Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Day 1 - again...

I did not stick to my plan yesterday. I did not go to the gym. I almost had a binge. Almost.

I won't go into details, but things got very emotionally rough for me yesterday. Just too much shit. I wasn't feeling well yesterday, and had my blood pressure checked. Guess what? It was high! I have NEVER had high blood pressure! I came home from work, put on my gym clothes, and headed out for the gym. But I had to stop by the post office before they closed. It was sometime during my drive that I got the "fuck it" attitude and stopped for pizza. My legs hurt like hell from running on Monday, and I generally just felt like shit. I brought the pizza home, and in my mind somewhere I gave myself permission to "start over tomorrow".

After the second slice of pizza (when the heartburn set in) I came to my senses. Yeah, I felt really disappointed that I let myself down. Ironically, I felt even more disappointed that I would have to confess to the blogging world that I'd failed. But I also knew that it could have been much worse. I'm not making excuses, or justifying what I did, but I could have ate the whole container of cupcakes on my kitchen table. I could have ate the whole box of Lucky charms. I could have went to Kroger and bought cookie dough. I mean, I really had considered all of this! But I didn't do any of it. I basically locked myself in my room for the rest of the night and cried it out. I know food doesn't fix the kind of stress I'm going through. I don't know why I always think it will.

So today I start over. I woke up, got dressed, and came in the kitchen to fix my smoothie and WAS OUT OF FROZEN STRAWBERRIES! I had already dumped the protein powder in the water in the blender, so I tried using ice instead. It was a mess, so I just dumped it out and ate a bowl of fiber one and light soy milk. May I add that I MEASURED my cereal and milk so I could journal it. I also sat down this morning and journaled everything I ate after I fell from the wagon yesterday. At least I still got 135 oz. of water in yesterday...

And guess what? One of the things I was so stressed about was how I was going to make my paycheck stretch so I could pay my rent and live for two weeks. I got a text from my ex last night telling me he had just left money in my mailbox. I'm guessing he is still strung-out so he didn't want the kids to see him. It was exactly enough for me to pay what needs to be paid and still have enough left over for gas and toilet paper. Do you think that was some sort of sign? I did... God always provides, right? Even from places (or people) you least expect it from.