Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Insanity

Yesterday was mostly OP. Dinner was spaghetti using Ronzoni Smart Taste spaghetti (lots of calcium and fiber). It was great, and I ate WAY too much. But I ate early so I could get on the elliptical during Biggest Loser. I thought that I could read my book and watch the first hour of BL while my dinner digested, then hop on the elliptical for the last half. Never made it because my husband thought that it was a great time to pick a fight. I told him flat out yesterday that he needed to stop playing around and get a job. So when I was watching the WI on BL, he decided it was time to "discuss" what I had demanded of him, and then that started a two-hour argument. I'm SO tired of this shit! I'm not asking for much, just for him to contribute SOMETHING to our household! But it's almost like he's insulted that I would ask him to get a job, since he wants to be an entrepreneur and work for himself. That translates into he wants to ride around town all day, wasting gas and eating out while I'm busting my ass working two jobs. AND he is now refusing to consider divorce (even though he's the one that brought it up a few months ago). His exact words were, "if you try to leave me you won't have a minutes peace...I'll make your life miserable." I know he will, too.

After the fight, I took a shower and went to bed. I didn't eat my way through it, because I knew that's what has got me to this weight in the first place. Binge emotional eating = letting him have power over me. I know my husband likes "fat Hollie" because her self esteem is low, and she will let him walk all over her. That's about to stop - I'm not going to be that wife anymore.

It is very COLD in Tennessee. It's supposed to be 2 degrees tonight! WTF! I HATE cold weather.

The scale was still up a little this morning, but I'm still not worried about it because I know what has caused it. I have to work job #2 for the next five nights, and I've got all of my meals/snacks for today/tonight. It feels good to have a plan in place - I know it will keep me away from fast food and bad choices. Since I've been back on plan, I actually think I do better on the nights that I work my second job because I am planning my meals and sticking to the food I have with me. When I am at home on my off nights, I can get that second helping of food or extra piece of pizza, whereas I can't do that when I'm not at home. Instead of using the job #2 as an excuse for NOT being on plan, I think I have changed my mentality so that it can help me STAY on plan.

I'm off to read blogs!