Saturday, March 20, 2010

Business as usual!

I am back from vacation, and back on plan! Yes, I fell off the wagon while I was in Florida. There was just too much temptation, and I am still so early in my "recovery". The first day there was tough - I passed up a pizza buffet and a spread for breakfast. But the second day I was weary. Everything revolved around food and everyone thought I was crazy to be dieting while on vacation. I even got chewed out for bringing my scale, lol. I basically had no support, and on day two I fell into a plate of fried fish, sweet potato fries, and hushpuppies. And to be honest, it was bliss! I didn't even try to recover while I was down there. I looked at it as a temporary state. I let "Fat Hollie" take over for the next three days, and vowed to let "Skinny Hollie" come back once I was back in Tennessee.

Lyn (Escape from Obesity) wrote a blog post a week or so ago about how one part of her LIKES eating what she wants (or something to that affect). I REALLY can relate to that mentality, even though it's probably not sane, lol. A part of me LIKES being fat, LIKES eating whatever the hell I want. It makes me HAPPY to sink my teeth into a warm Krispy Kreme donut. I feel HAPPY when I am sipping on a Frappucino from Starbucks. I don't like feeling deprived, I don't like giving up my favorite foods to lose weight. But guess what? That is my reality. Eating what I want is what got me to 333 lbs. Cutting out my "favorite" foods is what will get me to my goal weight. I HAVE TO change my relationship with food in order to be healthy and lose weight.

Yes, it sucks! The immature, irrational part of me is pissed off that I can't have pizza, ice cream, and donuts whenever I want them. I am a little sad that those foods will probably NEVER be able to have a place in my diet. But alcoholics and drug users go through the same thing (I know a lot of them who have told me this). They miss their drug of choice until it is totally out of their system... until they have reached a point in their recovery where they have made peace with the fact they can't have those vices. I am not at that point yet, but I am hoping like hell I will make it there one day. The day I can pass up a piece of birthday cake without wanting to throw a baby-tantrum inside because I want it so bad, that's the day I will know I am truly making progress.

I weighed in this morning, and I am up 3.6 lbs. I am not even mad at that, because I have still lost over 12 lbs in two weeks while on Medifast. I am glad I went ahead and started when I did... even knowing the vacations were coming up. I got a head start in my weight loss, and I learned a valuable lesson. I did well in Chattanooga because I was in total control of my food. In Florida, I was not in control - my in-laws fed us the whole time we were there. They picked the restaurants, they cooked the food. I learned that in the future when I go out of town, I have to be in control of the menu. I also learned that under those circumstances it IS possible to stay on plan while traveling.

I also learned that I have a lot of work to do as far as coming to grips with my "unhealthy" relationship with food. I love it too much. Food shouldn't make me so happy - and not having my favorite foods shouldn't make me so sad. Hopefully over the next few months on Medifast I will learn that food CAN be good, and it is OK to enjoy it. But I shouldn't be in love with food that causes so much damage to my health and well-being.

Yesterday was my first day at home and I was back on plan. It wasn't even hard. I started feeling sick when I got home on Thursday night... cold symptoms. Sore, swollen throat and body aches. I do feel a little better today. I really have to work on drinking my water... I had to force down 64 oz. yesterday. When my throat is sore, I HATE drinking water - it almost gags me. I also ran out of water, so today I have to make a store run asap to get more. The tap water here is UNDRINKABLE. You can't even make coffee with it. I have no doubt I will be able to stay on plan, and I can't wait to see the scale start moving in the right direction again! I am already back in my size 22's from last summer, which makes me feel SO GOOD. My first mini-goal is to be back at 270, which is my lowest weight from last summer. I am less than 20 lbs away!