Monday, January 23, 2012

Bad enough...


I really want to reach my weight loss goals this year. I want it REALLY BAD... Bad enough that I have really been evaluating myself and looking back at some of the reasons that I keep failing at my diet and exercise goals. This list is soooooooooooo long. It just doesn't make sense.

But one thing I think I am ready to admit. I don't know if I've REALLY wanted it bad enough. I mean, really wanted it bad enough to make changes that are uncomfortable long-term. I guess the main reason for this is the fact that I am too comfortable being fat. As UNCOMFORTABLE as being fat is PHYSICALLY, there is a part of me that finds comfort in it MENTALLY. It's the only way I know how to be. I've NEVER been thin. I have ALWAYS BEEN OBESE. ALWAYS. Even as a small child.

A part of me hates admitting this... sounds crazy. But I think I need to go through this process. If I don't, I will repeat the same patterns that has kept me at this weight for such a long time.

This weekend, I was in prayer for so many people who are sick and so close to death. People struggling with diabetes and cancer. And of course I am still struggling with my mom's situation. But one thing that really hit me at church on Sunday is just how BLESSED I am to be healthy. After treating my body like crap for my entire life (I've known better for the last 10 years at least), I am still healthy and do not have any health conditions related to obesity. Blessed, I tell you! But I can't keep expecting to stay this way... I am getting older, and obesity is going to catch up with me sooner than later.

Last night I sat down and penciled in workout times for this week. No matter how crazy my evenings are, I HAVE TO START MAKING EXERCISE HAPPEN. NO excuses. Even for just 30 minutes. Something is better than nothing, right?

So today I was able to get 45 minutes in. My eating has been good today, too, so I feel pretty successful. I am really finding myself struggling with hunger/cravings during the past week, but I am holding strong. I think a lot of it is stress-related, but yesterday I got to rest and relax after church and that felt so good. This evening I only had to go to the gym and pick up my nephew from practice, so I am glad to get the evening off. I won't get another evening off until MAYBE Friday. But I still have workouts planned for Tues, Wed, and Friday. I will make it happen because I want it bad enough.