Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Day 3 - Triggers

Today started off great, and was going pretty well until after lunch. My co-worker asked me to please run to Wal-mart to pick up a couple of things for the classroom. I was glad to do so, because I had a couple of things I needed to get. It would save me from having to make the trip after school with all three kids, so I was game. When I walked in Wal-mart, I felt overwhelmed instantly. It was the smell - the bakery and Subway are located as soon as you walked in the door.

One of my favorite binge items is donuts. On past work-trips to Wal-mart, I would always stop by the bakery and get three donuts - a long john, a Bavarian, and a jelly. I would scarf them down on the way back to the school, and then hide the box so my kids wouldn't know. Sometimes when I go with my kids, I'll buy them a dozen donuts so I can have an excuse to buy my "special" donuts. Then after they go to bed, I will sit at the computer and savor them. Same with the Cadbury eggs...I buy them two at a time.

As I was walking up and down the aisles, I felt jittery. Like a recovering crack head in a crack house. There was so much I could get! Not just the donuts, but the candy, the ice cream, the EVERYTHING! Going through the checkout line, I eyed the candy bars. That evil little voice in my head kept assuring me that no one would know. But I would know. I am tired of disappointing myself. I realized that Wal-mart is a trigger for me.

So needless to say, the cravings for sugar were a little strong today. As soon as I got to work, there were two bags of miniature candy and a pack or Oreos on my desk. I asked my co-teacher if it was some kind of fat-girl joke, but he apologized and said a student left it laying there. But I have not indulged... I am trying to stay strong. I know this will be a daily battle, because this is an addiction I am dealing with. My body has been addicted to sugar for a long time - and I'm sure it's pissed off that I am now depriving it of it's fix.