Thursday, January 15, 2009

Decisions

Because I have decided that this is my year to put ME first and make my health and well-being a priority, some very important decisions have to be made. Besides the struggles I am having with my husband, financial issues are really stressing me out. Our number one financial burden is our house - the mortgage is killing us. At the time we bought our house, I was getting a great salary, and we had plenty of money in savings. My husband was working...all was well. A lot has changed since then. I love my house, but I'm not sure that I love it enough for the burden it is causing me.

I was talking to a woman last night at job #2 (she's actually the real-estate agent who sold me my house's sister) who also carries a real estate license, and she told me that she worked with someone who could sell my house "in a heartbeat." Apparently, I live on prime property in our county (which I kinda already knew). She said that when we bought our house, there was a lot of interest, but we put a contract down the day after it hit the market. So this morning, I told my husband what she said, and I'm about 85% sure we are going to try to sell our house. We put quite a bit of money down, so hopefully if we are able to sell it before we get too far behind on it we will be able to walk away with some of the money we invested. I know the real estate market isn't the best right now, but our county has not been very affected by it. Most of the real estate agents I've talked to, and even a friend who is a mortgage broker says that business is still steady.

It makes me sad to sell my house. It is my first home, and we've only lived there for 15 months. Selling my house makes me feel like a failure; not only as a homeowner but has a wife and mother. Selling my house and moving back into an apartment or rental means that my marriage has failed, and that I have failed in providing for my children the home that I never had. I told DH months ago that if we ended up losing our home and I had to move into an apartment because of him not holding a job and being irresponsible, he would not be coming with me. I still mean that. If I move out of my house, my marriage is over. That is a really scary thought for me, because no matter what, I still love my husband. But right now, I just can't be sure that love is enough to save our relationship. I'm so confused.

There is a fine line between just "giving up" and refusing to be a doormat. I know my husband will accuse me of just giving up and turning my back on him, and I know many people will look at it the same way. However, I know in my heart that we are just postponing the inevitable by staying together. I'm not happy, and I really don't think he's happy either! Even though everyone around me says that happiness doesn't matter, but obviously it matters to me or I wouldn't be so miserable about NOT being happy!

Today or tomorrow I'm going to talk personally with the real estate agent and see what she says. If she gives me positive information, we will most likely put the house on the market. Then I will put the matter in God's hands.

I did well with eating yesterday, though. Stuck with my planned food/snacks. The scale was back down this morning, so that's good. Tomorrow I'll post my official number for the week.

I've been thinking so much about exercise lately, but still haven't made the first step. My intentions are good, but being tired and lazy always wins.

Irene (another blogger) mentioned keeping a journal/spreadsheet on her blog yesterday. I found a spreadsheet that a friend from my WW meeting had emailed to me a while back, but I would also like something so I can plug in calories, fat, and fiber, as well as points. If anyone knows of a good (free) spreadsheet or online journal - let me know!