Monday, May 3, 2010

Mirror, mirror

Wow... it's been a CRAZY weekend. I am sure most of you have heard about the record-breaking rain and flooding in Tennessee. Our area has received almost 14 inches of rain in two days! We have basically been flooded-in since Saturday morning. Schools were closed today because our town (and most of Middle TN) is under water. We are blessed, and our home was fine. The roads around our house were really bad, though. I got out for about 30 minutes Sunday morning to go to the grocery store because there was a brief pause in the rain. I am glad I did... I barely got home beforethe bottom fell out and the flooding started again. The picture above is less than a mile from my house.

Friday, I had a really ROUGH day. It started with an incident at work, and pretty much went down hill from there. Because of the incident at school (that I can't discuss because it involves a student), the teacher I work with and I were given permission to go out to lunch to "get away" from the building. The rest of the teachers/staff at the school had got to go out to lunch for "Spring Fling"earlier in the week, but since we work in Alternative, we were unable to go until then.

Remember how I'd already packed my lunch and tallied my calories for the day? Um, yeah. Well, I thought I could actually GO to lunch, so I could get some fresh air (Friday was BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE), and just sip on a diet coke, or get a salad. I had already eat the lunch I'd packed.

We get to the restaurant, and we were seated in the outside patio area. I sat down at the table, looked to my left, and saw the reflection of a GROSS, FAT, DISGUSTING woman staring back at me. There, in a window, was MY reflection. I was so shocked, I almost started crying. Right now, just typing this, makes me sick to my stomach again. The reflection was me, and at that moment, I hated myself.

In my mind, I am NOT disgusting. In my mind I am not that fat. When I am eating healthy food and exercising, I FEEL thin. I never really feel like I am morbidly obese. I feel average, and sometimes even pretty.

As hard as it was for me, I kept glancing at my reflection and I hated what kept looking back at me. A fat, disgusting mess of a woman who had just let herself go. I was so disappointed, so hurt, and so sad that I just wanted to crawl into a hole and starve myself until I looked like a decent-sized human being.

Now I know why I avoid mirrors.

Needless to say, it ruined my day. And probably my weekend...

Because of the rain, and being stuck in the house, I have been allowed to wallow in my depression and negative-self-worth for two days. It has been dark and gloomy and my mood has matched. I haven't been eating bad because I am still striving to feed my kids healthy food, and there is still no junk in the house. But I have been so down over it. Sorry, but that's just the truth.

Sometimes I feel like my efforts at losing weight are just hopeless. I am just too fat, and there is no way I acn beat this. Why even try?

But there is something in me that won't allow me to give up. I just can't do it.

I woke up to sunshine and blue skies this morning. I am going to venture out in a little while to take a long walk and see if that won't help clear the cobwebs in my head.

Sorry for the debbie-downer post - but this is my reality today. This is a part of my journey, unfortunately...

And I also know about positive affirmations and how I need to stop the negative self-talk. It's just not happening at this point. I am working on it, though.