Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Day 38 - Epiphany!


1. sudden realization: a sudden intuitive leap of understanding, especially through an ordinary but striking occurrence.

Today I had an epiphany. I was reading a blog on the Blog to Lose website, and a blogger was discussing self-hate. Boy, I could really identify with what she was saying. I've been through periods in my life where I've hated myself, and felt like everyone else felt the same way. I can't describe how depressing it is when you believe that no one in the world loves you, not even your family and children. I have been suicidal, just as recently as several months ago. Life just seemed unbearable because no one loved me. Then one day reality slapped me in the face -- how in the hell could anyone love me when I didn't love myself.

I avoid mirrors, because often when I glance at my reflection, I am disgusted at what I see. The day I discovered in the Women's bathroom at my school that I had two chins I sat back down on the toilet and cried for five minutes. I have trained myself to not look myself in the eye when I am near a mirror or getting dressed in front of one. That's just what I do.

When I heard they were doing Weight Watcher's meetings at my school for faculty, I was excited, but a little pessimistic. Yeah, I wanted to lose weight, but I've tried WW three other times and failed in the past three years. What's gonna make this time different? With some self-reflection, I decided to JUST DO IT. It couldn't hurt, right? Somewhere along the way since then, something has CLICKED.

I guess it happened after that first time I felt the urge to binge and suppressed it. I was so proud of myself, and a little shocked at how easy it was. Then I began to start thinking about GOAL, and how HOT I'm gonna look and how SEXY I'm gonna feel. Every time I feel the urge to binge, I put those thoughts in my head and it helps. So, now, I try to keep those positive thoughts in my head because I LIKE the way it makes me feel. Do you know how much easier it is to say "no" to a candy bar when you are able to honestly admit that it really doesn't taste that good, and you'd be so much healthier without it in your life? I've NEVER felt this way, not even back in '03 and '04 when I lost weight. I can honestly say that I love myself enough to do get healthy this time. I love myself enough to make better choices and to journal my food each day. I love myself enough to get up at 5 a.m. to exercise. I love myself so much that I will not get discouraged and give up on ME!

I love myself - there, I said it. And I know I have lots of people who love me, too. With this knowledge, I will make it this time. I've never been so certain of something in a long time...