Thursday, April 8, 2010

Let’s get real…

I do not want to be on a diet.

I am done.

Diet failure is doing more damage to my weight loss efforts than NOT being on a diet.

Let me be honest:

The week before I started Medifast I ate TERRIBLY. In my mind, I thought, “I better eat it now before I start my DIET.” I admit, the speed that I was losing weight with Medifast in the beginning made me feel GREAT. But when the scale didn’t move one day, and then crept up the next day, Medifast wasn’t fun anymore. I missed eating REAL food. I craved it and longed for it. When I finally caved in and fell off the wagon, I fell flat on my face. The binge was on again.

In my mind, I knew that since I had so much Medifast food stocked up, I would get back on it. I knew I had a weekend trip coming up last weekend – so I whole-heartedly decided that I would wait until I got back from out of town and then re-start. After hearing from the Medifast nutritionist who offered me another plan with more calories, I was really excited. But in my food-addicted mind, I just can’t get going. The drugs are too good and too powerful to turn away from.

I want to lose weight FAST. I want it to be GONE ASAP so I can look good this summer. Being on Medifast almost guarantees that I can lose weight fast, so that is why I want to make it work. But I have proven that if you go OFF the plan and BACK to bad eating, it will come back on just as fast as you lost it.

This little voice in my head says, “Admit it… Medifast just isn’t for you, Hollie.” But Hollie says, “But I have all of this Medifast food in my kitchen, and I feel like I owe it to the people of Medifast to at least try it again…”.

Bottom line… I don’t want to do it anymore. Over the past four days, I have been miserable just thinking about it! I feel like such a failure.

I have discovered Google Reader, which makes blog reading super easy! I have been reading so many blogs every day, and I read about people who are losing weight and are so happy. They are working out and eating filling, healthy food. They are not starving, and they are not miserable. But one thing they all have in common… they are committed.

Where is my commitment?

In this journey, I refuse to give up. But exactly how committed have I been over the past year?

Well, I had several months where my lifestyle involved a lot of eating out and booze. That’s when the scale started creeping up. But do you know when the scale JUMPED drastically? When I STOPPED drinking and started trying to lose weight fast! The PLANS I had to start this diet or that diet led to binge eating because... oh, well I am going on a diet!

Something has to give. This is NOT working for me.

Over the past few days, I have actually started going in the right direction on a few things… water and exercise. Just since yesterday, the scale dropped 3 lbs. I love to walk, and now that the weather is nice, I know walking will be my main form of exercise. Dawn from Fixing Myself Thinner has a walking challenge starting on Monday and I am in! I really want to get back into the gym to start building some muscle, but I have tossed around the idea of getting some heavier hand weights to have at the house. Or maybe some bands?

Drinking water also makes me feel so much better. I was drinking 100+ oz. per day and then just STOPPED. On Medifast, you are allowed to drink diet soda in moderation, so I started buying it again (after abstaining from diet soda for almost a year). So now guess what I am hooked on again? Diet soda. As of today, I have one more can of soda at home, and a few cans at work. I will not buy anymore. I will start drinking water again because it is good for me, and it helps me lose weight!

Now, I just have to figure out what to do about the food situation. One part of me already knows what I am going to do… I ordered a food journal from Amazon today. It’s just like the one Jen (Prior Fat Girl) had on her blog today.

I have three children – two daughters and one son. My daughters watch my diet habits like a HAWK. I was looking at my 12-year old today and she has gained SO much weight. She is now over 200 lbs. She asked me a month ago if I could start helping her, but at the time I was caught up in Medifast. I am sad right now just thinking about it because I know I need to set a better example for her. And for the baby, who at four years old already talks about losing weight and not being fat. What can I expect – that’s all I talk about!

But what do they see? They see their mom trying diets that make her miserable. They see me binge on candy and donuts. I preach being active, but sit on the couch playing Facebook games every afternoon. I don’t set the example. I tell them to do as I SAY, not as I DO. I have to show these kids how to have a healthy relationship with food. I have to help my daughter get healthy so 20 years from now she won’t struggle with weight like I do.

Mish from Eating Journey tweeted today,

“from this day forward I have decided to put my intuitive self first, I am committed to silencing doubt and acting in a way that honors me.”

This really hit a nerve. I must stop doubting what I can do. I have to start honoring myself. I have to believe I am worth it. I have to do this for me, and I have to do this to set an example for my children.

Sorry this post is all over the place. But these are the rambling, desperate thoughts that are going through my head right now...