Sunday, May 9, 2010

Peaceful...

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there in blogland! I hope your day was filled with love and happy times. I know that my day was very peaceful, and I enjoyed spending it with my kids.
The past few days have really been a time of reflection for me. Right now, tonight, although I have a lot of issues that I am dealing with concerning my life as I know it, I feel at peace with myself. Wow... I almost forgot how that felt.

Let me back up a little bit... oh, let's start on Wednesday. My mood dropped very low on Wednesday. I looked forward to hanging out with a friend of mine for Cinco de Mayo, and at the last minute the plans changed. I admit, my feelings were kinda hurt because of the circumstances, and I immediately got depressed. Maybe it's because I had been binging all day.... I felt fat, disgusting, and rejected by my friend. Honestly, I binged until I was sick. I vomited until Thursday morning, and was even late for work because I was so nauseous.

I trudged through Thursday, and got off from work early on Friday because it was an in-service day (no students). I have been wanting to read my book (Women Food and God by Geneen Roth), so I decided to take some time to read and sunbathe a little in my back yard since the day was so beautiful. I was craving sunshine and there was plenty to go around! I read about half of that book, and let me be the first to tell you it is an awesome book. I could identify with about 90% of what she was saying, and it just made me so emotional.

I just sat out there thinking for a while - just why am I so unable to love myself? Why do I set myself up for failure? Why do I accept failure in my life? Why do I settle for less than what I am worth? Why am I killing myself with food?

My mind has been in "reflection" mode since then, and I have been really thinking about my life a lot this weekend. My circumstances are not the best at this time in my life, but they could be so much worse. I am a strong woman. I deserve so much more than I settle for. I am so close to achieving my goal of being a teacher and completing my Master's degree. My children are healthy and happy and well behaved. I have a nice home and even though it's a struggle, I pay my bills on time and my car is dependable. I might not have much, but I have a lot more than some people out there. I am blessed.

I have allowed my weight to define who I am for so long. Just because I fail at weight loss does not mean I am a failure as a person. I have just made myself believe that for way too long. Every time I am successful at weight loss, I start letting the bad thoughts about myself creep back in. I tell myself that I can't do it for the long-term, or that I am not meant to be thin.

I also use my fat as protection. When I am fat, I feel unattractive, and I don't have to worry about men approaching me. I don't have to worry about my appearance, or how my clothes look because fat people are invisible, right? Sometimes I just like being invisible... I just want to blend in.

But sometimes I want to feel pretty. It's kinda nice to look in the mirror and like what you see looking back at you. I hate the feeling of being embarrassed and horrified at my reflection.

I went out on Friday and bought myself a new outfit. I have been waiting "until I lose weight" to buy myself something, but I decided that I wanted something NOW. I was pleased that I could wear a size 22 in everything I tried on. My top is even an 18/20.

Just for kicks I rolled my hair last night and put on makeup. I feel funny admitting this, but I thought I looked good. From the neck up, that is...

Today I cooked for Mother's day because my mom and best friend were supposed to come over. Neither showed up. But that didn't stop me from having a great day. And guess what else? I didn't over-eat.

As a matter of fact - I have been binge-free since Wednesday. I have been only eating when I am hungry, and I have been making good choices. Today, I made a pie and it didn't send me over the edge. I was able to put it away without one thought of binging. I actually have a lot of left-overs in the 'fridge for tomorrow. Although I was a little sad that my mom and my friend didn't show up for my little cookout, it didn't ruin my day. It didn't make me binge on all the delicious food I had cooked. I just moved on and let it go. I will take that pie to work tomorrow and let my co-workers enjoy it. I don't even want it.

Right now I feel peace regarding food. It's really a strange feeling for me. Today I just felt happy for who I am right now - not who I will be when I am finally "on plan" or "sticking to my diet". Today, I almost feel as if I can do this - as if I am going to "get it" and achieve my goals. Not just for weight loss - but for everything I want to do in life! Right now.

If only for tonight, I feel at peace with ME. And my weight doesn't have anything to do with it.