Friday, January 23, 2009

The grieving process...

That's what I'm going through right now. I'm so sad, and also worried about my future and that of my children.

My children and I spent the night with a friend last night, so we were safe. This morning I drove by my house, and my husband's car was not there. So after I dropped of my son at school, I drove by the mental health clinic and my husband's car was still there. Since it is not an in-patient facility, I assume they transported him to another facility. I only can pray he is getting some help. Maybe if he gets medication and counseling he will not be violent or volatile.

That's why I feel so bad. Because I know that even if he does get help, I will still not stay with him. These issues have been on/off since we got married on 3/16/2000. I know this cycle will not stop. I have to get out now before my children are scarred anymore than they are. I will miss him, I will love him, but I will no longer stay with him. And that makes me feel like I've abandoned him. He even said it, that I was the only person I had behind him and that I've betrayed him. My friend said these feeling are common to women who have been physically and emotionally abused, and that I am doing the right thing. Well, actually, everyone that knows my situation say I am doing the right thing. Deep down I know it, but I still feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I could not weigh in this morning - no scale. I didn't eat a lot yesterday - no binging - but I did eat a few cookies last night and didn't have any water. I am going to try to stay in control of what goes in my mouth while my life and routine is so out of control. That's about all I can do right now.

Thank you for all the supportive comments and emails that were left yesterday. It might sound silly, but I love this BLOG, and value everyone who reads and follows me on this journey as friends.