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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Day 1 - again...

I did not stick to my plan yesterday. I did not go to the gym. I almost had a binge. Almost.

I won't go into details, but things got very emotionally rough for me yesterday. Just too much shit. I wasn't feeling well yesterday, and had my blood pressure checked. Guess what? It was high! I have NEVER had high blood pressure! I came home from work, put on my gym clothes, and headed out for the gym. But I had to stop by the post office before they closed. It was sometime during my drive that I got the "fuck it" attitude and stopped for pizza. My legs hurt like hell from running on Monday, and I generally just felt like shit. I brought the pizza home, and in my mind somewhere I gave myself permission to "start over tomorrow".

After the second slice of pizza (when the heartburn set in) I came to my senses. Yeah, I felt really disappointed that I let myself down. Ironically, I felt even more disappointed that I would have to confess to the blogging world that I'd failed. But I also knew that it could have been much worse. I'm not making excuses, or justifying what I did, but I could have ate the whole container of cupcakes on my kitchen table. I could have ate the whole box of Lucky charms. I could have went to Kroger and bought cookie dough. I mean, I really had considered all of this! But I didn't do any of it. I basically locked myself in my room for the rest of the night and cried it out. I know food doesn't fix the kind of stress I'm going through. I don't know why I always think it will.

So today I start over. I woke up, got dressed, and came in the kitchen to fix my smoothie and WAS OUT OF FROZEN STRAWBERRIES! I had already dumped the protein powder in the water in the blender, so I tried using ice instead. It was a mess, so I just dumped it out and ate a bowl of fiber one and light soy milk. May I add that I MEASURED my cereal and milk so I could journal it. I also sat down this morning and journaled everything I ate after I fell from the wagon yesterday. At least I still got 135 oz. of water in yesterday...

And guess what? One of the things I was so stressed about was how I was going to make my paycheck stretch so I could pay my rent and live for two weeks. I got a text from my ex last night telling me he had just left money in my mailbox. I'm guessing he is still strung-out so he didn't want the kids to see him. It was exactly enough for me to pay what needs to be paid and still have enough left over for gas and toilet paper. Do you think that was some sort of sign? I did... God always provides, right? Even from places (or people) you least expect it from.

21 comments:

  1. Hey girlie, it happens. We all fall off the wagon. We all have "cry it out" nights. You're back though. You got back up and that's what counts.

    Here's to year 2!

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  2. Glad you're brushing off your near-binge and moving in the right direction again. We're striving for greatness not perfection.

    And amen to the money situation; God IS good---very good.

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  3. He knows you and He loves you. I love it when miracles like that happen. I don't need the parting of the Red Sea!

    Here's to a New Day!

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  4. So glad you got some help with your money worries...those can be so so stressful! And good on ya for stopping after two pieces of pizza! That's a great improvement - baby steps, I am all about the baby steps.

    Hope your day is much better today. Hang in there, Hollie - hugs to you!

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  5. You are ALRIGHT! It happens, the good thing is you're picking yourslf up and getting yourself back onto the horse. In my eyes, you didn't fail though. I'm trying to stop considering setbacks as failing... Failing is when we QUIT!!! You haven't quit, so you haven't failed.

    And remember, sometimes I think we NEED the emotional breakdown... when we hold our emotions in (as most of us do) it just builds and builds... and then it explodes. Usually... though, it implodes and we take it out on ourselves.

    Take care of you today and know, you are amazing and beautiful.

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  6. 2 pieces of pizza isn't the end of the world. Good for you for catching yourself. So glad you got some money too to make ends meet. Hang in there.

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  7. Aww hang in there sweetie. you WILL succeed. as long as you don't give up you will never truley fail. if it was easy all the time, would you be as strong as you are today? if you didn't have to fight for this, would you appreciate it as much? you are an amazing woman and all you have to do is wipe the slate clean, forget about yesterday because there is nothing you can do about it now, and start fresh. you can do this, we all believe in you!!

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  8. Wow, you know for all that trouble...He left you just what you needed. Neat story Hollie.

    Don't kick yourself too hard over the slip. You don't wanna be limping when you get back on the horse. Sounds like you already have.

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  9. the best part of your struggle is that you picked yourself up today and started over. you have learned along your journey because if you are anything like me, this would of been one bad week turned into one bad month and a bigger number on the scale. One bad day isn't the end of the world. Good for you for picking yourself up.
    chin up girl, today's a new day!

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  10. If you never fell off the wagon (or almost) then you would be a machine.

    In all my years of maintenance and teaching wl classes, I've never met anyone who didn't!

    The main thing is that you get back on track, and that you stopped what you were doing!

    Keep on with your good work!

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  11. Good post you have there. Its ok if we fall once in a while. After all we are humans. Its only when we fall, we get back up stronger than before.

    Cheers! Keep up the great job!

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  12. You didn't fail! You stumbled, but you got back up. Failure is when you stay down!

    Yesterday must have had some bad weight loss vibes going on, because I succumbed to temptation too! Good for you for getting back up!

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  13. Aww... i'm sorry you had such a crappy day! :( Hoping today goes better for you! Glad you were able to make ends meet!! Keep your chin up, tomorrow is always a new day!

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  14. We all have those days, but you got back up and started again... that's what makes it happen! Great post!

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  15. We all have those moments - we fall off the horse - but you got back on and that is the most important thing. Congrats on your 1 year! Keep it up! ;-)

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  16. I'm right there with you girl. Sometimes I have moments where I'm not sure how I'm going to make ends meet. And every time God makes a way.

    I like your idea of Day 1 again. I need to do the same thing because the last couple of weeks have been a struggle. We're going make it. I saw a sign today on my way home from work: Faith is not stepping into the dark. Faith is taking a leap into the light. We need to have faith.

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  17. Hey Girl,
    Hang in there. You are stronger than you probably know and "This too shall pass"

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  18. Great Post! But life must go on! Just be strong! Bless you. Cheers, Erin

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  19. I'm sorry you're so stressed, but you should be proud that you just got back on plan and started over. Every day is a new day, and a new chance to eat right!

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  20. I was with you yesterday as I screwed up too. Today's a fresh start. Good for you.

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  21. Nice Holly! Keep up the good work. Do you know anything about LepToThin by any chance? I'm trying to look into this more for weight loss

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