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Monday, March 9, 2009

Mood adjustment

I have been in a really funky mood this weekend, and of course it has affected my eating. I was not OP this weekend, but it could have been a lot worse. First, TOM arrived on Friday morning, and I feel so bloated and crampy. Uggh. Then I was in a wreck on Friday evening. No one was hurt, but it smashed my truck up and really shook me up. It was my fault - I rear-ended someone. I felt so stupid. So I went home and crashed Friday night feeling mentally and physically exhausted.

Saturday I had to be at work at 10 a.m. I woke up late and went to work with no lunch and stopped for an iced latte on the way. I ate Chinese food from the food court for lunch, and immediately felt like a failure. My BFF texted me when i got off from work at 5 and invited me out with her and her friend on Sat. night, so I agreed to go to cheer myself up. I went to the Lane Bryant retail store (I work at an outlet) and bought two shirts and a pair of jeans because it was a special promo for employees and we got 55% off. I thought I looked so cute when I left. But while we were out on Sat. night, my friend took a lot of pictures and I looked TERRIBLE in every one of them. I just looked so FAT and DISGUSTING. It totally killed my mood, and along with the fact that I didn't like the club we went to, I did not have much fun. I come home feeling very low about myself. Then when I discovered the big cigarette burn in my new shirt (don't know where it came from), the night was officially a bust.

I had to be at work at 11 a.m. yesterday, and started the morning with a good breakfast of an omelet with high-fiber toast. By lunch I was not very hungry, but I walked around the mall and ended up in the food court again. I walked out, but then ended up in the candy store! I skipped BOTH the food court and the candy store, and drove down the street and got a Jr. burger with no mayo (6 pts) and a sample of ice cream instead. I felt good about that, but then after I got home I started eating everything in sight! What the hell is wrong with me? My head is TOTALLY not in the game.

So I decided this morning that I need an attitude/mood adjustment. I tried to reflect on why I am sabotaging my weight loss efforts. I feel like crap because I'm fat, so I eat more and feel even worse. Which makes me fatter...you see the cycle. I am also tired. I don't sleep well, and I work all the time. And then there's the stress that is my life right now. So much has happened in the past several months. Yeah, things are better, but still not where I would like them to be. I'm stressed about my future - not just my marriage and my children, but also about school and my career. My house is messy, and sometimes my children drive me nuts. I need a vacation.

Good thing, is that next week I'll get a two-week vacation from school. I am only scheduled to work at LB a few of those days, so I am PRAYING that it will be restful. I hope it is an opportunity to clear my head and to get more organized at home. I would love to plan a menu and take long walks with my kids. I would love to play a lot at the park and watch TV in bed. I would love to sleep late and eat breakfast with my kids. I would also love to be in control of my eating the whole time. Yeah, I think some time off will be a good thing. Something's gotta give... Only five more days!

2 comments:

  1. Hang in there Hollie... I had the same kind of weekend... We can do this. I need a vacation too but don't have one coming up. I'm close to burning out but I refuse to let the pain and stress tear down my weight-loss efforts... and you shouldn't allow it to do that to you either. We can do this Hollie! Email me, Text me, Call me... whatever you need for support. I am here.

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  2. If you would love to do those things on your vacation, then do them. Enjoy those walks and playing in the park. They'll really help with your stress, and they'll make you tired at night.

    Thank God no one was hurt in the wreck! It must have been so upsetting for you.

    Please don't think of yourself as a failure because you made some bad meal choices, or had a binge. Turning for food to cope with stress, because that's what's worked for us in the past, does not make us failures. I have bad meals, and binge days. I refuse to think of myself as a failure.

    Remind yourself of the things you do and have done successfully. Like doing what it takes to take care of your kids, moving to a new home. Telling yourself negative things is only punishing yourself. It won't help you.

    Hope you have a better day.

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