This weekend was AWESOME. Overall, the last week I really felt like my life is finally moving in the right direction. I have mental peace about everything, and the sadness and depression is going away. I am FINALLY finding peace with my food choices, and at the same time am finding peace with myself.
On Saturday night I went out with a friend. The whole thing made me a little nervous, because going out seems to be "one of those things I don't do anymore." For a while, I felt like the good times were out of control. I reeled myself in, and have just stayed there for a while. But this weekend, I was just in the mood to get out and have fun, and that's just what I did.
I had a new outfit that I'd bought for a Mother's Day gift to myself, so I got all dressed up - hair, makeup, etc. I felt so pretty. I really loved my shirt and the way my makeup looked.... (my friend only uses MAC cosmetics, and has a collection that a makeup artist would envy! Whenever we go out, I always use her makeup...). I wore really cute heels and felt like a million bucks.
We hopped around to several different parties and had a blast! I didn't eat the usual crap, kept the alcohol to a bare minimum, and still had SUCH a good time.
One thing kept coming up, though. Everywhere we went, women kept telling me that I was beautiful. When men approach me, I usually don't pay attention because they usually just want to get in your pant, lol. But these were random women that I didn't even know that were complimenting me - and seemed sincere! Even my best friend looked at me at times and would say, "you look exceptionally beautiful tonight."
Ordinarily, I don't know how to accept a compliment, but on that night, when I said "thank you" I really meant it. It made me feel awesome.
At one party we went to, this really pretty woman came over to me and said, "you are so pretty! I love how confident you are - you really are an example for us big girls that we look just as good as those skinny girls!"
So I asked my friend yesterday (as we were re-capping the great night we had) if she thought I seemed confident.
"Yes - whenever you're dressed up and go out, you are confident as hell. Only people who really know you know that you struggle with it..."
She is so right. But at least I can fake it til I make it, right?
I have been toying with the idea of doing a sugar detox again. Yum Yucky did one last week, and she has inspired me to JUST DO IT.
So last night I went to the grocery, and there was a table with cake right by the cash register. Small containers with two slices of cake - coconut cake. I decided I wanted it and thought - one last piece... (story of my life, right?)
I got home, ate dinner and after the kiddos went to bed, I went to the kitchen for my cake.
But I didn't want it.
The behavior was just too familiar. Sneak in the kitchen for my binge after the kids go to bed... then feel like crap after I eat it.
But the cake is there... just waiting for me! What will happen if I don't eat it? Just go to bed without it?
It will just stay on the counter, that's what!
I was full... I was satisfied (mentally and physically). I didn't want the cake anymore, and didn't feel obligated to eat it just because it was there. It is still on my counter. If I want it later, I will eat it and feel no guilt. But the fact that I left it there last night was such a NSV.
I didn't track this weekend, but felt like I did well. The scale was up .2 this morning from Friday morning's weight, so that's good. It means that I didn't over-do it this weekend. I was able to have fun and stay binge-free. I made good choices, and feel great.
Did I mention that I've been binge-free since May 6? Yeah... that is an awesome feeling!