Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Being HONEST

Baby steps, right?

Yesterday’s post took a lot out of me. I felt emotionally spent after I posted it, and seriously just wanted to go to the bathroom here at work to cry. Why did writing that make me feel that way? I just didn’t get it.

Thank you for all the comments that were left. So many of you could identify with me, and that made me feel like I wasn’t so alone. But so many of you also said I had taken an important first step. Had I really?

Yes, I think I did.

For the last 3 – 4 weeks, I have felt changes taking place inside my brain. Stepping out of the “diet” mentality is a stretch for me. I have been on one diet or another since I was in 2nd grade, so to suddenly deciding that I was DONE felt like I was doing something wrong. I know that eating healthy and trying to move more is GOOD, but it just didn’t feel like enough. Not having a PLAN other than healthy food, walking, and tracking takes me out of my comfort zone.

I didn’t feel changes on the inside because I had not really changed anything on the inside. I was still sneaking bad food into my body. Whether it’s a visit to the vending machine at work, or a stash of ice cream and Raisinettes at home, I KNOW I am still not being true to my journey. I am allowing my addiction to rule me, and that knowledge f*cks with me, even if no one else knows what I am doing. I hide it because I don’t want to admit that I am a failure. Not even to myself. But I know…

Last night, I made myself write everything I ate for the day in my food journal. Bad or good – my goal is to be accountable, right? After writing everything down, I figured out WHY I always skip writing down the bad days of eating. Because by writing it down, I am ADMITTING that I actually ate all that crap! The proof is in black and white. And it’s ugly.

Because I don’t really have anyone in real life to keep me accountable in this journey – I am going to share what I ate with YOU. (Right now I just got so nervous I think I might get sick… I hate disappointing YOU more than I hate disappointing myself. But I need to do this… I need to be honest. Maybe this is the second step?)

Monday, April 26, 2010

Smoothie (2 c. spinach, 1 scoop protein powder, 1 tbs flaxseed oil, 4 frozen strawberries, ¾ c. frozen blueberries, 1 c. water)
3 – 6 oz. cups of coffee with sugar free creamer
½ c. granola
butter croissant w/ goat cheese and jalepeno jelly
1 oz. reduced fat Monterey Jack cheese
1 c. grapes
1 slice sourdough bread w/ goat cheese spread on top
1 c. bbq shredded chicken
2 slices of sourdough bread
1 tbs. bbq sauce
hot dog bun
beef hot dog
sweet potato fries
large bowl of butter pecan ice cream
sprite
1 movie-theatre sized box of raisinettes
lemonade

Everything in italics is stuff I ate when I got HOME yesterday. I think I started out well, but I failed miserably by the end of the day. Don’t ask me how that sourdough bread and ice cream appeared in my house. Don’t ask me why I chose to have a hot dog AFTER I HAD ALREADY EATEN THE BBQ CHICKEN. I was not hungry. I just WANTED IT. I felt bad, I was depressed, and I was emotional.

Sadly, this is what happens when I face emotional things in my life. I eat my way through the emotions. I numb the pain with food, even when food is causing the pain!

After reading and re-reading my blog post from yesterday, I have made a decision.

The binging has to stop. Now.

I know better, so I must do better.

Lyn wrote a post a while back where she identified a trigger food. Her trigger food is fried potatoes. She has realized that no matter what, she has to avoid fried potatoes. When I read that post, I knew that my trigger foods were candy and donuts. There is just no way I can eat candy or donuts in moderation. No matter how good I am doing on any weight loss plan, one TASTE of candy or donuts can knock me right off track. Hell, even SMELLING donuts in Wal-mart has made me nearly have an in-store meltdown before!

So, when I get home, I am throwing away the “secret” stash of ice cream in my freezer. I publicly SWEAR that I will not buy candy, donuts, or ice cream for an indefinite amount of time. These three foods are officially off limits because they cause me to binge, and I have decided that I am going to try to beat this. Seriously. Honestly. For good.

Yesterday, I publicly listed the REASONS I am fat. But these reasons are not EXCUSES. Yes, I have walked a tough road. I have an addiction to food and past traumas that have led to my obesity. But I now KNOW BETTER. I have the KNOWLEDGE and the ABILITY to change myself. I just have to start BELIEVING in me! I have to believe that I am worth it. That is where I am at today.

I think that I have been taking baby steps that have led me to this point. Over the past few years, I have slowly gained the tools and the knowledge to improve my health. Now I just have to put that knowledge to use, and believe that I am worth the hard work and effort it will take to JUST DO IT.