Thursday, January 20, 2011

This is what happens...

Right now I feel.... raw?

Over the last week, I have not had a binge day. Since making crappy choices last weekend, I decided on making good choices this week. Every morning so far, I have got up, made my IsaLean shake, filled a water bottle each with my Ionix and my Cleanse, and brewed a cup of coffee to go. I sip my shake on the way to school (I have to stop at 3 schools before I get to mine to drop all my kids off). Then I drink my coffee while my students arrive. During the course of the morning, I sip my Ionix and my Cleanse drinks.

We go to lunch at 11:50. By the time I get trays for my students in wheelchairs, it is around 12:00 before I sit down to eat myself (with my students). This week, I brought my lunch once... leftovers from dinner the night before. The other two days, I chose to eat a meal replacement bar. Usually somewhere after lunch and before I leave for the day, I will have an IsaDelight (dark chocolate with green tea... love these!). I drink 1 - 2 bottles of water. I feel like this is a good day, overall.

When I get home, I do okay. Not perfect eating... but just okay. I don't overeat... I don't binge. I don't even snack. I've been cooking dinner for my family, so I usually eat a little bit of that. Yesterday we had dinner at church, and I had a salad and a piece of fried chicken (the smell reeled me in). I'm not making excuses, but I think overall, I am doing much better. I feel like I am making conscious choices when it comes to food. I stop eating when I am full. Good, right?

But it seems like each day that goes by, I get into a deeper reflective mode. This is what happens, I guess, when you actually start THINKING instead of just BEING. I've been on this path for quite a while where I just roll through the day, not really thinking about anything in particular, but just trying to make it through the day. But by starting each day this week by being DELIBERATE, that is, making a CHOICE to eat a proper breakfast and to follow my cleansing plan, I feel like it is helping me stay more focused during the day.

It is also making me reflect on a lot of things I want to change in my life. Things I don't really want to deal with, but things that are necessary to face.

My weight loss has so much more to do with what is going on in my head, than what I put in my mouth everyday. If anything, what goes on in my head is the root of my bad food choices and binge-eating behavior. For a long time, food has been my psychiatrist. It allows me to drown myself in calories instead of facing the real problems.

My younger sister got out of jail about a week and a half ago. She stayed with me last weekend, and for the first time... ever?... we talked about some deep childhood issues. About how I was treated by my mother, and how she was treated by my father. And about how I was the ugly, fat sister and she was the beautiful, skinny model. And we talked with no accusations or judgment, but just about how things were. Bad or good. I hope my sister stays on the right track and gets her life together. I will love and take care of her son regardless... but I DO wish her well. And I will treasure the talks we had last weekend. I wonder if she knows how much that experience is helping me move forward?

I am trying to fix the inside of myself, as well as the outside. Mentally and physically, I have a lot of changes to make this year.