but I guess just not bad enough.

I am discouraged, and very disappointed in myself. But I am not going to give up. I have 2 1/2 more months as a Slim-Fast ambassador, and I will get 40 lbs off by my birthday if it kills me! I know it's not too late... I just need to get it together.

I am going to pray about it tonight. Hard. And if you are they praying type, please pray for me, too.