Bob Harper told me to say that while I was doing his workout on the Biggest Loser CardioMax DVD. Yes, I exercised today! And it kicked my ass! I'm sweating in places I didn't know had sweat glands! I did the warm up, Bob's level 1 and Jillian's level 2, plus the yoga cool down, for a total of 40 minutes. By the time I got to Jillian's level 2, I was wore out and her workout was so high-intensity that I had to modify a lot of it, but I got through it.
I had a very civil talk with my husband yesterday about the divorce and our relationship. Without the crying and yelling, it was possible to have a sane conversation about the direction our life is heading in. He has asked me to give him until the end of February to find a job and get help. In the past, he has been diagnosed with manic depression, and has had progress with medication. His problem is that he will take the medication for a few months, then feel better and think he's "cured" and then stop. Then his moodiness and overall terrible disposition will come back, and that is the root to all of our problems.
Well, he admitted that he needs to get back on medication because he is not in a good place mentally. He says he's felt this way for a while, but did not want to tell me because he didn't want to admit that he had a problem. So, he is trying to get an appointment to see a therapist or mental health doctor to see what route he needs to go. He thinks that will help him get everything in perspective, and help him get and maintain a job and a steady income.
I have battled problems with depression in the past, and I know how it can impact my drive to do everyday things, like going to work. Since I am not a person who takes divorce lightly, I am willing to give him a chance to get it together. I remember the husband I had that was on medication, and that was some of our best times. I also know that it's a big step for him to decide for himself that is what he needs to do to get it together. If, over the next six weeks, he gets the help he needs and is able to find a job, I think we can start to sort out the other issues that bother me (lack of affection, moodiness). I also vow to work on myself and the shortfalls I know I have in our relationship.
We are going to set up a meeting with the man who is financing our house, and see if we can also work out a solution for that, too. We think that selling the house is still our best option right now, and will relieve a lot of financial stress. But because I watch TLC and Discovery Home channel so much, I know that selling a home is hard work, and with the market the way it is it will probably take a while. The prospect of walking away from our home makes me sick to my stomach, but I know people are having to do it every day. Since school is out on Monday and I don't have to work job #1, we are going to try to meet with the man about it then and come up with a solution next week. But I definitely know that moving to an apartment or rental house is not going to be the end of the world.
I was looking at apartments online yesterday, and was reminded of the perks that come with living in an apartment complex. Pool, weight room, free water, playground...that's all a plus! And besides the monthly payment being about $500 less, I will not have to pay a water bill, gas bill, homeowners insurance and property taxes, and my electric bill will be lower. I see the dollar signs, and feel financial stress melting away.
The money savings also insures me that even if I do get a divorce, I will be able to pay my own bills and be able to live comfortably. I never count on child support, because in the past when we've separated I've never got it (long story). So if I know that I can work ONE job and be able to pay my rent and bills, I feel secure. And if things do work out with my husband and we have two incomes, we can build our savings back up and repair our credit.
Okay, off to shower and go to job #2.
P.S. HopeFool, if you read this, please email me that spreadsheet. I've been trying to send you a message or comment on your blog, but my computer isn't letting me see the verification code and I can't post any comments on any blogs from my home computer. My email addy is firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks!