Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Addicted to Food

What is the difference between addicted to food and addicted to drugs or alcohol? You can completely abstain from drugs and alcohol... but you have to eat to live. How miserable is it when you have to deal with your drug of choice in your face every day. Everywhere you go, it's pushed in your face and readily available. How do you kick the habit, how do you say NO?

My name is Hollie, and I am addicted to food. Food makes me high. It makes me happy when I am sad. It is my friend when I am lonely. It numbs the pain and helps me cope. But it is also my worst enemy. It makes me feel like sh*t. It makes my body hurt and will one day kill me if I don't get a grip. When it comes to food, I am my own worst enemy. How do I draw the line?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. My intention was to start fresh on Monday (yesterday). I was going to challenge myself to have 21 days of sobriety. So what do I do? I binge, binge, and then binge some more. The binge over the weekend was so out of control that I still haven't stopped. I have so much sugar running through my veins I am sick. The though of not having it has driven me to an almost panic attack. What is wrong with me? Will I ever beat this? Will I ever be a winner at the weight loss game?

All I know at this point is that it has to stop. Now. Since there is no magical weight loss clinic or ranch that I can go detox at, I am going to have to put on my big girl panties and do it by myself. I HAVE ALL THE TOOLS. I have a kitchen full of Medifast food, lean meat, and frozen veggies. I have measuring cups, food scales, and every kitchen gadget you can think of. I know how to eat. I KNOW WHAT TO DO. There is no excuse for my behavior. Being depressed, being lonely, being overwhelmed, being broke, being stressed... None of these reasons are excuses for unhealthy eating and binging. I need my ass kicked.

I have been reading blogs today and am so inspired by what I read. People are making goal, making progress, losing weight every day! Something has "clicked" with them, so why can't I put for the effort so it will finally "click" with me? I can, and I will. It will be hard, but I have to face this demon. I have to kick the habit once and for all. But truthfully, I am scared to death. This will not be easy at all. But at this point, failure is not an option.

Today, I am inspired by many of my fellow bloggers:

Debby at Debby Weighs In said, "Just want to say, about all of us, that we are DOING IT! We are on the road. We are not giving up. And everyone knows. That is how you get to the end of the road. Whole. In one piece. Like Celie in ‘The Color Purple’ said, in one of my all time favorite quotes from one of my all time favorite movies, 'I’m poor, black, I might even be ugly, but dear God, I’m here. I’m here.' We might have indulged on Easter. We might have eaten more sweets than could have fit in the Hindenburg, but we are here. We are HERE. And by here, I don’t just mean here in blogland, admitting our mistakes and making new plans to move on."

Chris at A Deliberate Life said, "I started this whole thing at 262.4 lbs. As of this morning, I am sitting at or just below 166. I am 3.6 lbs from 100 lbs lost." WOW!!!!

266 also made her goal yesterday of being UNDER 150 lbs... down from her highest of 266 lbs!

Just check out my blog roll... the motivation and the success stories are there! I know it is possible... people are doing it every day. I just have to believe in myself, that it is finally my turn. I have to want it at all costs. No food is worth dying for, right? This addiction is real, and it will kill me if I don't get a grip on it. No more bullsh*tting.

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Tomorrow is day 1... FOR REAL.