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Thursday, April 8, 2010

Let’s get real…

I do not want to be on a diet.

I am done.

Diet failure is doing more damage to my weight loss efforts than NOT being on a diet.

Let me be honest:

The week before I started Medifast I ate TERRIBLY. In my mind, I thought, “I better eat it now before I start my DIET.” I admit, the speed that I was losing weight with Medifast in the beginning made me feel GREAT. But when the scale didn’t move one day, and then crept up the next day, Medifast wasn’t fun anymore. I missed eating REAL food. I craved it and longed for it. When I finally caved in and fell off the wagon, I fell flat on my face. The binge was on again.

In my mind, I knew that since I had so much Medifast food stocked up, I would get back on it. I knew I had a weekend trip coming up last weekend – so I whole-heartedly decided that I would wait until I got back from out of town and then re-start. After hearing from the Medifast nutritionist who offered me another plan with more calories, I was really excited. But in my food-addicted mind, I just can’t get going. The drugs are too good and too powerful to turn away from.

I want to lose weight FAST. I want it to be GONE ASAP so I can look good this summer. Being on Medifast almost guarantees that I can lose weight fast, so that is why I want to make it work. But I have proven that if you go OFF the plan and BACK to bad eating, it will come back on just as fast as you lost it.

This little voice in my head says, “Admit it… Medifast just isn’t for you, Hollie.” But Hollie says, “But I have all of this Medifast food in my kitchen, and I feel like I owe it to the people of Medifast to at least try it again…”.

Bottom line… I don’t want to do it anymore. Over the past four days, I have been miserable just thinking about it! I feel like such a failure.

I have discovered Google Reader, which makes blog reading super easy! I have been reading so many blogs every day, and I read about people who are losing weight and are so happy. They are working out and eating filling, healthy food. They are not starving, and they are not miserable. But one thing they all have in common… they are committed.

Where is my commitment?

In this journey, I refuse to give up. But exactly how committed have I been over the past year?

Well, I had several months where my lifestyle involved a lot of eating out and booze. That’s when the scale started creeping up. But do you know when the scale JUMPED drastically? When I STOPPED drinking and started trying to lose weight fast! The PLANS I had to start this diet or that diet led to binge eating because... oh, well I am going on a diet!

Something has to give. This is NOT working for me.

Over the past few days, I have actually started going in the right direction on a few things… water and exercise. Just since yesterday, the scale dropped 3 lbs. I love to walk, and now that the weather is nice, I know walking will be my main form of exercise. Dawn from Fixing Myself Thinner has a walking challenge starting on Monday and I am in! I really want to get back into the gym to start building some muscle, but I have tossed around the idea of getting some heavier hand weights to have at the house. Or maybe some bands?

Drinking water also makes me feel so much better. I was drinking 100+ oz. per day and then just STOPPED. On Medifast, you are allowed to drink diet soda in moderation, so I started buying it again (after abstaining from diet soda for almost a year). So now guess what I am hooked on again? Diet soda. As of today, I have one more can of soda at home, and a few cans at work. I will not buy anymore. I will start drinking water again because it is good for me, and it helps me lose weight!

Now, I just have to figure out what to do about the food situation. One part of me already knows what I am going to do… I ordered a food journal from Amazon today. It’s just like the one Jen (Prior Fat Girl) had on her blog today.

I have three children – two daughters and one son. My daughters watch my diet habits like a HAWK. I was looking at my 12-year old today and she has gained SO much weight. She is now over 200 lbs. She asked me a month ago if I could start helping her, but at the time I was caught up in Medifast. I am sad right now just thinking about it because I know I need to set a better example for her. And for the baby, who at four years old already talks about losing weight and not being fat. What can I expect – that’s all I talk about!

But what do they see? They see their mom trying diets that make her miserable. They see me binge on candy and donuts. I preach being active, but sit on the couch playing Facebook games every afternoon. I don’t set the example. I tell them to do as I SAY, not as I DO. I have to show these kids how to have a healthy relationship with food. I have to help my daughter get healthy so 20 years from now she won’t struggle with weight like I do.

Mish from Eating Journey tweeted today,

“from this day forward I have decided to put my intuitive self first, I am committed to silencing doubt and acting in a way that honors me.”

This really hit a nerve. I must stop doubting what I can do. I have to start honoring myself. I have to believe I am worth it. I have to do this for me, and I have to do this to set an example for my children.

Sorry this post is all over the place. But these are the rambling, desperate thoughts that are going through my head right now...

22 comments:

  1. Aw, bless you, Hollie. You gave Medifast a try and realized it wasn't right for you. It's okay to let it go and don't waste any time feeling like a failure.

    You're *totally* doing the right by looking for what has worked and scrapping the stuff that hasn't worked. I also think you're on the right track by reading other people's blogs and getting ideas for what might work for you.

    Let go of the guilt and keep walking : )

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  2. Hi Hollie... I found your blog via google reader so that made me laugh just now when I read that you are using it too! haha... anyways... don't give up - but I agree that Medifast doesn't sound like the right program for you. I joined Weight Watchers on 3/1 and I'm loving it so far. I am totally addicted to learning about the program - it is so good for you and honestly, I haven't been hungry. I still get to eat as much as I want.. I'm down 5 pounds... so, its going slow, but I am changing the way I think about food... learning lots of good tricks. Ask any Doctor, they will tell you Weight Watchers is a great program. Anyways, here's another blog that I'm loving right now, check her out, she's very motivational: http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/

    and don't give up - my new favorite quote is: "Success is not about perfection, its about persistence." Give yourself 2 years to get this weight off - the time is going to go by anyways. xoxo

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  3. That's why its called a journey! You will have peaks and and valleys. Your blog is one of the reasons I am finally on track. You will find your way. Keep up the great work.

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  4. It took my a few tried to finally get to my breaking point and just do it. Once the weight start falling off you will want to push yourself harder. I am not dieting, I am just eating better for PCOS and myself. You can lose the weight, you can find it in youself to do it. You just have to realiz its not going to fall off over night!

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  5. You'll get there- I know you will. It takes time and patience and it sucks SO hard because you WANT IT GONE NOW but it's not going anywhere at your speed. I completely understand. I was looking at pictures of myself tonight where I had lost 50 pounds and I was still just MASSIVE and while I don't remember the frustration of it then, I look now and I look in the mirror now and think that I still have SO far to go and you get to a point where you just want to give up.....but you don't.

    Remember that it's more than just every day being a new day- every second is new. Every minute. Just because you have a doughnut for breakfast doesn't mean you're entire day is ruined. It means you had a doughnut for breakfast and that you'll eat a salad for lunch and go to the gym and eat a sensible dinner. It means that you had a momentary slip-up, not a 24 hour lapse in judgment.

    Start little. Just like the weight loss. You can't change absolutely everything in one day. It takes time but it will stay off longer and you'll feel better for it.

    My first suggestion is to get yourself to a gym on a regular basis now. MAKE yourself go exercise somewhere (outside, at a gym, ANYWHERE) at least 3 times a week if not more. I started out at 4 days a week. Force yourself to get up, don't make excuses and go. Even if you've got a headache, go- because the exercise will make your headache better. It's getting into the routine that's the hardest part. It's learning to make those changes. 99% of it is mental, 1% is physical. I hate to sound cliche, but you can do anything if you put your mind to it :)

    Thinking of you!

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  6. This really is a pivitol point for you Holly - I hope you reread this post over and over again and remember what you were feeling as you typed it because guess what? This is your life. There is no quick fix - this is you. You are the only one who can fight for it day by day. Every day. Even on the days when you wake up and think THIS SUCKS. Even on days when you see a skinny person eat McDonalds and think "Thats not fair!" You have to keep going.

    You are picking the right goals to have - water, walking & recording.

    Do this for your kids - show them the way to be healthy because you already know they are watching you. Do this for your kids so that they don't have to grow up and have the same struggle. Show them hard work pays off and it isn't about taking the easy way out.

    I believe in you Holly, I know you can do this! Email me if you need help.

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  7. I have an 11 year old who weighs around 212. I understand what you mean about setting an example.

    I hope you can find the path that works for you. Keep your chin up. :)

    Your friend,
    Amy aka that TOPS lady

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  8. Almost as important on this journey as finding what works for you is finding what doesn't. You tried it and you should be content with that.

    I've been really been thinking about trying MediFast, but it's such an investment that I'm not sure whether to take the leap. I do well when meals are provided, I know that from the past. If my meals are automated, I'm fine but I keep wondering if MediFast is for me. Your post gives me lots to consider...

    Hang in there!

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  9. Holly, sounds like you are at a place where you get to make a decision. What kind of life do you want to have. Do you want to live on prepackaged food with strict limitations or do you want to be able to eat healthy, fresh natural foods. In my life I have tried so may diets becuase I to was always looking for that quick fix.. Just get rid of the pounds and everything would be better. But what I found out was after I had lost the weight and the quote "DIET" was over I would go back to eating like I had before and the weight would come back on usually plus some. How self defeating.... But so often we put ourselves in those kind of situations over and over again.. And your right our children are watching.. And we are instilling in them an eating pattern that is self destructive..
    I reached my breaking point about a year ago. It was at that time that I realized I needed to get healthy.. Not loose weight (which i needed) but I needed to feel healthy again in body and spirit. So I started as you are by exercising.. 5 days a week and that is what i focused on.. for a month.. I did not obsess about what I ate. But as the month progressed I noticed that I was making small changes in how and what I was eating.. Skipping out on the butter, cutting back on the bread, using a smaller plate at dinner etc.. and you know what.. At the end of the first month i had dropped 19 pounds. I was amazed.. The thing is You (and everyone that has been on multiple diets ) have the knoweldge.. you know what to do . Trust in yourself you can do it.. And by the way, we all have off days, weeks, months. But the important thing is to get back up, dust yourself off and keep on moving.. I have lost 60 lbs over the past 6 months through hard work and common sense.. It won't always be easy but it is possible. Do it for You.. You are worth it..

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  10. I feel your pain. And know all too well that "diet" mentality - it really messes with your mind. I hope you can find something simple that works for you, both now and forever. You really have to change the way you look at food or the lose/gain/lose/gain cycle will continue (take it from someone who kept that ugly cycle up for decades).

    Wishing you peace, my friend.

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  11. I could never do something like Medifast. I like food too much. This time around I decided no diet. We all know what kind of food to eat. It's not rocket science. We know we have to move. I decided that I would only do things that I thought were sustainable. I walk and bike and watch what I eat.

    Everything in moderation. Don't give up. You can be the example you want to be for your kid. You know you can!

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  12. Hello-this is my first time to your blog. I was reading down the bloglist of another blogger and for whatever reason-picked yours!

    My heart goes out to you (what you wrote in this post). I know exactly what you are feeling.

    I just want to let you know my daughter (15yrs) and I stopped dieting 3 months ago. I haven't written (on my blog) how my dieting was affecting her. I can't go into all the details here, but let me tell you-we are both much happier now! We do not count calories, measure food or control our portions. I read a book that changed my life and 3 months ago commited myself to no more dieting!! no more madness!!

    I want to encourage you: You CAN make the differences needed to improve your situation. You CAN be a success. You do have the will and determination AND you do have the self-control.

    I hope you find what you're looking for :)

    Lucy

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  13. Hollie - just because a program doesn't work for you does not make you a failure. I think going through many different programs can be very useful because you can find what things work and what don't.

    Most successful maintainers created their own hybrid programs that were tailored to them, picking and choosing tools from various programs that fit them.

    Once you stop thinking about losing the weight fast, you will lose the desperate feeling and let your body tell you what it wants. It's slow, but losing weight fast and then just regaining it doesn't work or make you happy.

    Never stop trying. :)

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  14. God I TOTALLY know what you mean about trying this and trying that. It's been the LAST TEN years of my life. To be honest, I hate diets. Yet in my moments of weakness and in my moments of 'I need to lost weight STAT' I fall back on them.

    One of the reasons that I started on my weight loss journey was so that I didn't put my future children through what I went through.

    I think the most IMPORTANT thing you can show your kids is a healthy realtionship with food. Whereby you honour your body, aren't afraid of food, don't eat too much crap and don't focus your life's worth on weight.

    I know that Christie@Honourmyhealt.com is a great resource, also the books 'eating in the light of the moon' and 'Intututive Eating
    by tribole and resch are starting points.

    You'll get there. Now start trusting your body (points finger at self) and screw dieting.

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  15. I'm having problems sticking with Medifast myself, but it has weened me off carbs and when I'm not eating their food, I'm running from the carbs. It has helped me lost 34 lbs since mid January. I still have Medifood left from a 1.5 month order.

    Visit me at FourthGradeNothing.com

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  16. Take a deep breath, and start again. It's okay. You're right, it's not going to come off fast, and you seem like you're starting to realize that. But now that you know this, you can start making the little changes that will help you drop weight and keep it off.

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  17. Hollie,

    As a single father of a little boy, I was moved by your writing. It's amazing what a difference children make in your life and your outlook on life. I'm battling some extra pounds myself right now. Just keep going forward in the direction you want to go. Follow the love in your heart for your children and you shall overcome. If you are looking for ideas, please drop by my website at http://www.weightlosspictures.org. All the best to you! Thomas

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  18. I think u shud stay away from high fat foods and exercise a lot.

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  19. Don't give in! And don't beat yourself up for falling off the wagon. All you have to do is try again. With time you will know what works for you. At www.3minuteslimdown.com, we offer a reshaping product that reduces your size up to 3 sizes in just minutes. The garments also reshapes your body. With a solid diet plan, you would reach your goals in no time!

    Good luck in your weight loss adventure!

    www.3minuteslimdown.com

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  20. I've added you to my reader. I just started my weightloss journey (for the billionth time?!) lol. We all hit wall, jsut keep with it girl!

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  21. This is the first blog I've read, I'm in Day One of my own personal Hell Week trying to lose weight and get fit! Your post is a LOT like what I've gone through over and over. I'm gonna do it this time...I'll say to myself and then the cravings come and then I fall of the wagon and gain 5 more pounds on top of what I had lost. Its good to know that I'm not the only one addicted to junk food! The one thing I'm trying (my mom told me about it) is I don't weigh myself! I don't even own a scale! She's lost 55 lbs since Christmas and she only weighs herself once or twice a month. There is NO point in staring at the scale wondering why the pounds are not falling off! It'll stress you out and what do we women do when we're stressed, yup we eat!
    So good luck! I'll continue to read your blog and don't give up the good fight!

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  22. I will miss you Medifast buddy. We started on the same day -- right? I must admit the first few weeks were great but I am seeing things slow down. I don't want to stop because Medifast is the first thing if a VERY long time that I have been able to stick with but I think it is because of the simplicity. I don't have to think about it -- just do the 5 and 1. It must have been difficult for you with having children to feed too. The only thing that has been hard for me so far is the cost. Medifast is pricey for my budget. I'm considering 4 and 2 or even a 3 and 3 just to afford it. I'm sure that will slow down the weight loss but I do like some of their foods and it makes it simple for a person like me. So far I'm gonna try and stick it out a while longer. I will check in on your blog to see how you are doing. I moved my blog to http://breakfreefromobesity.com if you want to stay in touch.

    Hugs,
    Mary Jane

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