Monday, April 26, 2010

Reasons why I am fat + Goals update

Reasons why I am fat:

1.    I grew up eating poorly. My childhood diet consisted of Cheetos and Pepsi. No water, no veggies, no balanced meals. It has taken a long time to get to a point where I am today. I STILL don’t like most vegetables, and it is still a challenge for me to eat clean and healthy foods over processed junk.
2.    I started binge-eating when I was very small (maybe 4 -5). Growing up being physically and emotionally abused, I think I used binging as a way to “numb” and “comfort” myself. Curling up with a HUGE bowl of cereal was (and sometimes still is) one of my favorite hobbies. I still struggle with binge-eating. And it still makes me feel like sh*t.
3.    I have poor self-esteem. I never feel 100% about myself or my appearance. I grew up being told that I was second-best. My sister was always the prettiest and the smartest. I was always fat and ugly. I could never do ANYTHING right. Anytime I was complimented on my appearance, it was always in addition to or in spite of being fat… “You are so pretty to be a big girl!” or “You would be so pretty if you lost weight.”
4.    I am too comfortable with my fatness. This is the way I have always been. It (so far) is just a part of who I am. I have NO IDEA what it would be like to be thin. It’s hard to strive to be something that is so unknown to you.
5.    I am lazy. Eating right and exercises are hard work. Sometimes I just can’t get the energy or effort to JUST DO IT. Sitting on the couch is easy.
6.    Deep down, I don’t think I am worth it. Maybe this has to do with the self-esteem issues, but I am always the last person on my priority list. If it’s for my kids, I will do it. But for me? Not so much… 
7.    I have too much on my plate (literally and figuratively, lol). I have three children that I currently raise alone. I work full-time and go to school full-time. All three children play soccer, and I try to allow them to participate in any extracurricular activities they choose. Sometimes there just isn’t enough hours in the day… I am tired.
8.    I love food. I am happy when I can eat what I want. I love having a great meal that tastes wonderful!
9.    I am addicted to food. I use food when I want to get “high”. I use it to celebrate. I use it when I am sad or angry. Sometimes I hate myself because I can’t stop eating when I am supposed to. Why can’t I stop at one portion? Why can’t I stop when I am full? Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I beat this?
10.    I am not consistent. I, admittedly, am guilty of NEVER following through with my weight-loss goals. I can do well for a short time, but I always get distracted and I always get off track. It’s either all or nothing for me. I never feel like I can get past a day that is not 100% on track. One meal, one BITE that’s not on plan means I have FAILED for that day. Mentally, I just can’t get past that.

So what does all this mean? I don’t know. Just typing this out (and I guess the act of being honest with myself) just makes me want to cry. I feel very sad right now. Very defeated.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to weight loss. I just can’t make it “click” this time.

But right now, I am just REALLY trying my best to take small steps and to STICK WITH THEM.


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Goals:

My family and I are still eating healthy food. This weekend went well. I allowed everyone to choose a treat on Friday (which is the day we decided to have “treat day”). The kids were happy with their treat, and I think it is ok to allow them a splurge each week. Like I’ve said before, Rome wasn’t built in a day. As long as we are eating healthy 80% of the time, I think we are making strides. I am still packing lunches, which takes up time but is worth it.

I didn’t walk as much as I would have liked last week… only three days, 105 minutes. The weather has been yucky again. But I will not quit! I will keep working toward my goal and will try to walk every day until it becomes a habit!

I am also still working on tracking my food. I did well Thursday, and didn’t get past breakfast on Friday! Damn!

So far I have tracked everything today. I don’t have the calories written in, but that’s ok. Right now, I am just trying to get into the habit of writing everything down. The calorie-counting part will come later.

So for this week, in addition to making healthy food choices for me and my family I will continue to work on:

1.    Exercise – walking 5 days for at least 30 minutes each time.
2.    Tracking – tracking everything I eat this week.

Even though my mind tells me to add extra goals, I am making myself hold off until I can get a handle on these. I know how I am – I want to do everything NOW. I am impatient. I want everything to be perfect. But I know what that leads to every time – failure. I get overwhelmed, and then I fall off the wagon. I swear I am trying to stop the old patterns.

I don’t care if it takes me YEARS to lose all this weight. I will not quit.