Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Changing the plan...

I have been avoiding my blog like the plague. My blog is where my weight-loss honesty hits me in the face. When FatHollie is hiding from SkinnyHollie, she avoids the blog. Blog = Truth.

Over the past week, I have been blogging in my head. Just now, tonight, have I decided to finally put it on the line. I am ready to change my plan... again. But this is a new plan... one I've never tried before.

A few months ago, I was given a book by a dear friend. I read the first few chapters, agreed with pretty much everything it said. Then I put it down, got busy, and forgot about it. Until about a week ago. I picked it back up, and I think it was meant for me to do so.

I rarely talk about my relationship with God on this blog. But I will today... just because my relationship with God is now going to coincide with my relationship with food and my weight loss journey.

Someone suggested this book to me in the comments section of my blog a while back, and then my friend bought it for me after I mentioned it several times. I ready the reviews, and it seemed like it would be profound. You see, my relationship with God has been an area of my life that I HAVE been working on during the past year. I am back in church, and have found a lot of friends and support there. For someone like me, having that kind of lifeline has been great. I basically have no family, and very few friends. So my church family is a big part of my life and my children's lives.

But before reading this book, I never really thought about leaning on a higher power for help with my weight loss journey. But I will now. I have officially asked the ladies in my Sunday school class to pray for me about this, and now I am putting it on here to make it official.

Chapter 6 of the book is titled, "Growing Close to God", and it really spoke to me. To the core.

"(this journey) is about learning to tell myself no and learning to make wiser choices daily. And somehow becoming a woman of self-discipline honors God and helps me live the godly characteristic of self-control."

"...when food is what Satan holds up in front of us and says, "You'll never be free from this battle. You will always bounce from feeling deprived when you're dieting to feeling guilty when you're splurging. Victory isn't possible. You aren't capable of self-control with food," we must see that its inappropriate consummation can be his lure to draw our heart into a place of defeat."

"I need power beyond what I can find on my own."

"Food can fill our stomachs but never our souls."

"...if we find that certain foods are impossible to walk away from...we can't or won't deny ourselves an unhealthy choice in order to make a healthier choice...then it's a clue we are being ruled by this food on some level."

Do you get the drift?

I have felt my brain changing, and I am already making better choices. I am not "back on plan", but I am getting there. I am ready to commit to making positive changes, even if it's just steps in the right direction. I am basically undertaking a spiritual and physical journey at the same time, and that thought is still scary to me. I now see clearly that it's Satan that tells me over and over that I can't get to my destination in either journey. But if I've learned anything, I've learned that Satan is a liar.

I can't count the people in my life that are just waiting for me to fail. Fail at being a good mom. Fail at my career. Fail at maintaining my household. Fail at being happy. Fail at being healthy. Sometimes it seems that everyone wants me to fail, and I let those thoughts play with my head. Sadly, because my own mother is one of my biggest critics, I have had a negative self-image and outlook about myself and my abilities for a long time.

I have made the decision to stop letting these people win! I fight so hard in every other aspect of my life, so now it's time to start fighting for my health. And really, it IS about health at this point. I will never have a bikini-perfect body. I don't even want to be skinny anymore. I want to be healthy, and I want to show my children that they can be healthy, too. Spiritually, mentally, and physically healthy.

It's time for me to believe in myself, and believe that God can help me get ANYWHERE I want to be. It's time for me to change the plan.